Page 13 of Hey Girl

Chris Bam-Bam Richards: Hey Mouse, guess who??

What the fuck?

Chris Bam-Bam Richards?

Like Chris the drummer? Bam-Bam. Oh my God, it has to be. Blue checkmark and all.

Chris Bam-Bam Richards: I’m with my friend Leo here and have been telling him how hard I’m crushing on you.

Nevermind. Definitely an imposter.

Rebecca Randall: Nice try, ass monkey.

Chris Bam-Bam Richards: And he told me I should ask you out.

Wait, what?

Rebecca Randall: Whoever you are, find a different hobby than impersonating hot celebrity drummers online.

Chris Bam-Bam Richards: So you DO think I’m hot. How very, very interesting

Shit.

Rebecca Randall: No, Chris Richards is hot. But YOU are most likely some homely bastard that gets his pebbles off to pretending to be a lickable drummer and toy with random, unsuspecting strangers online.

Chris Bam-Bam Richards: Get my Pebbles off? I see what you did there, Wilma. And I’m LICKABLE now? Woo-hoo!

Fuckbuckets!

Chris Bam-Bam Richards: Now I HAVE to ask you to be my girlfriend.

Say what?

Rebecca Randall: Are you shitting me?

Chris Bam-Bam Richards: Is that a yes??

Rebecca Randall: NO.

I slam my laptop lid shut as if to keep him from slithering out of cyberspace to materialize in the real world. Right. I think that’s enough online debauchery for one night. Whoever thatinternet poser is, I’m free of him until the next time I open my computer.

5

REBECCA

Ipeer through the spaces between my fingers and the text on my glowing laptop screen. So… there’s a good chance it’s really Chris Richards shamelessly courting me over the web. Okay, actually, he’s just communicating but to me, that’s like third base.

Hey, okay,

What do you say we start over?

You just did a spectacular job pitching us your designs for our new album era. You were very quiet, and my cohort Josh was being a buttnugget. Sorry about him by the way. Afterwards, we were on the elevator together and I screwed up by calling you Becky.

Do you believe it’s me yet? If so, how about a date?

Unless this is one of the other three bandmates, which I highly doubt, it must be him. There was no one else in that meeting.

Well shit.

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