Page 40 of The Alpha's Reclaimed Mate

“So why don’t you?”

There were a thousand truths, yet nothing I could muster the courage to say.

Lucas inched a little closer. “Why can’t you?”

Maybe he’d sensed how difficult his first question was. This question was a little easier to think of an answer for. I briefly marveled at the difference between intention and reason—the difference betweendon’tandcan’t—before sucking in a breath and finally speaking. “Any joy I feel gets ripped away seconds later. So what’s the point…?”

The gloominess of my answer made Lucas pale. “What do you mean? You have so much to live for.” Then reconsidering his response, Lucas reached for my hand, grazing my knuckles with his fingertips. “You changed since the day I met you. Aria, what happened?”

Once more, my throat swelled, and I struggled to speak. “I failed everyone.”

Lucas squeezed my hand. “How?”

But the more he pined for an answer, the worse I felt. The heat in my face manifested into tears in the corners of my eyes. I breathed slowly, trying to keep the tears from falling. “I just… wasn’t good enough to be Alpha Female. I wasn’t good enough for Oswald or for my family. My whole pack believes I’m a selfish, dramatic little brat.”

“But something must have happened for them to think that. Did you fail your training? Was there a fight that I’m not aware of?”

Here was where I wished I had actual evidence of why I was so bad for Lucas. I wished I could tell him of some terrible misdeed I’d committed to convince him that I was a waste of his time, but I struggled to pinpoint my failings exactly. It was the same dilemma that kept me awake night after night, wracking my brain in relentless sadness, trying to think of what I’d done wrong and how I could fix it. I’d thought about it enough, the answer finally tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop it. “It never mattered what I did. I tried my best, and it was never going to be good enough. Oswald always disdained me, and then Mara showed up in the nick of time to give my fated mate an excuse to reject me. Mara always gets hurt by me, somehow, when I’ve never tried to harm her. Half the pack believes that I’ve attacked Mara. The other half just feels sorry for me. Everything I dedicated my life to was taken away until I was touch-starved and bleeding out from rabid Rogues, and it feels like it’s exactly what Oswald and Mara want.”

Tears wobbled out of my eyes as I poured all my feelings at Lucas, summing up everything I had experienced in raw truth, hoping Lucas could make sense of what I couldn’t. How could Oswald be so cruel to draw our relationship out for so long? Where did Mara even come from? My life came crashing down at what was supposed to be my highest point. How was it possible that such things could align to break me so severely? I cried in bewilderment, mourning the life I had before my disastrous mating ceremony.

Lucas slid his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. He pressed his lips into the side of my messy head of hair, coarse with grease since I hadn’t bathed in days, embracing me despite my odor and fatigue. At first, I was stunned, expecting him to push me away like everyone did. Lucas just held me tight, breathing deeply and patiently. He rubbed my arm and tilted my shoulder toward him until I was slumped against his chest, shuddering, realizing how badly I’d missed the touch of another person. Not only that but to feel like another person cared about my existence. Lucas did. He held me like in spite of all my shortcomings he still genuinely empathized with me. He felt sad for me and wanted better for me. I cried harder at the sincerity of his touch.

After a long few minutes, Lucas took a breath in. “I’m sorry you went through that. A pack shouldn’t behave that way to someone who’s done nothing but her best to fulfill everyone’s expectations.” His voice was soft and pensive, stroking my heart with affection I couldn’t believe was real. There had to be some ulterior motive behind his embrace. But all the same, I wanted to collapse into him and believe in the best of the moment. That Lucas could care for me.

I didn’t know how else to cope with the moment other than to keep crying until I’d cried out all the sorrow pent up in my chest. It took a little while longer before I could put together words.

“It aches, the hole he’s left inside of me where our fated bond should be. Oswald never had a shred of love for me,” I croaked. “Yet because of our fated bond, he held onto me. If not for Mara would he have said yes? Locked us in a loveless relationship until he inevitably got me killed because he hated me?”

“An Alpha shouldn’t be so cold,” Lucas agreed with me. “If he can’t feel love and sympathy for every member of his pack, right down to the lowest Omega, then he is failing to be a proper Alpha. Worse, Oswald is risking your life. Breaking your fated bond alone could kill you. Knowing the fated bond magnetizes mates to one another, using that to put you in compromising situations until he can shatter your bond. To show such blatant malice toward someone so devoted… I don’t know how your entire pack can’t see that Oswald is failing to uphold the standards of our alliance. I’m disappointed in him. You deserve so much better.”

His words resonated within me. His outside perspective was exactly what I’d been experiencing. He saw it all without his opinion of me being tarnished, influenced by someone else; he saw it as I saw it, and understood my pain, and told me to my face that I didn’t deserve the pain. I’d worked hard. It almost brought me to tears, had I any tears left, but I didn’t. I gazed back at Lucas, losing myself in his amber stare, helpless to the way he admired me.

Lucas pressed his forehead against mine and caressed the locks of my hair, tucking them behind my ear. “How can I help you feel better?” he asked gently.

The sensation of him stroking my hair made me acutely aware of how dirty I was. My voice shook with emotion welling up inside. “Can I take a bath, please?”

His shoulders quaked in amusement. “Yes. I’ll call the healer over, and she’ll help clean you up.”

I didn’t have the energy to insist I didn’t need help. But to be honest, I wouldn’t mind Esther’s company. Sniffing, I tried to urge my facial muscles to smile, but all that happened was a twinge in my lips.

After calling the healer on his smartphone, Lucas tucked it in his pocket and hoisted me to my feet, helping me slowly and steadily down the hallway to his washroom. It was difficult to walk with all my injuries, and by the time I got into the fierce bright light of the bathroom, I was anxious about what hot water would do to me. Lucas sat me down on the edge of the tub, looking at my clothes before suddenly standing back. “You get undressed, but don’t touch your bandages. Esther will be here any moment.”

Then without a second word, Lucas left the bathroom, closing the door and leaving me alone to get naked. Swallowing, I stripped off my clothes and wrapped my arms around myself, shivering as I exposed my cuts and bruises to the air. I slowly lowered myself into the tub, hiding myself in my knees for when somebody inevitably burst in.

Esther didn’t burst in, though. She knocked politely and leaned closer, “Aria, can I come in?”

I shivered and opened my eyes. “Yes.”

The door cracked open. Esther walked inside, her blonde hair piled high on her head in a messy bun. “Ah! You poor thing,” she cooed, laughing but not unkindly. She felt sorry for me too. “Here. Let me unwrap your bandages while we run the tap and let the water warm up.”

Esther leaned in, turning on the tap until it dribbled cold water. She scanned over me, unwrapping bandages over wounds that were shiny pink with mending and dark with scabs. When I was totally bare, and the water ran hot, Esther put the stopper in and filled the tub, gradually immersing me in a surprisingly pleasant, therapeutic heat. I didn’t expect it to feel so nice.

“Just sit there. I’ll wash you,” she said.

At first, it felt invasive, but that was just my touch-starvation making her affection feel strange and undeserved. I did want her to coddle me. I wanted attention I felt like I’d been deprived of all my life. It was nice to sit there and let someone else take care of me after I’d been alienated by everyone I once held dear.

“How are you sleeping?” ventured Esther.

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