Page 52 of Toxic

"But I’m also a human being, and you’re a human being feeling crappy, so I’ll stay."

He didn’t respond, so I got up. "I’m going to the pharmacy now to buy postpartum pads…"

"You don’t have to, I’ve got them here. There’s a whole pack under the bed," he muttered.

I sighed, realizing he’d been ready for this moment for a while now. I knelt down, retrieved the pack, and pulled out a pad.

"You should take off your pants and underwear; I’ll slide this under your hips."

Since he didn’t make a move, I pushed the blanket aside and helped him myself, pulling down his sweatpants and boxers from his narrow hips, both bearing traces of blood. I took it to the bathroom, tossing the boxers under the faucet to soak the blood and prevent any permanent stains.

Then I saw a small bowl next to the sink, filled it with warm water, and grabbed some paper towels. Upon returning to the room, I slid the pad under his hips without saying a word. He stayed silent, staring at the ceiling. I wasn’t sure why he was letting me do this, as if I truly were a nurse. It felt strange, such intimate ministrations, yet he didn’t protest.

I took a piece of paper towel, dampened it, and said, "You’ve got some blood on your thighs; let me wipe it off."

He slowly parted his legs. I saw dried blood stains on his butt and inner thighs, so I gently cleaned them. As I did this, he kept staring at the ceiling. Then, I covered him with the blanket again.

I set the bowl aside and, after a moment of hesitation, sat next to him on the other pad, which covered the previous bloodstain.

"Maybe you’d like some broccoli soup? It’s still warm."

"Okay," he murmured quietly.

I brought the soup and scooped some onto a spoon, holding it to his lips.

To my amazement, he opened his mouth and let me feed him! I did it with a neutral expression so he wouldn’t feel like it was a burden for me or something weird.

Then, suddenly, I saw a single tear slip from the corner of his eye… The sight made me freeze.

But was it really so shocking to glimpse the vulnerable, human side beneath his prickly hedgehog mask? I already knew Soren wasn’t what he seemed on the surface.

He didn’t look at me even for a moment, and I didn’t know what to say. With a hesitant gesture, I lightly stroked his forearm. He didn’t react, so I took another spoonful. In silence, he let me feed him. I searched for the right words but found none, so when I finished giving him the soup, I lay down next to him and just hugged him.

Though I couldn’t express my sympathy with more elaborate words—since I knew he wasn’t ready to make space for real intimacy between us—I could only show it through my actions. My hands stroked him gently, soothingly, for a while as we lay there, and he seemed to appreciate it, turning slightly toward me and resting his head on my chest.

I could hear his breathing hitching, probably fighting back tears. Suddenly, he whispered,

"I hate my life."

I moved my hand up from his back to his head and began to stroke it gently as he spoke.

"Ever since my fiancé, Anton, left, everything in my life has gotten worse. Everything’s fallen apart. I hate every day, I hate people, I hate myself, the decisions I’ve made, my desperation, my stupidity. The only thing that comforts me is that when I finish school, I’ll have a job at DevApp. Besides that, there’s nothing that makes me want to get up in the morning. Because I know that even if there are good moments, I won’t be able to keep them forever."

I was stunned by what he said that he opened up so much to a stranger like me. But maybe I had a point earlier? Perhaps me—being a stranger—truly made it easier for him? I hugged himeven tighter and tenderly kissed his temple. He let me do that too.

SOREN

I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. I let him into my room, let him lie in my bed, wash me with warm water, even feed me!

He held me so lovingly, as if I were, in fact, his beloved. And now here I was, pouring out these pathetic confessions about my miserable life to him.

And to Skye, of all people, whom I'd avoided like the plague for so long.

I wanted him to leave, but at the same time, I desperately wanted him to stay. It was so disorienting. Why couldn't I stop craving his presence? His arms around me made me feel safe, like this was the best place in the world, existing just for me, at least right now.

His scent was soothing, his whole body warm and inviting. I cuddled into him, having a sense that when Skye held me, the pain in my lower abdomen eased, softened.

I couldn’t deny myself this, couldn’t give it up, not now, when I felt like a wreck.

---