Page 123 of Toxic

Really—best friends, not just friends. I knew him so well, knew his family. I held him in my arms when his parents died in a plane crash, and he sobbed for days. I was by his side when his grandpa had a stroke. When he received the news from the notary that his trust fund wouldn’t be available until he turned twenty-five, and there was nothing he could do to access it earlier—leaving him penniless, with no way to support himself or his grandpa—I was there too. Liam struggled for years, working two jobs while studying. He rented out his parents' apartment and used the money to make sure his grandpa received good care in a respectable nursing home, leaving nothing for himself. I understood him, as I was also struggling to support my dad, who was disabled and in constant pain.

We went through hell and back together, so my word to him wasn’t given lightly. I truly wanted to give Liam what he so desperately desired—but in the process, I doomed myself to a life of lies, celibacy, constant remorse, guilt, and unhappiness.

***

The next day, Liam was even sweeter and more affectionate. In the morning, he made me pancakes with strawberries, bananas, and blueberries—my favorite—drizzled with honey. As I entered the kitchen, looking like a ghostly creature that had just crawled from the grave, he welcomed me with a sunny smile.

My face was frozen in a permanent unhappy grimace, but I made a superhuman effort to move my stiff facial muscles and tried to smile. I hated how ungrateful I was, how I treated him, how I didn't appreciate Liam. Instead, a treacherous part of me constantly dreamed of feeling Skye's presence near me, and also… his body on me, pushing into my hole. Yep.

Can you turn back a river?

My heart was like a river, flowing in only one direction, toward its own demise. That much was certain. Like a moth to a flame—so foolishly, hopelessly, irrationally. My mind was filled with Skye, but… I lived with another man.

The day at work started like any other, yet it felt so different. Skye must have read all my emails by now. He knew about my struggles, knew how I felt during that first month after our breakup. He’d read every word full of confessions, pleas, and begging… Now he knew I shared his feelings. So many emails couldn’t lie.

When I walked into our office, he was sitting there, staring at his screen. I could see the tension in his muscular shoulders,the dark strands of his chestnut slash dark red hair falling over his perfectly shaped but pale cheeks. My God, did he have to be so beautiful? His eyelashes were so dark and thick, his lips full and sensual, his features manly. Everything about him screamed at me, demanding that I reach out for him. And I could, or… could I really?

Around 10:00 am, I realized I needed some air—or maybe just to stretch my legs. So I walked out into the hallway and, after a moment of hesitation, headed toward the restroom. There was a large window in there, and I went over to it, staring out at the world surrounding our skyscraper, now slightly gray because of the drizzly rain.

I got lost in the soothing sight of millions of water droplets falling on the bustling city below. Everything seemed so simple—the opposite of my own life. Pale clouds rolled over the skyscraper as I stood there, staring and staring, while the rain quietly whispered outside the window.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps behind me. I knew right away who it was and slowly turned to meet his gaze.

"I asked you back then, Soren, to give me a chance. Then you asked me, and now here we are, full circle. Please, break the loop. Let's try to be together. I know that you still have feelings for me."

I shivered slightly as his piercing eyes locked onto mine, like I was the center of his universe.

"Skye, I’m with Liam now. I couldn’t do that to him. He’s a good person, and he loves me so much… Would you really want me to be that cruel? He is doing everything humanly possible to make our relationship work. I can't break his heart."

"One of us will always end up with a broken heart… in any situation, in any arrangement, in any constellation."

I looked at him, trembling all over. "What do you expect from me? What do you want? I can’t be with you. I’m not amonster. I broke your heart; now I’m supposed to go break another person’s heart? Leave destruction in my wake, just to reach… an uncertain goal? And we won’t work out anyway, Skye! Not in the long run!"

"We won’t? If you truly believe that, why did you even write all those emails?"

The silence was deafening. Then I lowered my head and admitted, "Because my heart wants one thing and my mind wants another. It was this one month when my heart won."

Skye was silent for a while. His eyes slowly moved over my face as if deep in thought, then he took a deep breath.

"So, there’s no chance for us? Not now, not ever?"

I tried to take a breath too, but I couldn’t. My lungs only expanded halfway. I nearly groaned in pain and whispered, "I don’t know. But I know that right now, there’s no good solution for this."

"So I’ll wait. I’ll wait until your relationship with Liam runs its course and maybe, at some point, naturally ends. And maybe then you’ll give us a chance."

I stayed silent, feeling as if each of his words was like sharp icicles slicing through my skin, leaving cold, long lines. Something inside me was dying, something was crumbling.

Were we losing each other again?

"I’m sorry. This is all I can give you for now, Skye. Just waiting."

"Can I ask for one thing?"

"For what?" I whispered, closing my eyes.

"Something I’ve always dreamed of, but it never happened between us."

"What is it?" My whisper was barely audible.

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