Page 65 of Where You Are

He scoffs and shakes his head.

“Maybe you think I don’t deserve to be heard out, so if you’re not going to listen, then you should go.”

He continues to stand, rooted to the spot. There’s a world of pain residing in his eyes, and I can see the depth of his wall fading ever so slightly in front of me.

My heart feels torn in half to realize he still has feelings for me, but that it isn’t what it was before. I wasn’t foolish enough to think it would be. Even so, my heart is barely standing at this point, and this is delivering a cold, harsh blow it can’t handle. I have a long road to go before it is strong again. One I can’t take the first steps on until Matt and I get out of this stalemate.

“Get out,” I choke out, my voice thick with tears. His eyes mist over and he squeezes them shut against the moisture, but he doesn’t move. I’m breaking down and running on fumes now, but I fight off a sob and draw in a desperate breath for a last-ditch effort.

“GET OUT!” I shout through my tears.

My outburst is enough to jar Matt just enough for his head to tilt back, and finally he turns and jerks open the door, letting it slam shut behind him.

Iwait through the ten longest minutes of my life, hopefully giving Matt enough time to make himself scarce before I walk out of the pool house towards the street. Once my feet hit the sidewalk, instead of a steady run, I break out into a full-on sprint, tearing as fast as I can down the street. I imagine myself running from my demons, trying to get as far away from the last year as I can. I try to escape my feelings, my tears, and imagine myself running them out of me.

I keep going until my body involuntarily slows, then stops. With my hands on my knees, I try to pull some cold December air into my burning lungs. I’m gasping and coughing, but it was therapeutic and freeing. My heartache is still prominent, but the need to replenish oxygen in my body is a damn good distraction.

When I feel able, I start walking, just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and covering the desired distance that I had originally planned to run. I feel drained and empty, not to mention sick to my stomach as I wrap my arms around myself, trying to ward off the pain along with my loneliness.

I don’t get very far before I decide that today’s run is a lost cause and start to head home. I’m just coming to the edge of the rural area that borders Sarah’s neighborhood when I glance over at a small convenience store, wondering if I need anything. I decide against it and keep walking until I catch movement out of the corner of my eye. I look back to the store and see something black and furry milling by the curb. It’s a tiny animal of some kind, but from this distance it’s nondescript. Because of an intrinsic need I’ve always had to investigate when I see a stray animal somewhere out of place, I walk towards it. My mind takes a mental note of the fact that this is providing a small distraction to the shit pile that is my day.

As I approach, I see it’s a little dog, probably no more than eight pounds, although I couldn’t begin to tell you what breed. But I can tell by the lack of collar and the fact that the poor thing is trying to drink from the puddles that it’s a stray. I squat down to its level and hold my hand out for it to sniff. It looks up, and holy shit, is he or she ugly. But in a cute way. It’s got giant eyes like a pug, but its body is more like that of a terrier. It gives my hand a lick, deciding I’m okay and comes closer, but gives me a blank expression. Not much of a personality on this thing, but oh well. I don’t even give it a thought as I scoop it up and continue walking.

I seem to have found a creature that looks as well off as I do, and I don’t have any mental or emotional stamina left to reasonably think this thing through.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Matt

After another fiveweeks back on the road, it’s early February and this shit-storm of a tour is finally concluding. While I haven’t spiraled again, that encounter with Melanie during the holiday break sure as hell has tied me into knots, and made me not the most jovial of personalities to be around.

My emotions have never been so confused in my life. I hate that after a year, I’m still not over her and what she did. I’m frustrated as all hell at the fact that I still love her like I do. But most of all, I fucking hate myself for the way I treated her, whether she deserved it or not. I can’t stand that I acted that way towards someone I love.

I should have heard her out. After all, the urge to know why she left has been rubbing me raw this entire time, but I can’t come up with any reason on this planet that would justify her abandoning what we had, and everyone else in her world right along with it. The only possibilities that cycled through my head were an opportunity that she selfishly felt she needed to take, another man, or just plain being scared of the direction we were heading. Not one of those would have made me feel better about us being so happy together one moment, and then her ghosting me the next. And hearing her say the words would’ve infuriated me beyond what I already was, impossible as it may seem.

I step into my house and let out a sigh that doesn’t bring the expected relief. Seems the pissy, confused, mopey grey cloud followed me home. I know there’s only one way to get rid of it.

MELANIE

The New Year came and went, taking the guys back out on the road to finish up the last few weeks of the tour. In a lot of ways, it’s been good to have them away while I work on myself and rebuild the strength I’m going to need when they come back. The knowledge that I have to step up and tell Mayzie and Jack looms over me the entire time they are gone, but I do my best to not let it hinder my spiritual recovery.

Meeting Steve has given me an unbelievable boost. While I didn’t expect him to come into my life, him moving in has been so good for me. Calm down. Steve is the little shaggy black dog I found on my fateful run back in December. The little thing has zero personality, and when he’s not sleeping, he walks around aimlessly and stares at me weird. But it’s nice having something living and breathing curled up on my bed, making the nights less lonely.

Soon after the tour resumed, Sarah gave birth to Isabel and Isaiah, two adorable little babies. I got to be there for a lot of the laboring process, but made my exit when things got real and her head started rotating around. Not that it helped any. I could still hear Sarah from the waiting room, calling Mike every colorful name in the book between horror movie-worthy screams.

When the twins were able to come home, I threw myself into helping out. I bonded to my niece and nephew quicker than you can blink. Even though Sarah has been losing her shit on a daily basis, the joy of caring for them and cuddling them close while knowing I don’t have to go anywhere again has been putting things into perspective for me. It’s been reminding me of the plans I had to finally stay where I am and start a family. And while right now I can’t even fathom the idea of connecting with someone that would hopefully lead to that, I’ve come to realize that life follows its own plans, and that this is something I’m willing and ready to do on my own. And so, when I’m not getting practice in with the twins, I’ve been taking fostering classes in the hopes of one day adopting a child to love that needs it so badly.

For the first time in over a year, I’m hopeful for the future. The point of life is to move forward along with it, and I finally feel like I am, instead of being dragged. I’m proud of my past accomplishments, but I’m happy to be making more of myself and refilling my cup again.

The worst of what happened is behind me, and in a few days, the band will be home and I will be able to talk to Jack and Mayzie, and hopefully really lock the rest behind me.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Melanie

“I’m so sorry Mayzie,”I utter in a shaky voice as I sit next to her on her couch. She’s comfortingly rubbing my arms, a gesture I don’t feel I deserve after what I’ve just told her and Jack, who is pacing angrily across the living room. I’ve just divulged the entire story, Matt included.

“Why?” Mayzie asks, her tone soothing and compassionate as she looks at me with her head tilted.

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