Page 149 of Toxic

Soren’s natural scent of dahlia and mint seemed to have changed a bit. There were not one but two additional flavors present; however, I just ignored it. Mostly.

I buried myself in work, in coding, shutting out everything I could just to get through another day. Wednesday came and went, then Thursday—almost a full week since the last time I held him in my arms…

He was apparently doing the exact same thing I was—avoiding looking at me, avoiding any interaction with me, working, working. Just like before, before we slept together, he returned to the habit of going to lunch with Liam, and both of them ignored me.

Pathetic. Unhealthy. Our situationship was so fucked up.

Since Wednesday morning, I have had this new stream of thoughts.

A suspicion that maybe Soren's doubts about whether we were True Mates were, paradoxically, justified!

Perhaps we weren’t that compatible after all? I never heard of such a crazy push and pull between any True Mates. I even did some digging on the internet, and most stories about meeting TMs were very uplifting. Some had bumps along the way, but almost NINE months of struggles? Not a single story.

My inner dialogues and arguments seemed never-ending.

Could it merely be just some strange obsession I’d developed because he kept resisting me? I’d heard of such cases—the more someone runs away, the quicker you want to chase them, to capture what doesn’t want to be caught.

Was I one of those cases? But what about that electric orgasm we shared? Let’s be honest, could you quantifysomething like that? Could you compare one orgasm to another? I was drunk, let's not forget that. I probably imagined it. Maybe I had just waited so long to finally sleep with him that I’d blown it all out of proportion?

Now, Soren’s behavior and his clear rejection were only adding to my doubts and frustration, beneath which I was hiding my overwhelming pain. Partially I was aware that my mind, trying to protect itself, started rationalizing what we had, convincing me it was just some pitiful cat-and-mouse obsession, nothing real.

But no matter how much I tried to rationalize, and be angry at him, the pain just kept growing! Every day. So much worse and faster than after graduation.

Caught in this loop of my own personal hell, I couldn’t find a way out.

***

By Thursday, I was in really bad shape. I felt like I had a constant low-grade fever, with waves of hot and cold crashing over me. I was so desperate that, against my better judgment, I lifted the ban on watching Soren. I looked up, and found myself staring at him again. He was sitting at his desk, looking pale and out of it. He absentmindedly nudged his lip ring with his tongue, and I was hypnotized by this for a while.

And my mind started slipping. I started imagining us together again, wrapped up in each other, joined as one. All I had to do was close my eyes for a second, and I could feel him with every fiber of my being. When we were connected, his emotions;I saw the split in him—the desperate desire to be with me, and the fear and resistance that kept winning out.

What could I do to stop this suffering? The only thing I could do was… let him go! Yes. I couldn’t solve his dilemma. There was no way to force him to feel the same way or change his priorities.

At some point, the doubts regarding us being TMs intensified, growing more and more—should I continue to pursue him, exposing myself to constant rejection? How long could I really take it? With his mindset, we were doomed from the start anyway.

Friday was hellish.

The struggle hit me hard the second I woke up. I didn’t even know how I got into the company building. Forcing myself to look away from him was torture. My head was pounding, and I could barely work, so I got up and left the room maybe an hour after I arrived. Feeling Soren’s eyes on me, I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face.

Then I stared at myself in the mirror.

What was I supposed to do now? Should I wait for this ‘Pull’(if that was it?) to wear him down, to the point where he'd finally come to me? The tragic truth was that Soren would never come to me on his own. He didn’t love me—it was just chemistry. So even if he did, would it feel real, knowing it was the Pull dragging him back, not his true feelings?

The realization was brutal.

My eyes suddenly welled up. I wanted to sob, to wail, but I forced myself to stop. Enough crying. The romantic part of me still believed there might be a chance for us, but at the same time, I felt this weird sense of resignation, like I was finally surrendering to the impossibility of it all.

The conclusion came to me in silence. There was no happy ending for us.

What I needed to do was disappear from Soren’s life permanently—to free both of us from this misery. For the first time, that thought settled firmly in my mind as I reached my breaking point. The pain was just too much.

It was impossible that we were True Mates! My real True Mate would never treat me like this, reject me, push me, or make me suffer.

It was all one big mistake.

I needed to correct it.

And at that exact moment, I made the decision to move on… the door slammed behind me.

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