Vinny at least tries his best to try and make me feel comfortable in his presence. I appreciate the attention to setting out my prenatal vitamins, or making sure to cut my food into small squares. The funny part is watching Vinny and Nick butt heads every now and then when it comes to taking care of me. Even then, Nick knows to cool it when it comes to Vinny. Vinny may not be a favorite right now, but he’s still the father of my kids.
“He’s overstaying his welcome,” Nick said after Vinny served me coffee.
I started to yell at Nick’s complaints when Dr. Carmy reminded him: “The kid killed his family for Rosa, he isn’t going anywhere, anytime soon. Suck it up.” After Nick sulked off, Vinny resurfaced from the pantry.
“Let’s sit outside for a bit,” he suggests. I follow him outside and we set up fold-out chairs.
“I know this isn’t what you had in mind when you thought about having kids,” Vinny says after a while. The safe house has an open area for us to sit underneath and listen to the cars and trains that go by. It’s eerie to know that life is happening above us.
“If I’m being honest, I didn’t even think I would be a mother in this lifetime,” I admit as I lean back in the chair. I did not expect myself to get pregnant by a criminal, yet here we stand.
Vinny shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “That makes two of us. I saw how things were with my dad and his dad, and I figured that not having kids was one less problem.”
I glance at Vinny, noticing the beard on his face. He looks the same, but a lot more grown up. Obviously, his features didn’t change in the last few months that we weren’t together; but I see a maturity that wasn’t there before.
“Are you scared to be a dad?” I ask. I hold my breath as Vinny takes a moment to think about the question. Eventually, he looks back over at me as a smile stretches across his face.
“I don’t want to sound like some corny dude trying to impress you, but knowing that I’m having kids gives me another reason to try and fight and be in this life,” Vinny says. “I used to look up to both my dad and my grandfather, but I feel like they both gave up. My grandfather has no issue staying in Mexico, pretending that he has no family over here. And obviously, my dad was ready to kill me for not being who he needed me to be.”
Sadness takes over Vinny’s face. We never fully talked about the relationship between him and his father. There’s a lot that I don’t understand about him, but the longer I listen to him talking about his fragmented family, the more I understand that it weighs heavily on him.
“I never cared about the impact of my bloodline until now,” he continues. Vinny reaches his hand over and takes mine, swiping his thumb over my palm. “I don’t want my kids to be anything like me or the men who walked before me.”
“I just want to be safe,” I reply.
Vinny squeezes my hand, nodding his head. “ I’m gonna do everything in my power to make sure that we’re safe. I’m going to give us a great life.”
He pauses, adding slowly, “ I love you, Rosa. I’m so sorry for hurting you.”
It’s a stab in the chest. The love that I have for Vinny is different now. I’m not in love with him at the moment, mainly because I can’t trust him anymore. But I will always have love for him deep down inside my heart.
“Vinny,” I start to say, but he moves closer to me, immediately taking me into his lap and wrapping his arms around me.
“I was a terrible guy before. I didn’t make you feel good about anything and I’m so sorry about that. But I’m different now. I understand who I need to be in this life and I just need you to believe that I can commit to that,” he whispers into my ear. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to imagine that we’re on vacation and sitting on the beach.
I think back to when we got coffee that day and the way his kisses made me feel like I was in a movie. But when I open my eyes and see the darkness of the safe house behind us, I remember that we’re nowhere glamorous. Because of both of our families’ decisions, we’re on the brink of death. I move his hands away from my waist and stand up.
“We can’t be together,” I say quickly, my head hung low.
“What about the other night? What about when we made love and I held you and we kissed and it was like no time had passed between us?” Vinny asks.
I turn my back to him. “ I told you how I felt right after. Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”
Vinny stares straight ahead with his jaw clenched. “You have every right, I suppose.” I know Vinny is hurt but I have to stand my ground. The future is too hazy for me to make him any promises.
Nick comes out of the front door and stops, likely sensing our tension.
“Can I help you?” Vinny asks abrasively. Nick starts to turn back inside but pauses, his jaw clenched.
“It’s none of my business—”
Vinny moves closer, his fists balled up. “You’re right. It's none of your business.”
Nick ignores Vinny, focusing on me. “But you two have bigger things to sort out. Like having these kids safely and giving them a decent life.” Nick exhales, awkwardly avoiding both of our gazes.
“We all know better than anyone how shitty childhoods affect people,” he adds.
Vinny starts to say more but I cut in. “Thanks, Nick. We know.” Every word is a betrayal to Vinny at this point. I feel like a jerk but the best I can do is walk past both of them and hope tomorrow will be better.