Page 31 of Stopped

“I'll be okay. I think I need to get out there and out of my head.”

“I'm worried about you.”

“I'm worried about me too, but you know I love this job. It's all I have now.”

She kicked my shin and released her hold on me with a scoff. “Gee, thanks. You're an ass.”

“You know what I mean,” I huffed with a sound that was almost a chuckle. “I appreciate everything, Raine. I wouldn't have made it through this without you and Josh.”

“Someone else wants to be on that list too. What the hell is going on?” She pointed toward the desk in the corner and my attention followed the motion. The gigantic bouquet stunned me silent as I boggled. Honestly, I don't know how I missed it when I first walked in. It took up almost the entire surface of the table and was bright yellow in color. Perhaps I was a little more lost in my head than I had realized.

“Where'd that come from—”

“God, you're as thick as it gets.” Raine rolled her eyes and grabbed a sheet of paper from under the floral giant. “Read it.”

With an eye roll, I unfolded the parchment and scanned the contents. Once, twice, three times, I read the note, my jaw clenching to keep my emotions in check as the dam threatened to break. There were so many mixed emotions, most of them conflicting with other feelings until my vision blurred.

“Will,” Raine murmured even quieter as she brought her hand to my cheek. “Hey, look at me.”

I hiccupped on a soft sob as my eyes flicked up to meet her gaze. “Sorry. I'm okay.”

Once more, I found myself pulled into a hug by my partner, and try as I might, I couldn't keep the feelings from leaking out of my eyes. Everything was entirely too much to deal with. Not for the first time today, I regretted getting out of bed.

“You stick to the side roads today, okay?” Raine’s hand smoothed over the back of my head with a tenderness that nearly broke me. “Call me if you need me. Please?”

My voice would betray how fragile my state was, so I settled for nodding and squeezed her tighter. The monumental obstacles ahead of me were too much to tackle, so I concentrated on one step at a time, but once Raine left, I took a moment to privately admire the bouquet, carefully treading around each and every tumultuous emotion it brought up. My cowardice was just as yellow as the vibrant sunflowers and delicate roses. Sighing to myself, I gingerly selected one of the candy bars and tucked it into my pocket. It was going to be a long, long day.

Throughout the day, the fog gradually lifted. Routine had a funny way of doing that. I'd missed the scaffolding of my job. Ihonestly hadn't realized how much I relied on my work to keep everything in order, but I was glad for the clarity and strength it provided. With that clarity came a realization in the form of a campaign sign I hadn't seen before. My tires chirped on the asphalt as I stopped the cruiser short and stared at the familiar name. Brixton Hayden for Town Supervisor.

“What the fuck?” I squinted at the plastic rectangle and scowled. EJ hadn't mentioned this at all. My gut tumbled when I was forced to admit it was likely because of the lack of communication on my part. Self-recrimination piled on top of all the other feelings fighting for supremacy in my chest as I resumed my patrol of the network of roads around my town. The new discovery inspired a level of hyper awareness that became downright distracting. Brixton’s signage outnumbered EJ’s almost two-to-one.

The impulsive, childish side of me wanted to take all the signs and dump them in the gorge outside of Windhaven. I knew better, but the desire was still there. To be fair, it would probably feel really good to take my anger out on a bunch of stupid signs. I tucked the idea in the back of my brain as I continued my aimless drive through the country roads.

As the clouds continued to clear from my head, they cleared overhead as well. Maybe there was a correlation between the lightening skies and my better mood, but I'd take any small mercy I could. The colors were finally starting to shift in earnest among the trees—yellows and reds and oranges crept along the boughs and added a cinematic haze to the world. I needed this drive time. I needed these small things. Indulgently, I pulled off the road and parked on the shoulder to take a moment to admire the simple beauty and revel in the fleeting calm it had brought to my whirling mind.

