Page 56 of Until We Fall

He nods resolutely. “We go back.”

I stare out at the ocean.

I don’t want to let go.

16

Rory

He loves me.

He said it. Two days ago, back on the ferry. A leeward wind had ruffled in his hair, the faint rock of the boat making him squeeze his arms tighter around me, his feet shifting subtly as we disembarked.

I love you.

D had said it. Tome. Tanned forearms around my waist, his lips brushing my neck.

I could feel the double-thump of his pulse. His body reacting. Norepinephrine and dopamine.

The biology that tells us we love someone.

I tug up the collar of my puffy coat closer as I cross the Quad, my stocking hat pulled down to nearly cover my eyes. In the last two days, the entire world has changed. Instead of shorts and sandals, I’m wearing thermals and jeans. I’ve got snow boots and gloves and wool socks and thermals and my favorite tartan scarf. One that D gave me last year for my birthday—in myfavorite colors and pattern. And we’ve been so busy. Papers and classwork, and everything that comes with graduating soon.

We came back to find IFU in a cold snap. It’s unusual for this time of year, but the positioning of Indigo Falls in the Rockies means there are occasionally cold-air dammings. Basically, air masses get lodged against the mountain ranges, making it difficult for warmer weather to intrude.

It’s subzero. And it’s going to remain freezing for another few days.

I pass the clock tower at the far edge of the Quad, wind filtering between the buildings. I squish my chin down into my scarf. My nose is probably bright red as I pass the library, and I carefully navigate around patches of ice.

I love you.

Why is it so hard to believe that he loves me? That he wants me? That it wasn’t just a spring break fling?

My throat tightens, the pilling from the wool scarf tickling my lips.

D’s been my best friend for three years. I’ve loved him for that entire time. How could Inot? His black hair brushing so effortlessly around his ears. His deep brown eyes that always seem to look straight at me. His smile. His confidence and creativity. His love of sandcastles and flowers. He’s so open and enthusiastic. The way he loves his family and friends so deeply and completely.

I trudge along, my thoughts churning. It’s three-quarters of a mile walk home, and I should probably take the bus to keep warm. Instead, I pass the stop.

Cars idle at the crosswalk as they wait for pedestrians to cross. Water vapor billows from the tailpipes.

I think about the process of engine combustion for another block, running my mind through the configuration of a car’sengine. Piston engines are categorized by their cylinders. Wankel engines by the number of rotors.

I’m distracting myself. I know it.

Why can’t I just jump right in, like D does? Why does my brain have to vacillate over the complications and difficulties?

I plod through an unplowed section of sidewalk, pushing through with the toes of my boots, as I turn off campus toward the house the four of us share. My throat tightens when it comes into view, my nose numb by the time I reach the steps.

I’ve dreamed my whole life that a man might look at me like D does. And it was even better because it was him. My best friend. All my dreams sparked into reality.

I slip off my gloves to get my key out and then open the door with shaking hands. A blast of heat wells around me as I step into the entryway. My nose and cheeks sting, my blood vessels expanding.

I set my backpack on the bench before carefully unwrapping my scarf and hanging it on the hook, next to D’s coat.

“Heyyyyy, R!” Carter’s voice bellows from the couch.

I shrug out of my coat, then push off my snowy boots before reaching down to grab my backpack.

---