Page 38 of Cursed Wolfsbane

Malachi steps up behind me and places his warm palm on my lower back. I lean into the touch slightly. “Pick whichever room you want, baby girl. We’re good with any of them.” Shrugging, I head to the room next to Saint’s. Expecting the Wyldharts to follow, I’m surprised when Malachi stands just outside the threshold. “We’ll give you some time to decompress. If you want company, just come get one or all of us.”

I nod again, and Malachi closes the door to my temporary room behind him. Padding across the plush light gray carpet, I drop my backpack on the silvery upholstered bench at the foot of the bed. A sage pin tuck comforter sits on the bed, along with matching shams and a few gray and white decorative pillows.Generic nature photos line the walls. Light wood nightstands that frame the bed are the only other furniture in the room.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I realize I have no clue what to do with myself. I’m not tired, but I don’t really want to sit alone with my thoughts. I know I’ll have to fully process everything eventually, but I’m trying to put it off for as long as I can. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to deal with all the pain and heartbreak in my memories.

Hopping up from the bed, I decide to go get something to drink. Quietly opening my room door, I start toward the staircase when hushed voices snag my attention.

“Can you stop fucking sabotaging yourself for five goddamn minutes?” Bastian hisses from the room two doors down. I creep closer to the door until I can peek in the partially open doorway. While still hidden from view, I can see into the room. Xander’s sitting on the navy comforter, his hands shoved into his blond hair. His elbows rest on his knees, and his head is bowed. Bastian’s pacing agitatedly in front of Xander.

“I don’t need or want your help, Bastian.” Xander’s voice is colder than I’ve ever heard it. I flinch from the disdain dripping from his words, even though it’s not directed at me.

“Bull fucking shit! You clearly need my help because you keep fucking things up with pretty girl. It’s like you don’t want to be happy!” Bastian whisper shouts in exasperation.

Xander shoves to his feet and gets in his twin’s face. “Because I don’t! I don’t fucking want to be happy because I don’t deserve it!” Xander roars.

Bastian stumbles back like he’s been hit. “What?”

“I don’t deserve to be happy when I let my twin get hurt for years and didn’t do a damned thing to stop it!” Xander shouts, his voice breaking at the end. He closes his eyes and tips his head up to the ceiling, trying to gather himself.

“You were just a kid, Xan. You didn’t know,” Bastian tells him softly, reaching a hand out to comfort his brother. Xander shakes off his touch and paces away from him, his shoulders hunched almost protectively.

When Xander turns back to his brother, his mouth is twisted in a grimace and his eyes shine with so much self-hatred it makes me physically hurt for him. “I should’ve fucking known!” Xander yells. “You’re my twin. I should’ve known something was wrong. I did fucking know something was wrong, but I didn’t care enough to find out because I was a selfish little shit.”

“Xander….” Bastian starts but trails off like he isn’t sure what to say.

“Don’t, Bastian. Just fucking don’t. Save whatever excuse you’ve come up with for me. It. Was. My. Fucking. Fault.” Xander pounds his fist into his chest with enough force to bruise after each word. “It was all my goddamn fault.”

“What are you talking about, Xander?” Bastian asks. “None of it was your fault! It was all on Father Simon.”

“Why did Father Simon torture you? Because you were a twin. Who’s your twin? Me! Without me, he wouldn’t have had a reason to hurt you. But I’m even more at fault for not stopping it. I knew something was wrong. You were even more withdrawn than usual after it started.

“But you know what I thought at the time? I was fucking annoyed at you! Mom and Dad made me spend more time with you in hopes of getting you out of your shell. That cut into my time with my friends. My friends also made fun of me for having a loser twin, and I wished you weren’t my brother. All while you were taking beating after beating silently to protect me. I know he threatened you with hurting me if you told anyone, Bastian. I know that’s why you didn’t tell Mom and Dad.”

Bastian scrubs one hand over his face. “It wasn’t your fault, Xander. He was a sick fuck who probably would’ve found anexcuse to hurt me regardless of if I had a twin. As for resenting me, guess what? You were a child who had the emotional intelligence of one! You had normal thoughts and feelings about it at the time.” Bastian clenches his jaw before softly admitting, “Yeah, I kept it a secret to protect you, but that was my choice. You aren’t responsible for that.”

Xander’s already shaking his head in denial before Bastian even finishes. “I am responsible. For all of it. And there’s nothing I can do in this life to make up for it. But I’m damn well trying to do everything I can for you. I know I’ve let you down so many fucking times. I’ve almost lost you so many fucking times.” Xander’s hoarse voice gets stuck in his throat. He has to swallow a few times before he can continue. “But I’m trying to do everything I can to make you stay here. Because I need you. We need you.”

Tears spill down Bastian’s face as he hears the gut-wrenching anguish in Xander’s voice. “I’m not going anywhere, Xan,” he whispers. “I know I fucked up as a teen, but I’m not leaving you.”

“But you wanted to.” It’s not a question. Xander’s resigned voice shakes as he states that fact.

Bastian hangs his head. “At one point I did, yeah. I wasn’t really thinking about anyone else. I just needed it all to stop hurting.”

“I wasn’t enough to make you stay.” Xander’s voice sounds so small, almost childlike.

“Xander….” Bastian hunts for something to say, but I’m not sure anything will help Xander right now.

Xander shakes his head back and forth before clawing at his throat. “I can’t—” he croaks, breaking off midsentence. “I can’t fucking do this right now. I’m sorry.” He dashes to the door and throws it open. His wide eyes meet mine. I brace myself for him to lash out at me, but he doesn’t say anything. Xander just brushes past me and sprints down the stairs.

I hesitantly walk into the room to see Bastian on his knees, his face in his hands. He looks up with red-rimmed eyes. “Go after him. Please.”

CHAPTER 18

BRIAR

“Bastian—” I start, but he cuts me off.

“I’m fine, or I will be, but Xander… I’m not sure he will be. Please just at least check on him. I know he’s not your favorite person, but he doesn’t deserve to hurt like this. Please. I think you’re the only one he might talk to right now.” Bastian rambles until I kneel on the floor with him.

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