Page 73 of Where the Darkness Goes

The longer I let what happened sink in, the more I worry it was a goodbye.

He’s leaving, and I’m staying, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

He swipes his mouth with his thumb, his eyes burning holes in me. Maybe he’s had enough to drink that he’ll regret this when he sobers up. Does he already regret us? I think that would be enough to destroy me.

“You deserve more than fine, Tessa. You deserve everything. Do not settle for someone who isn’t enough just to piss me off.”

“I wasn’t?—”

“You were.” His jaw twitches in the moonlight, his face cast in shadows. “You forget how well I know you. Which is very well. I’m not worth you making a mistake you can’t take back.”

I fold my arms across my chest. “So sleeping with someone who isn’t you would be a mistake?”

“Sleeping with someone you don’t care about because of me would be a mistake,” he says plainly. “I’m not worth that.”

“How can you say that?” Now, I can’t fight the tears. “How can you kiss me? How can you do what you just did with me and not care?”

“I never said I don’t care. Of course I care. Jesus, I care more than I could ever—” He cuts himself off, looking away, then finally finishes with, “More than you know.”

“You left, remember? Not me. Don’t judge me for the way I heal my heart. I need to move on. You promised you wouldn’t hurt me. You promised you were mine. And then you just ghosted me.” I’m sobbing without realizing it as he pulls me into his chest, holding my head against him.

“I am yours,” he promises, his voice cracking as he touches my hand to his chest, right above his heart. “Of course I’m yours. Can’t you see how badly I hate watching you with anyone else? Can’t you see I’m miserable?”

I pull back, taking his face in my hands. “Then what is the problem? We will figure it out. As long as we’re together, we can figure anything out.”

He takes my hands from his face, kissing the knuckles, then my palm. “It’s not that simple. I’m sorry. I wish that it was.” Another kiss to my palm. “You have no idea how much I wish it was.”

“It can be.”

“No.” His voice is firm then, and he steps back, dropping my hands. “No. I will always be yours. But right now, you just can’t be mine.”

He steps back again. Then, with a final look my way, he disappears inside.

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

GARRETT — AGE 19

“Congrats, graduate.” Will pulls Tessa into a hug in the living room of our apartment.

With the exception of her recent graduation ceremony, where I only caught glimpses of her from across the school’s gymnasium, it’s been nearly six months since I saw her briefly last Christmas, and it’s every bit as hard as I’ve imagined. She looks good. Grown up in a way that feels impossible in such a small window of time. Her hair is shorter now, just above her shoulders. She’s never had it this short, but I like it. It suits her.

“Thanks.” She smiles awkwardly, then looks at me. There’s a moment where it’s clear we’re both trying to decide how to move forward. Do we hug? Shake? High-five? Wave?

We’re friends. We’ve texted and spoken on the phone occasionally, once her hatred cooled to a mild dislike. Mostly just to say Merry Christmas, happy birthday, or for her to check in on Will. Since my parents decided to move away, Will and I have spent our breaks and holidays there with them, only going to visit Frannie and Tessa for a few hours the day after Christmas.

It’s too hard to see her. To be in the same room and feel the electricity that radiates from her and not be able to touch her. I’m not a strong enough man.

We’re walking a fine line, where I had to do the most devastating thing I’ve ever done, and then I had to stand by my decision.

But now, everything is different, and I want to tell her why. Finally, I can explain myself.

I’m lost in my own thoughts when she sinks against my chest with a hug. On instinct, I gather her in my arms, holding her snugly against me. It’s as if this is the first time my lungs have been able to take a full breath.

She is, at once, familiar and changed. Her perfume is new, spicier than the florals she wore before, but there’s still the lingering scent of coconut in her hair. It’s painfully comforting having her in my arms again, a jarring reminder of all I’ve lost.

“Hey, stranger.” Having her against me makes everything better. I’ve never experienced anything like this.

It’s been a whole year, and I’m no less gone for this girl.

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