Page 28 of Stopped

Stunned by his sudden movement and the fact that I wasn’t actually breathing properly, I froze and stared up into his eyes.

“We. Are. Not. Breaking. Up.” He shook my face and narrowed his eyes. “We’re concentrating on what we need to do, and then we will pick up where we left off.”

To be quite frank, none of that sounded like a great idea, but his insistence and the fact that I still felt monumentally guilty over pretty much everything left me feeling like I had no choice but to cede to his wishes. Honestly, the fact that he wasn’t attempting to break up with me was a blessing. Still, I didn’t love the idea of pressing pause, or whatever the hell he was calling it. My head bobbed up and down, despite everything in my gut screaming, “No, no, no!”

EJ dipped lower and pressed his lips to my forehead before returning to his side of the table. It left me with a weird mix of excitement and dread. I’d never realized how much I loved forehead kisses until he gave me one. I also felt a sinking sense of loss with the idea that this weird suspension of our newly-founded relationship meant that might be the last kiss for the foreseeable future.

Silence descended on us as EJ resumed eating and I half-heartedly pushed eggs around my plate while pretending to eat. The more I thought about this proposal, the more confusing it felt. I couldn’t make heads or tails of the situation. Nothing about it made sense. How does one pause a relationship? What does a pause entail? Could we still talk as friends? Where did one relationship end and another begin? Each whirlwind thought spun faster and faster until I couldn’t think straight, nor could I take a full breath. Eventually, I pushed my plate away and stood up.

“Hey, are you okay—”

“No. I think… I think I should go.”

“Whoa, hold up… you don’t have to—”

“No, I really do. I’m sorry. I just… I need to think about shit for a minute.”

“Okay,” EJ mumbled, visibly deflating in his chair with a look of confusion on his face. I related to it on a deep level. Everything about this entire conversation was confusing as hell and I needed to get some fresh air and breathing room before I had a complete breakdown over every unfair, perplexing, and emotionally draining event of the last month.

“I’ll call. Or you call. We’ll talk.” I ruffled my sleep-rumpled hair and retreated before I could change my mind and do something mortifying like fall to my knees crying and pleading for him to reconsider this stupid pause proposal.

“Yeah, okay.” EJ tracked my movement through the room with a wary eye. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah. No. I don’t know.” I shrugged and let my shoulders sag with a sigh. “I honestly don’t know.”

The world passed in a blur as I shuffled through EJ’s house to collect my things. I’d arrived in a fog and was leaving in a daze—a victim to the circumstances of my life instead of an active participant. The idea was a depressing one as I collected my stillslightly damp clothes from the floor and gathered my cell, keys, and wallet from the side table. I laughed over the fact that just that morning, I’d marveled to myself that maybe it would one day be “my” side of the bed. There was no joy in my huffy breath of a chuckle. Honestly, I was mostly disappointed in my naivete.

I didn’t bother returning to the kitchen to say goodbye, nor did EJ come into the hall to do the same. As I climbed into my truck and turned the key in the ignition, the cold truth of it hit me—pause was his way of letting me down gently. Unlike how I ran from him back in high school and again the night my dad crashed the car, EJ had the maturity to ease me into our inevitable breakup. And I deserved it. God, did I deserve his rejection. As much as it hurt in a deep way that only exacerbated the mourning I was already entrenched in, I knew it was earned. I’d disappointed him and rejected him in ways I’d never be able to fathom. This was just karma finally catching up with me.

That didn’t make it hurt any less, though.

Chapter Fifteen

Elijah

I’d thought it wasa solid plan to take the pressure off Will, but as soon as the door slammed and his truck engine rumbled away, I had regrets. The weight of his guilt was a palpable thing. My own vicarious guilt over burdening him drove me to suggest that we take time to figure out our situations. Honestly… it was perhaps one of the dumbest, most impulsive decisions I'd ever made. The biggest idiot award goes to yours truly. I pushed my breakfast plate away with a grumble. It clanked against Will’s abandoned meal like an accusatory bell calling out my colossal mistake.

I called. I texted. I called again. I kept calling until the phone stopped ringing and skipped right to voicemail, indicating he'd shut it off and I didn't blame him one bit. I'd hurt him. He came to me in a time of need and my short-sightedness resulted in me messing up again. Frustrated and angry with myself, I switched gears and dialed the one other person who knew full well the depths of my terrible decision-making skills.

“Hello, darling.” Lionel’s voice was chipper and bright in comparison to mine.

“Li, I fucked up.”

“I told you not to text Ashley! God, you never listen—”

“No. I… with Will. I told him we should pause our relationship and he left and now he isn't answering my calls.”

The dead air on the line was just as weighty as my regret. It went on for so long, I wondered if the call had dropped.

“Lionel?”

“Elijah, you are the biggest fool on the planet. Where are you?”

“At home. Why—”

“Don't even move a muscle, or I swear to God, I'll hunt you down and make you regret it.”

This time, the air was indeed dead. He’d hung up on me. Not for the first time, either. Sighing, I folded my arms on the table and dropped my head to rest on them. Maybe it was my guilt that had inspired me to call my sassy ex. He would surely make me feel as small and inadequate as I was. Self-flagellation via a former partner turned friend seemed apt, given the situation.

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