Page 120 of Chaos

I carry Auden into the open door of the pool house, pulling Shasta along with us as we duck out of the wind, and set him down.

This was a cafe with a set of dressing rooms before the apocalypse. Now all the tables and chairs have been shoved against the walls. Kids and dogs and elderly people sit in clusters all around the room.

Hank and Pearl are in the dusty old chairs that sit in the main room of the shelter, overseeing the kids since May is one of our best shooters and Gus is good in a fight. Hank’s face is ashy and gray with fear. Pearl’s is lined and tight, but she’s leaning forward, talking raptly to the kids. Tani is there, as are Isha and some of the older boys. Alice is rocking Sella.

Beast takes off to do a circuit of the room, tail up high.

I squat in front of Auden. “Do you know where Shane is?”

“He was just here, but then he asked about Ephie, and someone said something and he took off.”

“Okay. I expected that.” I force my voice to stay way calmer than I feel. “I’m going to go find him, and I’m going to help him. And then I’ll be right back.”

“Can I come with you?” His gray-blue eyes go so wide the whites show all around. “Please. Please!” He says it like if he says it hard enough it’ll shift the fabric of the universe.

Beast comes back at that moment, his ears twitching anxiously, his front paws rising and falling like he’s walking in place.

“I’m going to be so fast. I promise.”

His eyes well up, and of all things, “Yorke’s gone, too,” comes ripping out of him.

I pause, unsure what to say.Yorke will be finefeels dismissive.He’s on his ownfeels terrifying. And ultimately, it’s not the point.

The pool house door opens on a rush of wind, and Colleen enters with soldiers carrying a few injured people on stretchers. Cain is on one of them, ashen-faced and clutching a bowl like he’s about to be sick.

Through the windows, up the back lawn, I can see that smoke gushes from windows on the upper floors of the clocktower.

I want to ask about the greenhouse. Can we send people up there? Do we risk it? Is it worth it?

“That’s everyone who was on the first floor,” Colleen tells the room. Her eyes find mine. “I haven’t seen Shane. But I sent a soldier to the basement to release Ephie and look for him.” She makes a sour face. “Ben too, I guess.”

There’s a tiny gleam in her eyes, and a question there, almost a dare.

“Auden. It’s time for me to go.”

He wraps himself around me with clingy-vine arms. “No.”

I look helplessly around.

There’s a crash across the way as soldiers set down supplies.

A cat screeches.

Baby Sella is crying in Alice’s arms.

All of it creates an air of chaos that ratchets up with every second.

Auden’s grip on me tightens.

“Don’t leave me,” he whimpers, and he’s been so brave every step of the way since I met him, for so long. “Please don’t go. Please.”

I curl my body around him.

“I don’t want to, little man. We have to trust Yorke, and you need to trust me, just like I need to trust you. Every time we’re apart, we know we’re going to do everything we can to stay safe and find our way back to each other. No matter what happens, we can trust ourselves to be strong enough to handle anything.”

That’s the root of the problem with Yorke, and maybe I started it. If we’re separating, even willingly, we’re losing time. And time is limited. It’s all we have. So even though sometimes we won’t have a choice, we need to know the other is prioritizing being together over vague unformed ideas of safety.

Like I did in the woods when I gave myself up to Ben. Yorke was right. Maybe he’d have been fine after shooting Ephie. Maybe he’d have been more fine than he was with me being gone for a month. But we’ll never know. And we’re not doing it again.

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