Page 43 of Cursed Wolfsbane

“I was never really interested in anyone before my magic came in. Once I realized you were my mate, it made sense why. Even though you left, I’ve never been with anyone else. I’ve just been waiting for you.”

My stomach drops, and shame slithers through me. I hang my head as I realize I basically cheated on him. “Saint, I’m not…I didn’t… I’m sorry.” My words are all jumbled as I try to find something to convey the crushing guilt I feel about not waiting for him. With my other mates, I had no idea they even existed, but I knew Saint. And I still slept with other guys. That makes me a pretty shitty person.

“Hey, little shadow. It’s okay. You didn’t know. I’m not upset at you, baby. I promise.” He tilts my chin up with his thumb until his eyes meet mine. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I did. I cheated on you.” The tears I’m holding back make my voice come out rough and scratchy. I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to see hatred in his.

“No, you didn’t,” he rumbles. He doesn’t say anything until I peek my eyes open. “You didn’t fucking cheat on me, so get that thought out of your head.”

“How can you say that?” I whisper.

“I can say it because it’s true. You didn’t remember me or anything about your life here. There wasn’t any way for you to know you had a mate waiting for you. And, from what I’ve heard, you were going through a lot.” His mouth presses into a thin line as he thinks about what all I was dealing with. For his sake, I hope he never learns all of it. “It’s understandable that you wanted to connect with someone that way.”

I give him a disbelieving look. “Not remembering seems like a cop-out.”

He huffs a laugh. “It’s not. It’s just the truth. Now, I don’t particularly want to know any of their names or hear details, unless you want me to go on a killing spree, but knowing you’ve slept with other men doesn’t make me love you any less, little shadow.”

I choke on my spit. “Love?” I squeak.

“Yeah, love. I’ve loved you as long as you’ve been alive. The love’s changed and shifted over the years, but I never stopped loving you, Briar. Not for a single beat of my heart.” I open andclose my mouth as I try to figure out what to say. It’s been a long time since I’ve said I love you to anyone other than Ava, at least before returning to Hawthorne Grove. Saint presses a kiss to my forehead. “I don’t need you to say it back right now. I just want you to know that even when you felt alone, there’s always been someone who loves you so goddamn much it physically hurts.”

Do I love Saint?

I mean, yeah, I always have, but I don’t know that I love him like he loves me. Yet. I can see myself being there soon, but I need time to get to know him again.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

“Don’t apologize, little shadow. My love’s not conditional. It doesn’t depend on you reciprocating. It’ll always be there. If you ever feel the same, great. If you never do, that’s okay too,” he assures me.

“I can see myself loving you like that, Saint. But I can see myself loving the Wyldharts like that too,” I admit.

“Good. Your heart’s too big for just me. It has enough room for them too. Maybe some rugrats, one day.” My eyes widen at the thought of kids.Oh God. I would make a terrible mother. I’m so clumsy I’d probably drop them and hurt them. I’m also way too fucked up to mother anyone. Saint chuckles at my expression, snapping me out of my spiraling thoughts. “Far, far in the future, little shadow. I’m sure as hell not ready to be a dad yet.”

Jesus Christ. How the hell did this night turn to talking about kids?

I haven’t even really thought about kids much. Sure, when I was younger, I always wanted a big family. I wanted a house full of laughter, a gaggle of kids, and so much love it could make even the grinch smile. But it’s been a long, long time since I’ve let myself think about that.

Do I still want that future?

With the way my heart squeezes at the thought, I think I do. As Saint said, sometime far, far, far in the future. I’m only twenty-one. There’s no need to rush into anything. And I still have a metric shit ton of problems to figure out before I’d ever consider starting a family.

There’s also the matter of the Wyldharts. I have no idea if they even want kids. It’s not like that topic has really come up. We’ve just been trying to survive, so there hasn’t been much time to ask them about their hopes and dreams.

“Oh” is all I can force past my tight throat, no longer constricted from just panic. There’s longing mixed in there too.

“It’s also completely fine if you never want kids.” His forehead wrinkles in concern as he stares at my probably panicked expression.

“It’s not that,” I try to explain. “It’s just not something I’d thought about for a while.”

“Fair enough. You’re looking like a deer in the headlights, so how ’bout you help me put my bike back together? That should help take your mind off everything.”

I give him a small nod, and Saint rewards me with a broad smile. Picking me up by my waist again, he gently sets me on my feet. He then tugs my hand and leads me over to the bike he was taking apart. He teaches me the ins and outs of his bike until the sun comes up, shining through the windows at the top of the garage doors.

He’s right. It does distract me, at least a little. But in the quiet moments, my mind can’t help wandering to what a future with the Wyldharts and Saint would look like.

Will it look like how I envisioned it as a kid, a life filled with as much love as I can handle?

Or will it look like the utter heartbreak I’ve dealt with for the past seven years?

---