Page 39 of Cursed Wolfsbane

I grab his shaking hands in mine and wait until he looks up at me. “I’ll do it, Bastian, as long as you’re sure you’re okay. And I don’t dislike Xander. He’s hurt me, but he’s only been able to do that because I care about him.”

Bastian nods at me, so I drop his hands. Pushing to my feet, I walk to the door. Once I reach it, I pause and take one last look at Bastian. His shoulders shake with silent sobs, and my heart hurts for both of them.

Trusting Bastian to know what he needs most right now, I follow Xander. When I step outside the door, I see Malachi walking out of his temporary room, probably having heard all the commotion. He gives me a questioning look, so I nod back toward Bastian. Dipping his chin in acknowledgement, he heads toward Bastian, and I follow the same path Xander did. Hookinga right at the bottom of the stairs, I walk over to the French doors that lead out to the backyard. I’m guessing he went out this way.

Once I’m standing on the brick patio, I realize I have no clue how to find Xander. He’s long gone, so I can’t just follow him by sight. Maybe I can track him with scent? I’m nowhere near good enough with my wolf nose to do that myself, so I call on Dido.Hey, Dido? Can you help me track Xander?

“I can, child. Do you wish to stay in this form?”

Yeah, if I can.

“You can. Cede control of this body to me, and I’ll find your mate.”

I do as she tells me to. Before I know it, I’m sprinting through the forest, expertly weaving between shrubs, trees, and fallen logs. It’s super trippy being a passenger in my own body, but I’m willing to do it for Xander.

Ten or so minutes later, Dido brings my body to a stop.“He is through these trees. Your body is yours to control again.”

Thanks, Dido. I don’t think I’d have been able to find him on my own.

“Anytime, child.”

Now that my body is mine again, I sound like a stampede of angry elephants rampaging through the forest. Leaves crunch loudly under my feet in the quiet. The only sounds, besides my clumsiness, are the scurrying of wildlife, the flapping of wings, and the calls of the various animals.

Breaking through the tree line, I spot Xander sitting on the edge of a small cliff overlooking a valley filled with trees. His legs are dangling over the edge, and his elbows are resting on his knees. Xander doesn’t turn around at my approach, but he does hear me.

“Go back inside, Briar. I’m not….” Xander’s raspy voice breaks off. He shakes his head before continuing. “I’m not very good company right now.”

I ignore him and sit on the cliff edge with him. Swinging my legs to hang off the edge, I lean back on the rough stone with my hands. “I know. I don’t care if you’re good company, though.”

Xander balls up his fists but doesn’t look at me. “Briar, just go. I don’t want to hurt you, but I probably will right now.”

“It’s okay if you do, Xander.” I give him a small shrug. “I’ve come back for more every other time you’ve stomped on my heart, so I’ll be fine.”

Xander whips his head around to look at me. His mouth is parted in shock. “When have I stomped on your heart?”

I give him a small, sad smile. “When you run hot and cold. Sometimes you make me feel like I matter to you. Other times, you give me the messiest kiss of my life, scold me for almost dying, and storm off. Yet I’m still here.”

“I wasn’t fucking trying to hurt you!” Xander shoves his hand through his hair in frustration at himself. “That’s why you need to go back inside now. I don’t want to hurt you, sweetheart. Despite my actions, you do matter to me. A hell of a lot.”

“And you matter to me, Xander.” It would be easier some days if I didn’t care so much, but I do. “That means that I want to see all of you, not just the parts of you that you deem safe to show the world. I want to see the messy, broken, raw, hurting, angry, sad, and frustrated parts of you. I want it all, and I want to be the person you turn to when things are hard. The person you trust to always be there, no matter what.”

Xander’s gaze bounces over my face like he’s trying to see if I’m lying. After a moment, he stares back out over the forest beneath us. His heel knocks against the cliff face, sending a rock tumbling down. We watch it fall in silence for a moment. “How can you want me after knowing what I did to Bastian?” Xander croaks.

The visceral pain in his voice makes my chest ache. “You didn’t do anything to him. That was all on the priest. None of it’s your fault.”

Xander clenches his jaw and looks down at his lap. His blond hair falls in front of his eyes, casting shadows on his face that makes everything look sharper. “It is. I should’ve known, and I should’ve stopped it.”

“There wasn’t any way for you to know. Bastian didn’t tell you because he loves you. And because he was a kid who was manipulated by an authority figure,” I tack on, anger at the priest seeping into my voice. I didn’t know it was possible to hate someone I’ve never met so much. “None of what happened is on you or him.”

“I failed him, and I know I’ll eventually fail you,” he admits. “You’re better off without me.”

My throat feels tight as I finally understand why Xander can seem like two different people sometimes. It isn’t that he doesn’t care. It’s that he cares enough to want to protect me from what he views as the biggest threat—himself. I lay my hand over his, trying to provide a bit of comfort. My heart beats a little harder in my chest when he doesn’t push me away.

“You didn’t fail him, Xander. You’re the one that saved him, remember? You’re the one that finally made it stop. And you won’t fail me. There’s no universe in which I’m better off without you.” Even with all our ups and downs, I know it in my bones that having Xander, in any way I can, will always be better than living without him.

“You said it yourself. I hurt you.” His voice breaks on the last word.

“Yeah, you have, but that’s part of caring about someone. Sometimes, even though we do everything we can to avoid it, we hurt the people we care about most. That doesn’t mean we don’t care about them. It means we’re human, and we fuck upsometimes. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and try to do better going forward. But even with hurting me, you add so much to my life that makes all the pain worth it,” I tell him honestly.

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