“Good.” He bites the end of a piece of bacon. “A little dull since I left after a few hours.”
“Yeah.” I chuckle. “Remember back in high school when we loved short days?” I shove another chunk of French toast between my lips, cover my mouth with my hand, and continue. “We’d spend the rest of the day playing video?—”
“Let’s move in together,” Levi blurts, then sets his plate on the table.
Brows scrunched and eyes narrowed, I meet his waiting gaze. “I…” I set my plate next to his and wipe my hands on my pants. “We… already live together,” I say, confusion saturating each of my words.
Levi twists in his seat and his knee bumps my thigh. He reaches for and takes my hands with his. When he drops his gaze to our hands, I do the same.
Lazily, his thumbs stroke back and forth over my knuckles. With each pass, a fresh spark lights under my skin. I lock onto the action, refusing to blink, not wanting to miss a single second.
Since his return, this is one of the few times Levi has initiated physical intimacy. I refuse to miss a single second.
“Yes, we live together already.”
In my periphery, he lifts his chin. I peek up to see his eyes on my profile. Slowly, I level my gaze to meet his.
“But I want a place that isours. I want a place that we choose. A place that we paint and decorate and do all that couple-y shit in.”
“Couple-y shit?” I laugh and inch closer to him.
The corner of his mouth tips up slightly. “I want a place that can be a fresh start for us both.” He rolls his lips between his teeth a moment. “Ollie, this place holds so many firsts for me and us. But I want more firsts with you. Not that we couldn’t have some of them here.” He shakes his head. “But I think in order for me to truly get over some of my mental hurdles, I need a new space and room to grow.”
My apartment above the garage doesn’t hold bad memories. Not that I recall. But I also see how these walls flaunt our past, like framed photos. I love so many of the good memories we created here, but I understand how Levi may feel inadequate because he is no longer the same person in those older images.
“You hate the idea, don’t you?”
I flip my hands and take his, giving his fingers a gentle squeeze. “No, moje srce. I’m just trying to see it through your eyes.”
The television plays in the background as our food goes cold on the table. Neither of us cares.
“Today was good with Dr. Hampton.”
I stop breathing and snap my attention to him. Every possible distraction fades away as I focus on Levi.
“We discussed work and how it felt to be back. She gave me a great idea of how to blend work with helping others. More on that later.” Levi’s eyes dart between mine as a subtle smile tips up one corner of his mouth. “But then we talked about how things are with you and me.”
My rib cage constricts as my heart hammers beneath my sternum. With a faint gasp, I wait for him to say more.
“I told her I wanted us to get our own place but that I hadn’t brought it up with you. The good doctor that she is, she asked why.” His fingers draw shaky lines over my skin as he pins me with his devastating blue eyes. “Because I’m fucking petrified you’ll say no and we won’t be the same.”
Every muscle in my body reacts, eager to reach for him, wrap him in my arms, and never let go. But I keep my hands in his. Wait for him to finish sharing his vulnerabilities.
“The thought of losing you…” He slowly shakes his head over and over. “It scares me more than anything.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I vow. “Not now. Not ever.”
“I hear you and believe you.” His face screws up. “But there’s this small voice in the back of my head that makes me question everything.” He releases my hands, curls his into fists, and shakes them near his chest. “For fucking months, they drilled it into my head that I had no one. That I was unworthy of happiness or love or freedom.” His voice grows louder, harsher, angrier with every word. “That I was trash. A plaything. A punching bag.” He pushes to his feet and paces the room. “I fucking hate that I can’t make that damn voice go away.”
With measured moves, I rise from my seat and round the table. I mentally prepare for countless scenarios. But mostly, I just want to stay close and present as he unleashes his frustrations and anger.
“How do I make it go away, Ollie?” he pleads as his fingers dive into his hair.
I take a step in his direction. “Every time you hear that voice, I want to know. No matter where we are, what we’re doing, who we’re with, if you hear that voice, you tell me. If we’re not together, you call or text.” I take another step. “In return, I’ll remind you of what’s real. I’ll replace those falsehoods with open, honest truths. Even if they’re uncomfortable.”
“You swear?”
I close the distance between us, take his hands in mine, and pour every ounce of strength, love, and courage from my heart into his. “Forever, moje srce.”