Page 85 of Until Then

Noah

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” My body aches. I’m exhausted and all I’ve done is lounge around, falling into my own head for twenty-four hours.

Hayley pulls down the lane to the ranch. “We’re not going to talk to anyone. It’s just us. Promise.”

I sit back in the passenger seat. Hayley parks my car in front of the stables.

“Go on in. I hear horses can be soothing.” With a wink she gets out, but bends down to finish her thought. “I’m going to grab us some blankets; I want to take you somewhere.”

Then, she’s gone, jogging toward her house.

I don’t want to move. Truth be told, I want to slip into the cracks of the earth and pretend I’m not such a leech on happiness. I want to pretend Hayley doesn’t know exactly what happened yesterday.

We haven’t mentioned it.

Maybe she thinks I’ll have some sort of psychotic break and hurt her too.

I scrub my palms down my face and force my body to move. I force my shoulder to nudge the car door open.

I’m still dressed in sweats. At least they’re clean. A Perfectly Broken T-Shirt is a bit baggy on my chest, but I managed to brush my teeth and put on shoes. Can’t say the same for my hair and my face. I’m unkempt, and I don’t even care.

Hands in my pockets, I amble into the stables.

A dreary weight still presses on my shoulders until I slouch. The sound of my shuffling feet draws the attention of more than one horse. Each stall I pass, I take a second to pat a snout or neck.

Until I get to Winter.

The pale gelding has his head over the gate of his stall. His deep brown eyes hold mine, unblinking. He snorts and nudges the soft end of his nose against my arm.

My throat tightens. One palm runs along his nose, next it rubs across his neck, into his golden mane. Winter’s head hooks over my shoulder, almost as though the creature is pulling me in for a hug.

Unbidden, I go for it.

Arms around the horse’s neck, palms stroking his soft coat. Winter holds steady. Occasionally he’ll nicker or blow his lips. I lean the side of my head to his steady breathing on his warm neck.

He’s calm, grounded, peaceful. It’s the first lull I’ve had since the dark storm collided and knocked me down.

Emotion, swift and potent, breaks from my chest.

I’m not a crier, but the weight of everything—the final season, Shane Holston, constant scrutiny, a chaotic relationship with a career people would kill to have—all fall out. Thoughts I’ve shouted at myself since I was a kid spew vitriol on my head. Mistakes I’ve made reel through my mind like an old movie. Every failure, every potential failure.

Cruel words tempt me to find a way to make it stop. For good.

Rees wouldn’t need to worry anymore.

Dad and Justine wouldn’t be hounded by paparazzi in the middle of the grocery store.

Jude wouldn’t have to wonder why his uncle looks so sad when he has everything.

Hayley wouldn’t have been tossed back into the sights of a man she clearly wanted to cut out.

I hold onto Winter, breathing when he breathes.

The storm builds and battles until, all at once, Ifeelthe lifeline approach.

A gentle hand slides between my shoulder blades. I lift my head. Sticky tears soak my skin, but through the chaos, Hayley’s face—as promised—is like a dawn after a terrible night.

The hazel of her eyes shines in a sharp green through her own tears. Slowly, she eases behind me, never forcing me to let go of the horse’s neck. My wildfire doesn’t say anything, merely hugs me from behind, resting her cheek on my back.

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