Page 97 of Toxic

Yeah, I’ll admit it. All my life, I’d watched it and been jealous of it. But I brushed it off because I was used to that feeling. This time, though, it majorly pissed me off.

Sometimes, I couldn’t stand their happiness, so I’d lock myself in my room or swim in the lake for hours, floating on my back, staring at the sky, trying to escape the constant pain that never left me.

Days blurred together.

The only news more stirring during those weeks was about my cousin Gabriel being arrested for his involvement in a violent incident organized by his eco-club. Apparently, they had planned an operation at one of Malden Pharmaceuticals’ facilities, intending to set a lab on fire. However, they hadn’t realized some cleaning staff were still inside, and their lives were put in danger. My uncle Van was understandably upset and called my father, saying Gabriel was being scapegoated by his club members and was now in serious trouble.

My parents debated how best to help him and eventually decided to call Winter, whose CEO was… the older brother of the CEO of Malden Pharmaceuticals, to see if he could reach the man and ask for a reduction or dismissal of the charges or to negotiate a settlement agreement. But in the end, I didn’t find out what happened—I’d simply forgotten to ask. I was too absorbed in my own suffering and anger, swimming mindlessly in the lake, trying to forget, just… drifting in my depression, not caring about anyone else.

Besides that, all I did was take on assignments from Nathaniel, one after another. Other than that, I was numbing myself daily.

The only human I’d see was Snow, from time to time, but we didn’t exchange a single word.

My brother was a weirdo. Even though he was over thirty, he lived in the basement and seemingly didn’t have a romantic life. Snow hardly ever spoke. He’d been like that since childhood. It wasn’t that he couldn’t speak—he just didn’t like it. My father thought he might be on the autism spectrum, butthe doctors never confirmed it. When tested, he could behave totally normal! Over the years, Snow’s behavior changed even more. His social isolation got worse. He finished school through homeschooling because of bullies, and he completed his music composition degree online. Officially, he was a teacher, giving private lessons on various instruments, both in person and online. Mainly, though, he composed music he never published. I sometimes wondered how he could even connect with his students, but apparently, he managed to muster up just enough to keep working like that.

Because he was so unobtrusive, his presence didn’t bother me. Occasionally, when I was working on my laptop on the porch, he’d come out of the basement, sit next to me, and play his harmonica. His quiet company was a harmless part of my life, and that’s how we coexisted in this weird, silent symbiosis.

***

During the first few weeks of my stay at my parents’ house, I was mostly angry. Really angry and bitter. Hating and cursing Soren, feeling disappointed in my own judgment and naivety. But with time, my approach somewhat changed.

As days passed, I started to realize I couldn’t keep up that kind of defense mechanism anymore. It was draining me. So, I began to reprogram my mind, cautiously letting myself feel what was really inside.

And I had results. What resurfaced was… pure, naked pain.

At first, I couldn’t quite figure out what this pain was about. Initially, I thought it was just the hurt of being so brutally dumped. But then, with each passing week, something started to dawn on me, lingering at the edge of my consciousness. It waspushing its way through, demanding to be seen and understood. And eventually, one day, I realized what my main problem was.

I missed Soren.

I missed the fucker so damn much!

The revelation hit me like an unrelenting wave. I wanted nothing more than to see him one more time. Yeah, it was pathetically hopeless. I knew I was probably an idiot.

He'd most likely moved on with his life, forgotten all about me. So many days had passed, but I still hadn't moved an inch. Didn't heal. Nothing had changed since that damn night he pushed me away. I felt like I’d been ripped in two, with one half of me dead, blackened, and sick, still dragging down the other half that was just pure willpower, pride, and the desire to break free from the pain.

That split inside me was still present. I couldn’t find my way in life anymore because Soren wasn't a part of it.

By this time, Nathaniel had hired me basically full-time at my request because I kept asking for more work. I threw myself into the grind of his startup company. Of course, I worked online because I had no intention of moving to the city where I might be tempted… to see Soren. My parents lived in a small town that fluidly merged with the city suburbs, about an hour and a half from downtown and the DevApp headquarters.

For now, I preferred to stay home, staring at long lines of code, piecing them together, expanding them, and figuring out how to make them more efficient.

It helped dull the pain a little, but… it never fully went away. I became even more aware of it, strangely enough, from the moment I realized what the pain really was: longing.

My heart ached every day when I opened my eyes in the morning and when I went to bed at night. I was suffering—suffering horribly. Each hour felt like a frame cut from an unending nightmare. Not particularly intense, but so drawn outthat those emotions stretched, digging their little claws into my mind, tearing it open every single day. It was sick. It wouldn’t go away. It just wouldn’t. It stayed. Permanent. Persistent.

And I was sick of it.

When 60 days had passed since Soren pushed me away, I reached some kind of breaking point. The longing outweighed the pain and the sense of being wronged.

I realized I was getting to a place where I’d do anything… to see him just one more time.

I needed it to keep on living. To see Soren.

That day, for the first time in ages, I logged into my social media. In my Instagram inbox, there was a message from some unknown person.

"Hey, it’s Josh. Sorry for reaching out so late, but I’ve been crazy busy and didn’t have time to go through the stuff I recorded on my camera. I finally got around to sorting through it, and I thought you guys might like to see these photos—they turned out really cool…"

The link he sent led to a folder of our photos. Josh had edited them, and they looked amazing. I actually gaped, seeing how good Soren and I looked together. A dream couple. It took my breath away.

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