Page 156 of Between the Lines

“You’re welcome.” He nods. Swallows. His lips part, and I pray that Zoey is ready to go, because I don’t know if my heart can take him trying to sweet talk me back into his arms. “For what it’s worth, what your sister assumed is true. I am deeply sorry for making the decision to end things between us for you. And when you’re ready to talk to me again, I’d love the chance to make it right.”

My heart stutters, then does its best job to jump through my ribcage. My brain is still leery. I sigh.

“We’ll see.”

It’s all I can give him.

He nods, tucking his hands into his pockets as I slide my shoes back on.

I allow myself to imagine, for just one moment, that he did it to stop himself from reaching out to me.

sixty-one

nathan

Seeing Claire last week,admitting my faults to her out loud, only solidified my need to make things right. I have been drowning without her. Getting a hint at the shore the day her sister showed up on my doorstep, felt like fate giving me a swift kick in the groin.

But I can’t repair things with Claire until I’ve got my own things sorted out. Which begins with a call to my brother.

He doesn’t have much free time at all throughout his residency, so I did something I’ve never done before. I took a sick day—afakesick day—to see my brother and set things right.

We meet in the cafeteria at Mass Gen, and I am hit with a wave of memories.

This is where he received his cancer treatment. Where our family lived for the better part of three consecutive years during my adolescence. This cafeteria is where Mom and I would sit when Cal was asleep and we didn’t want to disturb him. It still has the banana muffins, and biting into one while my brother goes through the line for a more nutritious lunch makes me feel twelve years old again. When Cal sits across from me with a salad and a water, he suddenly looks older.

It hits me now that he isn’t a little kid anymore. Though he has bags beneath his eyes, they are from hard work that he’s all too happy to put in. He is thriving. While I’d like to take some of that credit, I have to let him go. Let him live his own life free of my wings.

I cut right to the chase.

“I’m going to unload a lot onto you, and I’m sorry if some of it is heavy, but I need to get it off my chest.”

He bites into his salad, nods, and I begin.

I tell him everything, from the guilt I’d immediately felt when they’d pronounced our parents dead on impact, to the weight I took on as his primary caretaker, and the way it had all piled atop my conscience from the moment my father told me that his pride for me stemmed from what I could do to keep Cal safe. Though Dr. Marty and Ms. June helped me out during college, I did my best to shirk every responsibility that wasn’t making money and giving my all to Cal.

I shift then, unearthing all of the financial tolls that I’ve been taking lately to keep up with the property taxes and upkeep on a house meant for a large family, and the guilt I have about touching my inheritance, because I feel like I don’t deserve it.

I don’t realize that I’ve been crying this entire time until my body slumps with exhaustion, and my brother slides me a napkin. I wipe my eyes, then fold it to wipe my snotty nose. We sit there in silence for a long while, until Cal, his words raspy, speaks.

“I’m sorry, Nate. I didn’t know.”

Flicking my gaze up to my brother, I can see that, though I’ve now allowed him to shoulder some of the burden, he’s here for me. These reversed roles are something I never wanted—him taking care ofme—but the second his hand covers mine, I feel like a ten-ton boulder has been lifted.

“I didn’t realize you felt that way. I guess I always looked up to you as my big brother, the one who takes care of everything, and never realized that it was slowly killing you.”

“I never let it show,” I admit.

“I’m glad you told me.” He nods, and I can tell that some of the shadow beneath his eyes is now the stress I’ve unshouldered, but he presses forward. “Nathan, I have neveronceblamed you for what happened to Mom and Dad. That wasn’t your fault.”

Tears that have been lying in wait spill over for Cal. He swipes at them with the back of his hand, and I see my little brother again, waking me in the middle of the night to ask if mommy and daddy were home yet.

I didn’t realize how long I had been waiting to hear him say those words.

Coming from Claire had meant the world to me, but coming from mybrother? I feel something inside of me shift, like a door closing on that part of my past.

“And the house?”

My chest tightens, and I wait with bated breath for more words I didn’t know I’ve needed to hear.

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