Page 40 of Cursed Wolfsbane

He scoffs. “What could I possibly add to your life?”

“So much, Xander. You’re incredibly smart and very skilled at explaining things. You don’t make me feel like an idiot when I don’t get something, which gives me the confidence to keep trying. You have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever met. You care so much about those who matter to you, and you’re willing to sacrifice everything for them. And you’re funny, loyal, thoughtful, and so much more. I need you in my life, and, more importantly, I want you in it.”

Xander wraps his arms around his middle as he stares off into the distance. He seems to come back to himself after a minute. Turning his deep green eyes on me, Xander asks, “What if I drive you to hurt or kill yourself like Bastian?”

“Oh, Xander, you didn’t drive Bastian to anything.” Xander shakes his head and opens his mouth to disagree. I raise my brows at him, and he shuts his mouth. “Bastian and I are the same in a lot of respects. I can only talk to my experience, but I’m guessing he’s pretty similar.

“Before Patrick started beating me, I was just a normal kid. Overnight, I went from a kid who had never had a broken bone to someone who knew what it felt like to have every bone in both hands shattered, my femur snapped like a twig, and both collarbones broken in multiple places. And that was only the start.

“Along with fucking up my body, Patrick’s beatings twisted, or maybe broke, something else in me. I started to associate strong feelings with pain. Anytime I had an overwhelming emotion, I needed to hurt to deal with it. The best type of pain was the kind I chose to feel. Running became my drug of choice.I’d run until I hurt as a way to deal with my feelings and have some control over my life.

“Bastian probably feels something similar. He started needing pain to deal with what he was feeling. Physical pain hurts a hell of a lot less than the emotional kind. Bastian chose to get beat up to feel something other than self-hatred, despair, and hopelessness. None of it was about you, Xander.”

I squeeze my eyes shut to try to block out memories of the early beatings. They usually stay put in their neat little boxes, but talking about them gives them an opportunity to escape. With all my other memories I’m processing right now, the last thing I need is to be reliving some of the hardest parts of my life.

When I crack my lids, I see Xander staring at me, concern lining his face. He removes his hand from under mine. Before I have a chance to feel disappointed, he grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers. My pulse jumps at the contact. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. If I could take it all from you, I would. What you said makes sense, but why did he almost get himself killed? That goes beyond pain.”

I sigh as I stare out over the tree-filled valley beneath us. “No one needed him.”

“That’s not true! I fucking needed him,” Xander protests.

“I mean that no one’s safety or life depended on him.” I swallow hard and debate what I want to say. “If I didn’t have Ava, well, I probably wouldn’t be here.”

Xander rears back in surprise. “What?”

“There were so many times over the years, especially when I was lying on the floor alone, broken and bloody, that I wanted it all to end. I just wanted to give up and let him kill me,” I whisper. “But if I did that, there’d be no one to protect Ava. I had to keep fighting because her life depended on me doing so. Whereas you, Malachi, and your parents were safe without Bastian. There was nothing stronger than his pain holding him here.”

“Briar….” Xander starts. He stands up suddenly and reaches a hand down to me. I take it and let him pull me up. He heads over to a nearby tree and sits with his back against it. Crossing his legs, Xander tugs me down onto his lap so I’m facing him. He crushes me to his chest, and I inhale his ocean-spray scent. One of his hands splays on my lower back, and the other cups the back of my neck. “Sweetheart, I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so goddamned sorry we didn’t find you sooner.”

Pulling back, I narrow my eyes at him. “It’s not your responsibility. Don’t you dare take what Patrick did on your shoulders too.” My voice comes out sharp, and Xander’s eyebrows rise.

His lips hitch up in a small, bittersweet smile. “I can try not to. It’s just hard not to feel like if I were better, all the bad shit wouldn’t have happened to you or Bastian or Kai or even my parents.” Xander shrugs.

I bite my lip, wondering how open he’ll be to my suggestion. “Have you tried talking to someone? I don’t know if there are even wolf therapists, but it might help.”

Xander shakes his head. “No, I haven’t. Bastian did. Mom and Dad made him after the last time he almost got himself killed. He hated it at first, but it did seem to help him a lot. But why do I need to talk to anyone? Nothing happened to me.”

“Yeah, but it happened to someone you love. You saw how much pain Bastian was in and had to deal with the aftermath. That’s still heavy and can have a lasting impact on you.” It’s clear to everyone but Xander just how much it’s affected him.

“Have you talked to anyone?” he asks quietly.

“No, but I really probably should. It wasn’t exactly an option while I was still living with Patrick.” A laugh lodges in my throat as I imagine the look on his face if I said I wanted to go to therapy.

After shoving a hand through his already mussed-up hair, Xander blows out a breath. “I’ll talk to someone if you do.”

“Deal,” I agree immediately. He gives me a barely there smile before his gaze flicks down to my lips. Deciding to be brave, I close the distance between us and press my mouth to his. Xander cups the side of my face and deepens the sweet kiss. His soft lips slide against mine before his tongue slips into my mouth.

We sit kissing for what feels like hours and seconds at the same time. He eventually pulls back to lean his forehead against mine. I’m out of breath from the sweetest kiss I’ve ever gotten from Xander. I want to sit here like this forever, but the sun’s already dipping low on the horizon. We should probably head back before it gets dark.

Sighing, I lean back. “You ready to go back inside? Your twin’s really worried about you, so he’d probably appreciate seeing you in one piece.” After getting a nod from him, I put my hands on his shoulders and not very gracefully scramble off his lap. But, hey, at least I didn’t fall. That has to count for something. Once Xander gets to his feet, we start the trek back to Saint’s house.

Even though Xander has been sweet to me so far, I still feel raw. Talking about Patrick always makes me feel like someone poured liquid sandpaper into my veins that scrapes my insides until I’m just a bloody, torn-up mess.

I’ve never really talked to anyone about my messed-up coping strategies. It’s easier to ignore all the ways I’m fucked up if I don’t ever talk about it with anyone. It’s also easier to forget all the times I wished I wouldn’t wake up in the morning when I never share them. Pretending nothing was wrong helped me fake my way through life for the past seven years.

I don’t know how to share all the pain that’s locked in boxes in my mind with anyone. But for Xander, I’ll try. I’d do anythingfor any of the four men who hold more of my heart than they probably should.

CHAPTER 19

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