Page 95 of Smith

“My ex,” I shouted back. “The woman I was supposed to marry. The woman I spent years trying to save, trying to fix, trying to love her enough so she’d choose me, choose us. But it wasn’t enough, nothing I did was enough. In the end, she left. She chose abuse, dysfunction, and a life of terror over what I could give. What Igaveher.”

“Smith—”

I was too far gone to care Aria looked stricken.

Way past the point of caring about anything.

“You want it,” I spat. “You can have it. All of it. She was a mess. Her father beat her, her mother, and her brother. And I mean beat them. Bruises all over her back, stomach, legs, always places that could be hidden. It wouldn’t do for the good doctor’s secret to come out. The rich and powerful and respected doctor who was really a monster. I worked my ass off and saved every fucking penny to get her out. I graduated high school, stayed, watched my mother drinking herself stupid every day, because I couldn’t leave Rie. Not until she turned eighteen and could leave with me. Nine fucking months after I graduated I waited, worked two, sometimes three jobs to save money to get her out. Her eighteenth birthday, we packed my piece-of-shit car and were hitting the road even though she hadn’t graduated. We had a plan. She’d get her GED while I was in basic.”

I had to stop to breathe through the venom clogging my throat. Jesus fucking Christ, why didn’t Valerie listen to me?

“Smith—”

“Oh, no, Aria. You wanted to know. Now you take it, and warning—it gets worse. She wanted to stop by her house on the way out of town. She forgot something. Swore her dad was at work, her mom was shopping, and her brother would be at school. We get there, I wait in the car, then I wait longer. Rie’s taking too long so I go in and the doctor is beating the ever-loving fuck out of Rie. I jump in, get the motherfucker off my girl, take a beating, then get mine back. He’s bloody and cowed and still makes his threat—Rie leaves and her mother will pay. My girl’s so fucked-up, I had to carry her out to the car. We spend a week in a ratty-assed, shithole motel. And it takes me that entire week to convince her not to go back.”

“What?” Aria whispered. “She wanted to go back?”

“Yep. She knew her father would make good on his threat. She knew her mother’s abuse would get worse. We make a new plan. When I get out of basic, finish A-school, and get to my dutystation, we’ll get her mom to come live with us. Rie gets on a bus to go to Pensacola. I go to Great Lakes. Three months later, I join her in Pensacola. I’m so fucking happy to have my girl back. I missed the fuck out of her. I was worried the whole time I was away from her. And what does she do? The very next day, she starts in on how she should go home. Home to her piece-of-shit dad. This time it takes me the three weeks before I class up to convince her to stay. New plan. I’m going to BUD/s. When we get to San Diego, get her into an apartment, we’re gonna talk to her mom. I spend the next twelve weeks while I’m in A-school keeping her calm.”

“Smith, that’s…”

“That’s Rie. A fucking mess, worried about her mom, forgetting her dad used his fists on her repeatedly for as far back as she could remember. We get to Coronado, I get checked in, waiting to class up, and she starts in again. She’s not studying for her GED, she’s not letting me help her through her trauma, she’s throwing up roadblocks, won’t talk about it, won’t get help, won’t talk to someone. I’m frustrated, I’m stressed, and I’m fucking scared but fuck I love her, so I spend more time talking her down. I sit next to her when she calls her mom. That conversation ends badly and she’s back toneedingto go home. Since we’re not married I can’t live off base with her, but every break I have, I’m with her. I get through BUD/s by the skin of my teeth. And I mean that, I was one revolution from being washed out. My head was so fucked, if I hadn’t had Cash there with me, I wouldn’t have made it.”

“She was home.”

“I get my trident?—”

“Smith,” Aria interrupted. “Shewashome.”

“What?”

“Val…your ex, she was home.”

“We were in San Diego,” I impatiently reminded her, wanting to get the rest of this fucked-up tale over with.

“I don’t care if the two of you were in Zimbabwe. She was with you. That’s home. She was home, Smith, she just didn’t know it.”

Her words penetrated, every one of them felt like a stab to the chest.

“I was never home to her. Home was Detroit. Home was chaos, abuse, and violence. What I gave her wasn’t enough to get her to see she was better off with me. I wasn’t enough?—”

“Stop it!”

“Stop what? Telling you the truth? This is me.” I threw my arms out wide. “This is who I am. The idiot kid who loved a girl he never should’ve loved then got her mother and her killed. There you have it, Aria. Your why.”

Aria reared back and whispered, “Killed.”

“Her mother had anaccidentalfall down the stairs. Rie wasn’t so lucky. She took one too many blows to the head, spent two days in ICU before she died.”

The two steps back said it all.

It was finally penetrating…just how much of a piece of shit I was.

Two women gone because of me.

“And you think that’s your fault?”

Was she insane?

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