Page 71 of Until Then

“I’ve been so grateful for the show, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not sure I want to keep this . . . pace, you know? I don’t know if I want to always be at premiers or in the public eye. My agent is annoyed with me for being so noncommittal. I had a hot shot director reach out last week for a meeting in a couple days, and I’m pretty sure my agent cried when I agreed to it. I miss the stage and, honestly, I’ve loved teaching the kids in the youth program.”

“So you’re asking if I think slowing down for your own sanity and to focus on other areas of the job that bring you more happiness than others is nuts? Hmmm, let’s see. I moved to a cabin in the forest and married a sexy woman who runs a small town café, and talk to maybe twelve people—five of whom are my own family. Yeah, man. I get the appeal of slowing down and living the way you want to live. You don’t owe anyone anything, Noah. Not if it makes you unhappy.”

“It doesn’t,” I say. “I truly love my job, which makes all this confusing. I worked so hard to get to where I am, and, I don’t know, feel a little selfish for wanting to pull back, I guess.”

“You’re not selfish. You can still love your job, but not want to do it every day. I’m old and wise now so?—”

“Is mid-forties over the hill now?”

“Basically.” Chase adjusts on the other line. “Take it from me, life is short. You never know when you don’t get another day.”

“Morbid.”

“Yet true,” he says. “Sometimes, even when it feels like we should be completely content, that little nudge in the gut istrying to get us to look somewhere else, so we can spend our time doing what truly brings us happiness.”

“Sounds like you’re talking from experience.”

“Did you know I was engaged before Jer?”

“Ten years and I never knew this?”

“I don’t talk about her much. She died, Noah. After, I thought I’d rot in my old apartment, doing nothing but write to escape the real world. Until I inherited my house here, and . . . something told me to go. I will never regret that nudge in the gut. It showed me life wasn’t over, and I’m one of the lucky ones who gets to fill it with the family I never thought I’d have.”

It takes me a minute to think of what to say. “I’m really glad you did, man.”

“I hope you get to have all you want too, Noah.”

Hayley Foster. She’s who I want.

The murky cloud that fills my head follows the thought, adding another weight to my spine. The show is ending. I don’t have a clear grasp on what I want to do next. Not exactly. I’m constantly scrutinized, meaning everyone associated with me is also under a vigilant public opinion.

I haven’t been able to hold down a relationship longer than six months since I was twenty-one.

Hardly a catch.

I shake my head, draw in a deep breath and blow it out. While Chase explains about his book tour schedule he’ll be doing throughout his visits to the film set this fall, I silently tick off things that are true. Things I can be grateful for since they exist.

Redirection. That’s what Dan says is key. Redirect the rogue thoughts to something true. Tangible. I need to remind myself to see the reality that gets covered by the shadows sometimes.

Truth be told, the last few days have been more challenging than I’d like.

Too familiar.

Too frightening.

I don’t want to spin down the hole again, but sometimes it feels like one misstep might be the thing to knock me on my back.

When Chase insists he needs to go help Jeri corral their kids for afternoon sports, I sit back, staring at my ceiling.

An era is coming to an end. Like Chase, I ought to be glad and proud of the work we’ve done. He had to close the chapter when he finished the book series. A world he’d lived inside for years before the show took off.

He moved on, found purpose.

Excitement for the potential is there, deep in my chest. I merely need to keep it at the forefront and not let it fall into the fog.

With a touch of reluctance, I send a text to Rees. As much as my own head tells me not to bother others with . . . well, with me, my twin made me vow on our mom I’d always send the Bat Signal if I needed.

The signal is nowhere as cool as Batman.

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