Page 29 of Twink Heart

?I sighed, pulling my knees to my chest once more. “I’m sorry, James.”

Chapter Fifteen: James

I stopped my struggling for a moment, surprised by the words that had come out of Rowan’s mouth. If he were anyone else, I might not believe him. But considering what little I knew about him, I didn’t really think he was capable of faking emotion like that.

?“I’m sorry I blew up.”

?Rowan’s intimidating stature had condensed itself into a ball next to the tub as he pulled his knees tight to his chest. He hung his head down between his knees and I wasn’t sure if he was crying or not. I hoped not because if there was one thing I knew about myself, it was that I was a sympathetic crier. Nobody ever cried alone in my presence.

?“I’m just… I’m just so fucking angry right now,” he added, his voice barely above a whisper. “Everything is so fucked up.”

?I relaxed back into the tub, ceasing my struggling for the moment. Letting out a deep sigh, I placed a hand on his shoulder. I hated how easy I was to apologize to. The moment a boy started showing me emotion, I was about as rigid as a wet blanket.

?“Will you just tell me what’s going on in that head of yours?” I asked gently. “I might understand more than you think I do.”

?He shook his head. “It’s so stupid…”

?“I bet you it’s not.”

?Finally he looked up at me, his eyes bloodshot. “Everything I thought I knew about myself and my life has been crashing down around me. I’m pissed off at everyone and everything, I don’t want to be here in this beautiful place because I feel so damn bad, and to top it all off I met you and I just don’t know what to even think.”

?The hurt in his voice had me on the edge of tears. “You really did care about her, huh?”

?“I’ve been working this shitty job non-stop for months to give her the life she wanted. I was determined to buy her that house she dreamed about so we could raise a family. It didn’t matter if I was happy as long as she had everything she wanted.” He turned away from me again. “And not only did she cheat on me… but I just found out it’s been happening for months. I know I spent a lot of time at work and I wasn’t caring for her like I should… but if she was so unhappy, why didn’t she tell me?”

?“I wish I could tell you, Rowan,” I replied, carefully choosing my words. “Sometimes it’s easier to ignore a problem than to face it head on.”

?“We could have been so happy,” he continued. “And I could’ve had a normal life.” He paused for a moment. “And now… now I’m… broken.”

?This time I forced him to look at me. “You are not broken,” I said sternly, holding his chin in my hand. “You’re hurt and trying to figure it all out. That doesn’t make you broken.”

?“But I never liked guys before this…”

?“Well you sure as hell aren’t broken for being attracted to men either.” I gave him a good once over. “And I bet if you were being honest with me, you’d tell me that you’ve had thoughts about guys before. You don’t just turn gay because of a bad breakup.”

?He stared for a long moment. “M-Maybe,” he replied finally. “In college a little…”

?“Tell me about that,” I said, releasing him from my grasp. “The breakup will heal in time, but this seems like the thing causing you to lash out.”

?“Sorry…”

?“Don’t be sorry,” I nodded. “Just explain it to me.”

?He nodded. “It’s… hard to say. I’ve hidden it away for so long.”

?“Take your time.” I leaned back in the tub, giving him the space he needed. “And start from the beginning.”

?Rowan heaved a big sigh before he nodded. With one last glance at me, he rested his chin on his knee and started to tell me his story.

“There was a guy sophomore year that I roomed with. A hockey player.”

“My god,” I laughed. “That honestly explains everything. But continue.”

“Well, he didn't wear a lot of clothing when he was lazing in our room.”

“Naturally.”

“And I caught him a couple of times with his dick sort of poking out of his boxers. At first I was gonna tell him, but when I realized I didn't want my view to go away, I stopped myself.” He sighed again. “I spent all year trying to convince myself I didn't want anything from him while fantasizing about him all the time.”

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