Page 54 of Twink Heart

?Leaving my SUV behind, I headed up the trail, not really sure where it would take me. I noticed a buzz in my pocket and took out my phone. There was a message waiting from James, but it was just a single word.

James: Okay.

?I thought he might fight me have a conversation or try to find me. But he probably already knew what had been going through my head for the past half hour. I’d told him everything about Mia and how our relationship had come to an end. He knew even more than Adam, and that was saying something. Out of all the people in the world I knew, James understood the most.

?There was a swell of affection as I read his message. Not only was he giving me the space I’d asked for, but he didn’t try to make me feel guilty about not talking to him. He never did things like that. It wasn’t until moments like this that I realized how deeply damaged I was from all those years with Mia. When I said something, James listened. He didn’t try to shift the situation to suit himself or redirection attention. He just… listened.

?The rush of endorphins behind that thought made me wince. I felt pathetic for being happy about something so simple. But that’s how I felt. And the more he treated me with that level of kindness and respect, the more those feelings grew.

?As I hiked up the trail, I started to realize something that I’d been pushing down for a while.

?James was becoming everything to me.

?Fear and butterflies filled my stomach as I came to that realization. Three little words bounced around my head that I longed to speak out loud. But the mere thought of it made me want to vomit right there on a nearby tree.

?I pushed forward, climbing the high sandy hill that rose up in front of me. The exertion took my mind off things as I struggled. My breath came in shallow gasps as my boots began to fill with sand. As usual, James was right. Hiking boots were great for hiking, just not on the shores of Lake Michigan or up a dune.

?At the top the trees fell away, and I found myself standing at the peak of the tallest dune. I gasped in mouthfuls of air, my chest heaving as I surveyed the scene. Crystalline water stretched to the horizon, dancing in the midday sun. Waves crashed against the golden beaches below, the people so small from this height that they looked like ants milling about.

?The rush of oxygen seemed to clear my thoughts for a moment and I suddenly realized I needed advice. And there was only one person in the entire world I could think to call.

?Pulling out my phone, I flipped through my contacts, smashed Adam’s face, and pulled it to my ear. It rang twice before he picked up.

?“Hey Booboo,” he said from the other end of the phone. “How’s it going?”

?“I think I’m in love,” I blurted out, the sound of the words sending a streak of anxiety through my chest.

?“Oh.” He was quiet for a moment, clearly surprised by my outburst. But as he spoke again, I could hear the smile in his voice. “That’s wonderful! Congrats!”

?“It’s not wonderful,” I replied, on the verge of panic. “I’m fucking scared out of my goddamn mind! I don’t know what to do!”

?“Alright, take a deep breath.”

?I did as I was told, although I did it with an air of annoyance.

?“Caring about someone isn’t the end of the world.”

?“Yeah, but it will be when he decides he doesn’t want me anymore.”

?There was a long pause. “Why do you think that’s going to happen?”

?“That’s what always happens!” I replied, clearly exasperated. “That’s how relationships work. You care for someone, you tell them you love them, and then they move on. It happened to me and it happens to you all the time.”

?“Ouch. Not sure if I appreciate that.”

?“I’m sorry,” I sighed. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I promise. I just… well, my relationship with Mia didn’t go well and yours don’t seem to last very long… and I just don’t have any other frame of reference.”

?“Well, let me tell you about my relationships,” he said with a long sigh. “Most of them are just friends with benefits.”

?“But I thought this last guy–”

?“Was no different. We met on a hookup, we knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere from the start, and then I got attached.” I could hear the hurt in his voice and I felt bad for bringing it up at all. “When you set an expectation with people, you have to be clear with them when that expectation changes. And by the time I finally got the courage up to tell him how I felt, he was already on the run. The sex was great, but that’s all it was to him. I was the one that caught feelings.”

?“So what if it’s just me that feels this way?” I asked, my anxiety looking for any tiny way to prove my suspicions right. “What if I tell James how I feel and he just runs off?”

?“Do you really think he will?”

?I paused. “No…”

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