The candy bar was just on the right side of too warm from sitting in my pocket. Soft but not completely melted, it wasgone before I even registered the fact that I'd taken it out. Naturally, once I caught up with my autopilot actions, my thoughts returned to EJ. I missed him. I wanted him. Mostly, I was afraid. Afraid of losing him and afraid of driving him away again. My track record was already pretty shit when it came to him and here I was messing up all over again. Sobered and solemn, I folded up the candy wrapper as if it were some sort of precious memento and stashed it carefully in my pocket. If pressed, I wouldn't be able to articulate why I did that other than a desperate need to hang on to every little bit of him I could while I figured out how to dig myself out of the hole I'd created through my actions.

The afternoon bled into evening as the sky turned colors to match the changing leaves and with the fading light, my energy evaporated too. The end of my tour was a beacon that I concentrated on, desperate to get to the finish line. The relief of signing out was a godsend. No one ever mentions how physically exhausting stress and sadness can be. With my cheerful bouquet in hand and a plan to consume the candy as my sole meal of the day, I once again let myself function on autopilot until I pulled into the driveway of my house. I didn't go inside, though. Frankly, I couldn't handle the ghosts and memories that cluttered the halls of my childhood home. There wasn't much I could handle at this point. Maybe it was dramatic, but there wasn't anyone there to witness it, so I couldn't be bothered to care. Not when there were bigger things to haunt my mind.

I drifted to sleep, stuffed with candy and surrounded by the scent of roses. Sweetness and solace amid the heavy weight of it all. Thankfully, my mind took pity on me and kept the dreams at bay. With any luck, I would be less exhausted when I woke up. I wasn't altogether that optimistic, unfortunately.

Chapter Seventeen

Elijah

Time was up. TheLabor Day weekend had arrived and I was no closer to feeling excited about attending the Back to School BBQ. My friends took on the burden of setting up my booth simply because if it were left to me, it wouldn't happen. All I had to do was show up and pretend I wanted to be there, with my fake smiles and memorized, canned responses. Even that felt insurmountable as I bitched and moaned under my breath while getting ready. It took four tries to get my tie right and another fifteen minutes to finish my hair. Even my shoes gave me problems. If it could go wrong, it did.

The twenty minute drive to town was going to be a chore in and of itself. The scenery I loved so much went by in a blur that I couldn't find the energy to appreciate. To be completely honest, I wanted to fast forward to my inevitable loss of the campaign so I could try to pick myself up and dust myself off. It was sort of like ripping off a bandage—I wanted to do it quickly and get the pain out of the way.

The same sentiment lingered as I approached the straight-away I loved the most. Instead of feeling the excitement of being able to let loose and press down on the pedal, I felt annoyed. The source of the annoyance was the sight of a familiar grill guard on a white cruiser tucked out of the way on the shoulder of the road ahead. William. My William who was ignoring me and likely getting mad at himself for it. My eyes narrowed as a plan, impulsive and reckless, began to take form.

My eyes flicked from my speedometer to the posted speed limit and back toward the cruiser in the distance. Fifty-five miles per hour. I applied more pressure to the pedal and squeezed the steering wheel in my grip as the needle crept higher. Sixty. Sixty-five. I pressed harder. Seventy. Seventy-five. The blur of white as I sped past his vehicle triggered a fit of hysterical laughter as I removed my foot from the accelerator and let the car coast at its breakneck speed.

I knew I had achieved what I wanted as soon as I spied the flashing lights in my rear view mirror. The natural topography had my car slowing of its own accord, but I helped it along with a foot to the brake that had the car lurching and the tires squealing. I nudged the nose into the shoulder and came to a hard stop before slamming it in park, flicking on the hazards, and throwing the door wide open. Incensed and still slightly hysterical, I was already storming toward his cruiser before he even fully stopped behind me.

His door flew open and he jumped out with a scowl so scathing, it could make the Devil himself recoil. Thankfully, I was beyond the ability to be effected by such expressions.

“What the hell are you doing, EJ?!” William strode toward me with fire and brimstone in his eyes as he bellowed. “Do you know how dangerous—”

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