Page 77 of Where the Darkness Goes

“I’ll say.”She’s so fucking beautiful.Slowly, I work myself into her, building up the heat we had just moments ago. I want so much more. I want everything, but for now, all I can do is move just like this.

Anything else, and this ends, and for now, I’d sooner die than make this end.

When we’re done, we change into pajamas, brush our teeth, and find our way back to bed. I stand in the space between the door and the bed, but before I can say anything, she pats the place next to her. “Stay.”

That is probably the best word I’ve ever heard.

My chest feels as tense as the fists at my side and the muscles in my back as I slip into bed next to her. I have no idea where this leaves us, and I want to be clear about my intentions. I roll toward her, and she eases into my arms, her breath warm against my bare chest.

“I can’t believe tonight happened,” I tell her, breathing against her hair.

“I know. It was… Somehow, it was just what I needed.”

I press a soft kiss to her head with a smile I feel in my toes. “Happy to help.”

She hums and kisses my chest in return. “I mean it. I think I’ve been holding out for some closure with us, you know?”

That word—closure—is an ice bath dunking I hadn’t been expecting. I lean away from her slightly. “What?”

“Yeah. You know, I’m really happy now. It was so hard at first.” She holds me tighter. “I missed you, and I was broken, but…I get it now. I understand why you broke it off, and…I think it was the right thing to do. It doesn’t mean we won’t always care for each other, but I think it’s obvious our friendship is the best part of what we have, you know? And this part was pretty nice, too.” I feel her cheek pull into a smile against my chest, hear it in her voice. How can she smile while she says this? Can’t she hear my heart cracking just below her ear? “So, I guess what I’m saying is, this was some sort of closure that maybe we both needed.”

I don’t respond. I can’t. I’m not even sure I’m breathing.

“Anyway, Will probably told you I was accepted to a school in Chicago, and I’ll be moving there soon. So this was…just exactly what I needed, you know? I can move on now and not be hung up on you. It was the perfect goodbye, so thank you.”

“Um, yeah…”

“I’m happy,” she says softly. “And…and you’re happy too, right?”

I clear my throat, blinking away tears. “Yeah. I’m…so happy.” Ten seconds ago, it wasn’t a lie. I missed my chance. I was going to tell her. I should’ve told her before we slept together, but then she kissed me, and all thoughts ceased.

When she’s in my arms, no other parts of the world exist, and because of that, because I’m so intoxicated by her, my window has closed, and I’ll never know if telling her the truth might’ve healed us or simply hurt us more.

I’ll never know if she’ll forgive me for a crime she still doesn’t understand.

Will’s words from earlier replay in my head, barely audible over the splintering in my chest.Let her be happy.Then I hear her words from just a moment ago.I’m really happy now.

I’ve been the source of so much unhappiness for her, and I clearly misread tonight completely, but how can I tell her anything now when it might just make everything worse?

I can’t be selfish. I blink back tears, kissing her hair. “Good night, Tessa.”

I guess this is goodbye.

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

TESSA — PRESENT DAY

I go to see Mom alone next. With my car back, I just want a chance to see her on my own. Even if she can’t comfort me like she used to, there’s still something comforting about being in her presence. I just want to sit with her.

Not to mention the fact that I need an excuse to be away from Garrett. I’m not mad at him necessarily. Disappointed, obviously, but what do I have to be mad at him about anyway? It’s Will who did something wrong. Will who broke the law and lied to me, even if Garrett aided and abetted.

But he lied to me, too. Garrett, whom I’ve trusted all my lifewithmy life, has been lying. About this and who knows what else.

Somehow, that feels like the biggest betrayal.

The nursing home is busy today with everyone getting ready for Christmas. The lobby has a big Christmas tree in the center of the room, and there’s just something warmer about the place.

When I reach Mom’s room, a nurse is just leaving. “Well, hey there.” She gives me a wide grin.

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