Page 41 of Where You Are

On the way to the airport, I made up the most heinous lie of a job opportunity that I couldn’t pass up, calling my sister and feeding it to her as the plane boarded so she wouldn’t have time to talk me out of it.

As for Matt… I hate myself every day for being too much of a coward to call him. Hearing his voice uttering a single word would have stopped me from getting on the plane. I just plain wouldn’t have boarded. And then disaster would have rained down with me standing by like a selfish shit that didn’t want to give up the love of a lifetime to prevent it. I don’t doubt that Anthony would know the second I left the airport, and then he’d pull the trigger on his disgusting scheme. So, with my heart rapidly cracking and shattering, I threw my phone into the trash and boarded the plane.

I didn’t have much time to deliberate on where to go, so I decided on one place I loved, was somewhat familiar with, and where I knew at least one face. Sasha became a good friend when I was here before. When I landed and reached out to her, there was no escaping her Thai hospitality. She insisted I stay with her, and I felt too weak and lonely to protest. It’s been a good thing. Sasha’s been watching over me, force feeding me green tea protein smoothies when she catches me eating like a bird, and makes me do yoga with her every day.

My heart feels like it’s trying to crawl out of my body, trying to escape the pain. But instead, it sits helplessly in my chest, pounding out a sad and scared beat.

I just hope one day I’ll get to tell him. He won’t forgive me, at least not enough to want to be with me again, but I still hope to tell him that what we had was special, and had nothing to do with this. That though it may seem like it, I didn’t throw us away. There’s nothing I want more in this one of many painful moments, than to be held in his arms.

When the dwelling gets to be too much, and I finally accept that today is not the day that the ocean will make me happy and comfort me again, I stand up and dust the sand off my shorts. I turn and make my way back to Sasha’s house. Another thing that’s changed: my morning runs have turned into long, aimless walks.

“Enough with the sadness,” Sasha gently lectures as I come in through the front door.

“It’s only been a month,” I argue quietly as I make my way to the fridge in search of a bottle of water. Sasha doesn’t know everything. She’d go nuts trying to get me to go back and stand up to Anthony, not realizing what he holds over me, and she’d be a dog with a bone about it. As far as she knows, I went through a breakup and I’m here to hit the reset button, which isn’t completely false.

“One month you spend moping over something that lasted only three month,” she points out with her charmingly broken English. She notoriously leaves the ‘s’ off the end of any word that would normally have it. “It time to start moving forward. Come, sit,” she beckons me over to the table where she is seated with her laptop and some papers in front of her.

I pull out a chair and take a seat. I don’t have the bandwidth to argue with anyone, and while I may not feel like listening to a lecture orgo get ‘emspeech, she’s always got something nice and insightful to say, and she’s one of the smartest people I know. I look at her across the table and note that she’s in her workout clothes, her black hair is in a knot with a headband, and her face is slightly flushed which tells me she’s probably just gotten back from a hot yoga session.

“I have idea,” she says, starting right in. “A new resort has just gone up on Bali and some of it surrounding island. Fancy, sort of like chain. They all built but not open yet; they hiring. I apply for job as yoga instructor, and they hire me over the phone.”

My mouth drops open.

“Sash, that’s amazing!” I exclaim, mustering up a smile for her. “That sounds incredible!”

I’m happy for her, and it sounds like a great opportunity. But it also means I probably have to figure out my next move here pretty quick. I wonder if she’d let me stay here while she’s in Bali. I’ve still been working from my laptop and bringing in income, but she’s refused to let me pay any rent.

“You come with me,” she adds, not blinking an eye.

I freeze.

“What do you mean?” I ask, scrunching my forehead with the water bottle halfway to my lips.

“I tell them all about you and sent them example of your work. They need help with design for their brochure, logo for restaurant, spa, activity, all that,” she says, taking a drink of her own water and waving a hand in the air like this is a no-brainer. “They are interested and will call to talk with you later to make it official.”

“Whooaa!” I say, with more enthusiasm than I’ve used in the last month. But seriously, she needs to back it up here. “You told them about me, and they want me to work for them? You’re saying I should go to Bali with you?”

“Or one of their surrounding island,” she shrugs with her statement. “They not tell me which location yet. But they have nice room for staff on-site. We go, stay there, work, enjoy new place.”

I let out a sigh as I consider all this that she has seemingly pulled out of her ass. There was no mention of it last night, or this morning before I left on my walk.

“I don’t know Sash,” I tell her. I was thinking of going someplace without so much sunshine and away from the ocean. I came here hoping it would all help me cope, but all it seems to do is magnify how dark I feel inside.

“What else you going to do? You think warm weather and sun are not helping, so what, you going to go live in dark forest or basement? That will help you?” she challenges. I let her words set in for a moment. When she puts it that way, it does seem a little ridiculous. These things that normally bring me happiness aren’t helping, but neither will shutting them out. And I probably haven’t felt any better because I haven’t even wanted to try. I don’t see myself feeling happy again anytime soon with how badly I miss home. But perhaps I don’t have to be so damn miserable.

“We don’t leave for another four week. Think about it,” Sasha says gently with compassionate warmth in her eyes. “Okay?”

I give her a subtle nod.

“Okay,” I assure her, my voice quiet as she gets up to head for the shower, leaving me to my thoughts.

MATT

I stomp up the steps onto the bus. Normally, I get excited about a tour, even if we’re hitting all the same cities we have before; it’s always been like an adventure. Now? I couldn’t be any more indifferent towards the concept.

I find my bunk and toss my duffle in it before attempting to go through the motions, joining the rest of the guys in the lounge area. They immediately kick back when the bus heads out on the road, falling into easy conversation with carefree smiles. I try to follow suit but it’s just not feeling natural.

We spent the last two weeks at home doing daily rehearsals before we flew out and kicked off the tour here for two nights. Now, the morning after the second show, we’re officially on the road and headed down to Seattle.

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