Page 37 of Ascension of the Pack

It’s okay, Lucy.Esme’s tone was soft and soothing.

It wasn’t. My heart was hammering and I was pretty sure I was experiencing a panic attack. I went into my bedroom suite, closed the door behind me and leaned against it. Sanctuary: I was safe here. Greg wasn’t here to watch me fall apart and Terrance couldn’t watch me from inside my head. I had no one to judge me but Esme.

I never judge you,she murmured softly. She didn’t, nor I her.

I slid to the floor with my back against the wood and tried to breathe more slowly. I sat like that for a long time until my heartbeat had slowed and a knock on the door propelled me to my feet. I opened it cautiously and peered out.

Tristan’s face was unreadable as he thrust out a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food towards me with a fork. It was the fork that broke me. I swallowed hard, trying to fight my tears. ‘Thank you.’

‘You want to talk?’ he offered.

I managed a broken smile. ‘Not now, but thank you.’

He nodded briskly. ‘Xander’s death was not your fault,’ he said firmly, then he walked away before I broke down. I appreciated that.

I shut the door and slid back down to the floor so that I could sob my heart out. I cried in between shovelling in mouthfuls of Tristan’s much-needed and incredibly thoughtful gift. Eventually, when the ice cream was gone, so were the tears.

Setting the empty tub aside, I lurched to my feet and stumbled into the bathroom. I turned the shower on to hot and fumbled with the buttons of my top. In frustration, I did a Greg and ripped it off, dropping the tattered remains to the floor. I stood beneath the water and prayed it could wash my soul clean.

I had felt nothing but satisfaction at Rain’s death; he had been a foul brute who had degraded the role of alpha. I could still see the fear overtaking Nova, the tension in every line of her body, the way she had cradled her son to her in terror as Rain and his wolves had pounded away at what had become her sanctuary. They had come to break into Nina, but the seat of power had withstood them without flinching.

I was so damned proud of Nina and I needed to remember to tell her that; too often we voiced complaints rather than compliments. She deserved my admiration. But what did I deserve?

Condemnation.

I had piped Rain’s wolf to prevent him shifting and healing. Was that the turning point when I had become evil? Because surely I was evil now. I’d used my piping skills to make Geneve fall from the sky; I’d willed her to do it.

Normal pipers weren’t like me, but I’d been made a piper by Glimmer and the rules didn’t seem to apply. And if I didn’t have a moral compass, what did I have? I was deadly and I was dangerous; I could be worse than Rain and Beckett combined if I so wanted.

We’re nothing like them,Esme snarled.Nothing. You are strong and you did what had to be done. Do you think Geneve would have stopped? She wasDomini, Lucy. She wanted our power, our crown. Our lives!

I sobbed as the hot water poured over me.Maybe I should have given it to her!I said despairingly.I don’t know who I am anymore.

I longed to go back to being Lucy Barrett, accountant extraordinaire, who one day was going to run her own accountancy firm. An ordinary life with ordinary aspirations, but no less worthy for being so.

Is this about spreadsheets?Esme asked dubiously.Because if it helps, we can start one about people we have mauled or killed.She sounded hopeful. She was keen on a death spreadsheet.

I half-laughed, half-sobbed.That willnothelp, Esme. Not even a little.

I think you are bolting doors after the cow has already run.

Closing the stable door after the horse has bolted,I corrected.

Yes, that. Rain is dead, Geneve is dead. What is the point of feeling bad about it? They were intent on harming us and now they cannot. I do not understand your misery.

It’s not about them, Esme, it’s about me. WhoamI?

You are Lucy Alessandro-Barrett.Her tone was perplexed, like she didn’t understand how I didn’t know my own name by this stage of my life, and it tore a tortured chuckle from my throat.

She always knew how to lift me up and she made me laugh so often by mangling our sayings. I’d told her before about the closing the stable door after the horse had bolted but she was butchering my idioms to make me smile. God, she was the best soul sister a girl could ask for.

I cuddled Esme in my head but in truth I felt further from her than ever. Our perceptions were so different at times; she truly couldn’t understand my anguish about my actions.

Grief pricked at me. I pressed my head against the cool tiles and let my tears mingle with the water as it gradually cooled. I pictured Xander offering me one of his bright smiles and another shard of guilt stabbed me. Who was Ben to determine thatIshould live instead of Xander?

You are Queen,Esme murmured.He is protecting you, as is right.

I was glad Terrance wasn’t on my head right then because I would have been tempted to throw him as far away as possible, and flinging away the crown of werewolf power was probably a bad idea. It would be just my luck that fucking Stephen Isaacs would stroll by and plop it onhis nefarious head, then I’d have to fight him, too. Right now, I wasn’t sure that I could.

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