Page 172 of Forget

“It felt good, until it didn’t,” I mutter. “My body reacted to the spanking, and I liked that. I enjoy rough play. We did it during my first heat with them. I didn’t think I’d enjoy being gagged and spread, but I did. I was on the edge of consent during my heat, and I was okay going with the flow. I think the fact that it was all done in anger is what is fucking with my head. That’s what I hate. Am I fucked up for being so confused?”

“Not at all. You’re processing your feelings, and there are a lot of conflicting ones here. Once you muddle through some of them, you may need a conversation about it,” Dr. Alys says. “How do you think he feels about it? I’m on your side in this, but it’s important to explore his side as well in a safe place.”

“He is leaving me gifts and giving me space,” I tell her. “It’s like he’s treating me like glass, and I’m not going to break!”

My chest is heaving as I yell that and she nods.

“Damn right you’re not,” she says.

“I think he feels like shit,” I continue. “He looks at me with these sad eyes as if he’s already lost me. He… he told me I could reject him the other day.”

“He did?” she asks. “Wow. Can I tell you what that shows me?”

I nod, waiting to hear what she thinks. Aiden has me tangled up in knots, because I don’t understand what he wants. Fuck, I don’t know what the hell I want. It’s why this is all so difficult!

Spiral, spiral, spiral.

Damn. Taking a breath, I hold it for a moment as I listen to Dr. Alys.

“He wants what’s best for you,” she says. “Do you want to reject him?”

“No,” I burst out, releasing the breath in a woosh. “I need him. I know I wouldn’t if I rejected him, but I don’t want to do that. I want to be able to curl on his lap and just lay there. I want to feel safe with him. I know that’s an instinctual thing…”

“A lot of this is biology,” she agrees. “There’s a pull to the other person, especially when you’re bonded.”

Lately, I find myself wanting to know where they are in the house. I don’t leave the attic, but I do peek out to try to figure out where they are. I like going to bed knowing everyone is under the same roof. Otherwise, I feel twitchy and anxious when one of them works late.

Considering I’m not home until after ten at night sometimes, that’s saying something.

For someone with a half bond, I remember what Caelin said to me before. I need to figure out my feelings and talk to Aiden. Then, I need to finish bonding with Caelin and Domh. While they went through with Aiden’s plan to not tell me who he was during our first date and heat, I can understand why.

I never would have gotten in the SUV otherwise. I have a lot of discussions to do with them all.

“Being an adult sucks,” I mutter.

Dr. Alys smirks. “You had quite the argument in your head, didn’t you? Want to loop me in?”

I love that she never makes me feel badly for getting lost in my head. I explain to her about what I’ve been thinking, and also how I’m a little scared that it may be too late for me to talk to Aiden.

“I think he’s the only one who can tell you that,” she says gently.

Pulling a few tissues to clean up the tears that won’t stop coming, I nod with a sigh.

“Yeah,” I say. “I’m starting to understand that. Time to woman up, I guess.”

“Take your time, say what you need to, and establish your boundaries so this doesn’t happen again,” Dr. Alys says. “I have a feeling Aiden Hayes is hard headed. You need to make yourselfvery clear. If you want to be a brat, those things need to be discussed so it’s within the rules you set. And Aisling?”

“Yeah?” I ask.

“May I suggest safe words? They’ll help provide a framework for what’s okay and not,” she says.

My face flames as I nod. I didn’t think this is the direction our therapy session would take, but I’m glad it is. I don’t understand this type of kink play yet.

“Can you explain what that all means?” I ask weakly.

Dr. Alys’ lips twitch, but it doesn’t stop her from explaining how to set boundaries and consensual play. I feel better, lighter even when I leave.

“Do you need anything?” Caelin asks, standing as I walk out of the office. My nose is stuffy, my eyes are swollen, but I really needed this therapy session.

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