Page 123 of Fallen Stars

I can do this.

Because I have Oliver, I can do anything.

THIRTY-FIVE

OLIVER

Engine idling,I sit in my car in the driveway and stare at the back of Levi’s car. The corner of my mouth twitches as I recall countless times we drove out of Stone Bay and flew down the highway without a care in the world. Just me and him with the wind in our hair, music cranked up, and the comfort we have always had with each other.

Damn, I miss those carefree days. A lot.

Without a doubt, we will have more wild and easygoing days in the future. Navigating the unknown until that time comes is a true labor of love.

But Levi is worth the wait.

I cut the engine, grab the bag on the passenger seat, and open the door. Locking the car with a press of the fob, I jog up the stairs to the apartment, enter my code and push through the front door.

Across the open floor plan, Levi sits on the couch in a daze. Eyes fixed on the television, he watches the screen but doesn’t appear to be paying attention to the show. Maybe working half a day for his appointment put him in a funk. Half days are weird like that.

“Hey,” I say, stepping farther into the apartment. I hold up the bag and shake it. “Hungry?”

He blinks a few times then meets my gaze. “Yeah. I could eat.”

I wander to the kitchen and set the bag down on the counter, pulling out a couple food boxes. As I grab plates from the cabinet, my mind wanders off.

Will it always be like this with us now? Us tiptoeing around reality.

Less than two months have passed since we rescued Levi from hell. It’s been less than a month since we returned to the only location he knows and connects to his trauma. Compared to the day he left that horrific place, he is immeasurably better. Every day, I glimpse more and more of the former Levi.

Then why the hell is my mind so insistent on us fast-forwarding past the hard stuff? Why the hell am I not mentally giving him the grace he deserves? What kind of person does it make me, wanting our relationship and lives to go back to the way they were before? To move forward as if those things didn’t happen.

A huge fucking asshole, that’s what kind.

Breathe. We will find normal again.

Guilt gnaws at my insides as I divvy the food onto our plates. Shame slithers through my veins as I do my best not to compare our relationship before to how it is now.

Patience. I need to practice more patience.

Closing my eyes, I inhale a slow, methodical breath and focus on the positives. A handful of good things that make me smile.

Positive: Levi is here with me by choice.

Positive: I can touch him more without him trembling or pulling away.

Positive: Although it’s modest, I see the small efforts he is putting infor himself and us.

Positive: Every day, I get to wake up beside him and fall asleep with him curled into my side.

Positive: I love him. God, do I love him.

The last thought overrides every shitty thought I had a moment ago. It squashes and buries them deep in the earth.

I love him, and that is what matters.

Carrying the plates to the couch, I offer one to Levi then take a seat next to him. “How was work?” Then, I shove a forkful of savory stuffed French toast in my mouth.

I make a point not to ask about his therapy sessions. Not because I don’t care about them. More like it isn’t my place to pry about them. Levi’s sessions with Dr. Hampton are private. A safe space for him to discuss difficulties and be vulnerable about things impacting his life. If he wants to talk about his sessions with me, he must be the one to broach the topic. He must take the first step.