Page 14 of After Effect

“I’ll stop using it when you start performing.”

Her cheeks flushed. Subsequently so did mine. No, that’s not what I meant at all. I glanced away and cleared my throat. “How did it feel when you were up there?”

“Like the world was about to end if I missed a single note. So I decided to say to hell with it and just missed all of them.”

I frowned outwardly. “Maybe we need to start with something easier then.”

“Like what?”

“Have you ever done a photo shoot?”

--

Lilly Cisneros

“This is weird. What am I supposed to do with my hands?” I smiled wide for the camera, then awkwardly put my hands on my hips, trying to figure out what a competent model might do. The lights seemed to be directly angled at my eyes, while the white flooring and backdrop wasn’t offering much more relief. The camera flashed a few more times. Finch just shook his head in the background.

I’d taken headshots before, so this should have been easy, but it was more of a “My buddy borrowed a nice camera” kind of deal. Being put on the spot like this felt so unnatural.

Once the shoot was done, I found myself in the passenger’s seat of Finch’s Mercedes. It was a pretty nice car for an intern. His family must be loaded.

We drove across town to a small local stage, where I’d be singing in front of a test audience. Unlike judges or potential fans, I’m told a test audience would allow me to make as many mistakes as I needed to get it out of my system. They seemed engaged when I started. But by the fourth mid-song freeze up, even the test audience started leaving. I couldn’t help my mood from visibly dropping, and every disgruntled face only had me making more mistakes. Maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a star after all.

We drove back to the office in silence, my head hanging low. I followed Finch back into the recording area. Every ounce of his frustration was being very clearly communicated by the aggressive way he took off his coat.

I searched my brain for an adequate apology, but “sorry.” Was the only word I managed to come up with.

“How exactly do you plan to be a musician if you can only sing behind closed doors?” Finch’s exasperation filled every word.

“Can we just record it in studio and I’ll lip sync?” I laughed sheepishly. Finch shot me a look. My subtle attempt at humor did not seem to be terribly appreciated.

“What, exactly is your issue? Your voice is incredible. Your words are solid. You’re hotter than all of fucking hell, and anyone would be putty in your hands if you could just stop choking.” The angry way he said it didn’t take away any of the impact of that string of compliments. I particularly liked the part about being ‘hotter than fucking hell.’

“Maybe I can practice on you, then. Just one person.” I didn’t have any better ideas. My anxiety was overwhelming at this point.

“Just on me? How will that help?” He scoffed.

“It’s starting small. You’re the person I need to impress the most right now, so if I can perform in front of you, everyone else should be easy by comparison.”

“Fine. Impress me.” Finch sat down across from me and crossed his arms. He looked pissed. Somehow, this wasn’t helping my anxiety. “Go on. Start singing.”

I swallowed then quickly shook my head to throw off my trepidation. With one last clearing of my throat, I took a deep breath and gave it a shot.

~I keep dreaming.

Keep believing.

I’m who I’m supposed to be.~

Low and slow. It had been a while since I had sung acapella. My voice sounded so strange in my ears without the harmonizing of my guitar. My heartbeat picked up speed with every word. Any more, and I’d be having a panic attack again. No- not now.

I locked my eyes on Finch’s hoping to find some comfort inside his expression. My heart rate started to even out again. Still beating quickly, but… in a different way.

~You slide your love into my body, but still you shut me out.~

The harshness was gone from his expression, replaced only with curiosity. Intrigue. This is working. Looking at him is actually making me want to keep going. Maybe all along, I just needed a muse.

~I beg you to give it to me harder~

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