Page 161 of Toxic

He sighed, irritated. "What’s the point? So you can listen to its heartbeat? Or so you can get attached to it?" Oh, how bitter he sounded, even though his reaction wasn’t surprising, still it somewhat hit me, so I closed my eyes, feeling strange.

"I just want to know it existed, even if it disappears quickly. I want that memory because it means something, right? Like a candle that burns out fast, but I’ll keep the memory alive. It’ll make it… more special, more real. It’ll bring it out of nothingness."

Soren cursed under his breath and stood up abruptly from the table.

"No! I won’t be tormented! I won’t be dragged into this again, these false hopes, these attempts to find meaning where there isn’t any. I just want to stop thinking about it. That’s all I want, Skye… for it to be already over!"

I watched him for a moment, almost physically sensing that he was trembling inside. But I also felt something else,something strange, very unexpected. Deep down, Soren wanted to bring that small life out of nothingness just as much as I did. Our odd quasi-telepathic connection told me that without a doubt. A part of him was aching for it to mean more than just… fleeting pain.

"You’ve been through this before, this loss, and you don’t want to go through it again. I respect that. But would you agree to go to the appointment with me? After the exam, you could leave and wait in the hallway while I talk to the doctor. You wouldn’t have to be involved. It would be just for me—"

"But why?!" he burst out. "Why do you want to stir this up? Why do you want to torture yourself? It doesn’t make sense. In another month, it’ll all be gone, vanished into the void…" His lips trembled.

I stared down at my plate, feeling a sharp pain in my heart. At that moment, I knew he felt it too. Whatever this bond between us was, it seemed to be growing stronger, working both ways—connecting us tightly. Now every intense emotion could be felt vividly and clearly.

Soren stared at me for a long time, struggling with it. Then he walked over to the window and looked out. The city was already glittering with evening lights, a soft glow painted across the gray sky, distant and elusive.

"Ugh, here I am, being a selfish bitch again. I guess you have a right to experience your share of the loss, too." He sighed, resigned. "Fine, I agree. We can go to the appointment. I’ll let the doctor examine me, then I’ll leave and wait in the hallway. "

"Thank you," I whispered, lowering my head.

"Well, out of all the things you’ve asked of me, this is definitely one of those you should thank me for. It’s a big sacrifice on my part," he said coldly.

"That’s why I’m thanking you. I really appreciate it. I know how much it costs you."

He looked out the window for a moment, then said quietly, "Now, take me to bed. I want to forget. I don’t want to think."

So, I did what he asked.

***

Two days later, we went to the doctor, who happened to be Finn Delgado’s brother—yep, the same Finn, Winter’s ex. Jim Delgado was an omega, which was one of the reasons I wanted him to be the one to examine Soren. From what I’d heard, Soren’s previous doctor was a beta.

Before the appointment, I called Jim and explained the arrangement we wanted for the visit. I also briefly told him about Soren’s history of miscarriages. Jim expressed his sympathy, said he understood, and promised to accommodate us. He assured me that he’d conduct the examination without any unnecessary comments, and that Soren could leave and wait in the hallway afterward.

When we arrived at the clinic, I could tell Soren was nervous. I took his hand and held it the whole time. He sat there, staring at the opposite wall, his body tense. Then the receptionist called us in, and we went into the office.

Jim stood up from behind his desk and came over to greet us.

"Soren, this is Dr. Jim Delgado. He's a family friend," I said, a little vaguely. "Jim, this is Soren Einarson, my boyfriend," I introduced him that way, even though Soren and I had never officially used that term between us. Soren didn’t object and lay down on the exam table as Dr. Jim instructed.

But then Jim said, "I’d prefer not to do the exam through the abdominal wall. It would be more accurate to do it transrectally."

Soren got up and went behind the privacy screen. A moment later, he came out, dressed in a special examination gown.

Jim gestured for him to lie down again. I could see the tension in Soren’s body—he was very pale. I moved to the other side of the exam table and held his hand, which was cold and clammy. Soren didn’t look at the ultrasound screen, and honestly, it didn’t make much sense to me either. I saw a dark spot that seemed to catch Jim’s attention, but I didn’t understand the rest. Jim was also measuring the size of Soren’s uterus and checking a few other things, but I had no experience with this kind of exam, so I just ignored the screen.

Dr. Jim then pulled out a small device, similar to one used to check blood sugar levels. "Do you mind if I take a small blood sample?" he asked.

Soren silently extended his hand, and the doctor pricked his finger. "Thank you, that’s all," Dr. Delgado said with a kind smile.

Soren didn’t reply. He just went behind the screen to change back into his clothes. After a moment, he said to me in a grim tone, "I’ll be waiting in the hallway," and headed out of the room.

Jim and I were left alone. He invited me to sit in the chair by his desk, and after typing something on his keyboard for a while, he said, "I’m going to take a closer look at the ultrasound images from Soren’s previous appointments. If you don’t mind."

"Of course, I’ll wait," I murmured.

For a few minutes, Dr. Delgado carefully studied the images and the accompanying notes from Soren’s previous doctor. Then he went over to the machine where he’d placed the blood sample earlier, printed a small piece of paper, and returned to his desk.

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