Page 157 of Toxic

Silence. I put the call on the speaker just to make sure he hadn’t hung up. My throat tightened painfully, and I tried to clear it.

"I don’t even know what to say. I don’t have any excuses—I'm a mess. I hurt people, that’s what I do. What’s the point in apologizing? It wouldn’t mean anything. I’ve been a terrible friend to you, Liam. I don’t know how to fix it—"

"You could come back to me."

"Liam… I can’t. It’s not that simple anymore. There’s something I never told you, something I haven’t told Skye either, treating him coldly all the time, it’s something I don’t even want to admit to myself. I let it happen again, just like it did with Anton. God, I’m so silly."

"You love him."

I let out a noise—half snort, half sob. How did he figure it out so easily?

Then I laughed, but it came out more like a painful whimper. "Yeah, something like that. I bet he didn’t even suspect it, since I can barely allow myself to admit it. I have a strange way of showing it to him; it probably looks more like hate than love. But… I remember the day I miscarried, and he was there for me, took care of me like nobody else ever had—not even Anton. And from that moment—"

Liam huffed, clearly annoyed. "I would’ve done that for you, but you never let me."

"I know, Liam. I know you would’ve. You’ve shown me a hundred times in other ways. But when I was lying there, in pain, and he held me… even though it wasn’t his kid, even though I kept pushing him away… he never made me feel like I was less than him, some worthless escort. I think that’s when it happened, when I started feeling something for him, and no matter how hard I try to suppress it, it’s never gone away."

Another huff. "He was just trying to get in your pants, Soren. Don’t make it more than that."

This argument again… I sighed. "I don’t think so. There’s something about him, Liam. I can’t explain it. It’s almost like I can feel him, like we’re connected somehow. I have a window into his soul, and I know that his feelings are genuine."

"What do you mean by 'feel'? Like you know what he’s thinking?"

"I know it sounds crazy, but yeah, kind of. It’s like this weird connection, almost… I don’t know, semi-telepathic or something."

He laughed, it came out as a harsh, scornful sound. "Have you been taking something, Soren?"

"I knew you’d react like that, but it’s real. I feel what he feels. That’s why I couldn’t say no when he asked me to move in. I knew if I didn’t, I’d lose him forever. He was serious, I literally read his mind. He was leaving, and I couldn’t let that happen."

"Maybe it wouldn’t have been the worst thing," Liam muttered. "You could’ve gotten over him."

"Oh, like I got over him after graduation?" My voice rose in frustration. "I felt the same way the day I saw him at DevApp as I did the day I left him. The same. I spent two months in bed, curled up in pain, and it never went away. I just got better at hiding it so you wouldn’t pity me. Do you have any idea how hard I tried to convince myself I was over him? But when I saw him again, I literally fainted, Liam. I passed out. My body went into shock!"

"This all sounds like you think you two are True Mates, Soren. Aren’t you just making that up to give yourself a plausible excuse to pursue him—or to justify all the shitty things you’re doing?" The bitterness in his voice said it all. He hated every explanation I gave because it was pushing us further apart.

The feeling of defeat began to grow. I couldn’t explain it well enough; it would always sound silly to him. "I didn't say that, Liam." I sighed. "Maybe I’m just attached to him because he’s hot and caring and, yeah, he wants me. Perhaps it’s my ego that’s hooked on him because he needs me so much, but—"

"I think you've built this whole thing up in your head, making it more than it is. Because you know that betas get abandoned in relationships with alphas, so you came up with this TM bullshit as an answer. Tada, all problems solved. Be realistic, Soren!"

"Liam, I'm not saying we're TMs, just that something weird is going on! And I know it’s insane to jump into the same situation again, with the same probable result. That was the reason I told you we’d try, because I didn’t want to repeat my past. I was desperate to avoid alphas—"

"And what happened? You forgot about it the moment he gave you a good fuck."

"Good fuck? That’s not it, Liam, you don’t get it! We didn’t even sleep together until that programming course trip, but I was still hung up on him! I couldn’t stop thinking about him. So, it wasn’t about the sex!"

Liam was silent for a moment. Then he spoke, almost calmly this time.

"You’ve clearly thought this through. You’ve got an answer for everything. But do you ever think about how I feel? You promised you’d give us a chance. You told me that."

"I do think about it. I really wanted to try, Liam. This whole moving out was my panic move, not something deliberate to hurt you. He threatened that if I didn’t, he’d leave the company, and that would’ve been the end of us."

"So, he blackmailed you? Peachy. Why didn’t you let him leave?"

My head was killing me. "You still don’t get it, you just don’t hear me. I know what it’s like to lose him. Last week was torture. I barely made it through those two months before, but after we slept together… it got even worse. You saw me; I was a wreck. You can’t imagine what that’s like."

Liam’s voice became shaky, breaking slightly. "Well, now I do, Soren. Because I love you. I love you so much, I’d accept anything—even sharing you."

I shut my eyes tight. "Stop. That’s not what he wants, Liam. He said he wouldn’t settle for leftovers, scraps from my table… He wants all of me, an exclusive claim."

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