Page 14 of Until We Fall

Rory accepted an editing job for a textbook company in New York. It starts right after graduation. It’s perfect for him. But it feels like a stepping-off point for him, too. I can’t wait to see what he decides to do after that. He’s talked about grad school.

He rolls onto his side, facing me. “I’m having a hard time finding a place to live.”

His voice is quiet, so I inch closer. It takes my eyes a moment to adjust enough to see him, but when I can, my gaze swims around his face.

He’s got such delicate features—a thinner nose, almond-shaped eyes, soft lips. Smooth skin, with those freckles I can’t fully see right now, but I can picture them. All of them, really. I guess I’ve studied them a lot.

His eyelashes flutter tiredly. “I found a room to rent. But it’s expensive. I’d have to share a bathroom.”

“Did you sign a lease already?”

“A sublet, yeah.” He nods, his cheek scraping against his pillow. “It was my only option. I need to move in three months, and it’s not like I need anything big.” He slides his hand between his cheek and the pillow. “Are you excited about going back home?”

“To California?” I stiffen. I don’t know if he can see my reaction in the dark. I force my shoulders to relax.

My dads want me to take over the special events. Weddings and funerals and graduations and gender reveals, mostly.

I love the shop. I love stepping into the warm humidity cooler full of cut arrangements, the brightness of the blooms, colorful as hell and not afraid to show it. And I love being part of people’s big life events. There’s always something to do, always people around. I get lonely just creating arrangements in the back of the shop, but drop me at an event, and I’m happy all day.

I love being with my family, too. They’re all fantastically cool, and we’ve always been close. It’s such a good vibe. Bright and welcoming and open.

I think of all the things Ishouldsay about going home, about what I’ve planned, but when I open my mouth, something unexpected happens.

I say, “I don’t know.”

Do I mean that?

I swallow, a bit thickly, and then something comes out that I’ve never said before. “I don’t want to let my dads down.”

Rory stares across at me. “I’ve met them a few times, and it seems like they only want the best for you.”

“I know.” I hesitate, trying to sort out what I’m thinking. He’s right. My family is awesome. But…

But?

But…

I don’t know.

Justbut.

Hanging there like this word that dead-ends a thought I’ve had for my entire life.

I want to go back after graduation, but…

“I can’t picture it,” I say.

His eyes move around my face although they’re getting sleepy, his head dipping deeper onto his pillow. “You can’t picture the shop?”

“No, I can picture the shop,” I say. “But I’m not sure I picture myself working there.”

When I try to, it’s empty.

The image in my head is so lonely. No customers, no employees. Just the worktable full of yellow daisies to be arranged, with printouts of unfilled orders and a half-drunk mug of mint tea. But no people. Just this sad, quiet emptiness.

It’s like everyone got up and walked out in the middle of the day.

“Do you want to know what I think, D?” Rory scoots closer.

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