Page 2 of Promising Little Poppy

And when Master Derek finally spoke, she was hoping her fears would be eased. But instead, he simply led with, “Miss Miller, what am I going to do with you?”

Before Derek could speak again, Poppy was crying. Big, heaving sobs coming from deep within her belly shook her entire frame. “I… I’m so sorry,” she stammered. “I know I should haveknocked. It was wrong of me to barge into your office without having your permission.”

She felt like she couldn’t get enough air in her lungs, like she was drowning and couldn’t get her head above water no matter how hard she tried to break through the surface. Pushing up from the chair, Poppy paced back and forth while trying to catch her breath. Her skin was clammy and sweaty, yet she had chills at the same time. And though her blonde hair hung in still-damp waves around her shoulders, she could feel the familiar pinpricks along the back of her neck, as if each and every little hair was standing on end and exposed to the elements.

“I’m always messing up,” she managed to say through sobs. “It doesn’t matter what I do, I just can’t seem to make anyone happy.” Tears streamed down her cheeks, falling onto the plush, water-resistant fabric of her down-filled winter coat before rolling to the wooden floor beneath her feet. “I don’t even know what I did to be called here today, yet here I am. I can’t ever seem to keep myself out of trouble.”

Derek was across the room in a moment, stilling Poppy with a gentle hand to each of her shoulders as he often did with the Littles at Rawhide Ranch. And while Poppy Miller did not identify as a Little, the soothing technique usually worked on most people in distress. “Hey there. Who said anything about you being in trouble? Let’s try to take a few deep breaths together, okay?”

With a shaky nod, Poppy agreed and together, the pair took several deep breaths—in through the nose for a count of four before holding the breath for a count of seven. Finally, they exhaled through the mouth on a count of eight.

“There you go, darlin’, just keep on breathing in and out nice and slow. Why don’t we sit together on the couch instead of going back to my desk. Maybe that will help you to feel a bit more comfortable?”

As the pair situated themselves on the couch, Poppy felt embarrassment settling in. “I don’t know what happened,” she said, her voice still unsteady. “All of the sudden it felt like I was suffocating and I didn’t know what to do. I’m so sorry you had to see that happen.”

“I assure you, Ms. Miller, there is nothing to be ashamed of.” Derek passed Poppy a cloth handkerchief he produced from the back pocket of his jeans and for a split-second, she wondered how many of them the Ranch owner kept on hand. “And I want you to understand you were not called to my office today for any type of punishment. You’re not in trouble, Poppy. I simply wanted to talk to you a bit about your remaining time in college. I know you only have one more semester at the university, and I was hoping to have a conversation about your future.”

“My… future?”

The Ranch owner nodded. “Have you thought about what you want to do after you graduate with your degree?”

Poppy hung her head in shame, her cheeks heating as a familiar red blush spread across them. “I don’t know. I’ve liked all my classes but I always seem to get bored quickly. What happens if I can’t keep a job? If I get as bored as I do with my jobs as I do with my classes? As I have with everything in my life? It’s already hard enough being one of the oldest girls taking college classes. What happens if I enter the real world and I don’t fit in with anyone there just like I feel I still haven’t quite figured out how to fit in here?”

Master Derek seemed to think for a few moments. And while the silence that stretched between the two wasn’t at the point of being uncomfortable, it hung heavy as Poppy waited for the smallest glimmer of hope that she wasn’t destined to fail from the get-go.

“May I ask you a few personal questions, Poppy?” Derek asked the question, allowing Poppy to give her agreement, as heasked for permission in all aspects of dealing with his residents and guests. Derek was never one to take consent for granted—always erring on the side of more rather than not enough.

Wiping at her nose once again, Poppy nodded. “Uh-huh.”

“What just happened here in my office, has that happened to you before?”

While Poppy usually kept her struggle with anxiety a closely-guarded secret, she knew Master Derek wasn’t asking to be nosy and that he truly had her best interest at heart. “It used to happen a lot when I was younger,” she confessed with a quiet voice very uncharacteristic of the usually chipper woman. “Then I seemed to grow out of it for a few years.”

When she didn’t continue, Master Derek prompted her to continue, “And now?”

She didn’t want to cry again. Her body was already feeling depleted after the panic attack she’d just endured. Still, a few tears trickled out. “A few times a week.”

“I’m sorry you have to experience something so disruptive to your life, darlin’. No one should have to experience something that affects their life so greatly. Especially an intelligent, sweet young lady such as yourself.”

Forcing a small smile she didn’t quite feel, Poppy nodded at Derek. “I just have a lot on my plate right now. Like you said earlier, I’m going to be graduating soon. And in predictable Poppy fashion, I have no idea what that means for me next. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. By twenty-seven, I thought I would have a career, a family—at least a group of friends I felt like I could count on. But here I am, and I don’t have any of that.”

Master Derek gave her a look full of empathy. She knew he took his responsibilities to heart. After all, his great-great-great-grandfather had founded Rawhide Ranch with young women much like Poppy in mind. And now, generations later, it was hisjob to make sure that residents, students, and visitors were well cared for, though she had to admit she wasn’t making it easy for him.

“Have you ever considered speaking with someone who is professionally trained in helping people who experience anxiety?”

Poppy was acutely aware of Master Derek’s phrasing, never singling her out to feel like she was odd for having panic attacks. Not like her brother and father used to do to her as a young child. Not like her ex boyfriends had done, the last keeping her isolated and alone until she had begun to question even her own sanity. “No, I never thought I needed to. I guess I just sorta thought that, after a while, they would disappear on their own.”

After all, Poppy thought to herself, didn’t everything disappear after a while, people included?

Though she didn’t voice the words out loud, Derek seemed to sense a shift in her mood. “While I would never require it of anyone, I think you would find some wonderful benefits in talking with Dr. Catherine Denten, our resident psychologist. I know many people here at the Ranch who have utilized her services. In fact, I’ve even visited her a time or two myself to help with learning effective coping mechanisms for dealing with stress.”

“Is that where you learned how to breathe like we did before?”

He gave her a nod along with a gentle smile that calmed her racing heart. “You’re very observant, aren’t you?”

She flushed under the praise of the Ranch owner, averting her gaze to somewhere over Derek’s shoulder.

“Will you be going home over the upcoming holiday break?”

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