Page 148 of Between the Lines

I’m getting whiplash from the intensity of his words in the deeply exposed tone they’re wrapped in. My head is spinning.

“What happened to my parents was my fault. It forced my brother to grow up without his mom and dad. I have given everything in me to be the parent he deserves. To make sure he gets to haveeverythinghe deserves in this life.”

“But you deserve it too,” I insist, finally reaching my hand out to cover his. To let him know that he has me as an anchor. “You deserve to live your life too, Nathan. Free from the guilt that’s been shackling you.”

I think back to the words he once spoke to me and try to mirror them as best I can.

“Cal is yourbrother. He isnotyour obligation. No matter what you try to tell yourself, you have a life worth living too, and if he knew that you were sacrificing everything so that he never had to see those bad things ever again? Nathan, he would tell you the same thing.”

His breath stutters, like he’s holding in a sob, like his chest is cracking and he’s doing his best to hold it together. I place one hand over his heart and the other on his cheek, forcing him to turn to me. The distress in his eyes, in the parting of his lips, almost breaks me.

“What happened to your parents isnotyour fault. Life works in mysterious ways sometimes, but it does not work to punish you. They didn’t die so that your dreams could die with them, Nathan. Your brother didn’t live so that you had to sacrifice any substance for his own. Life gave you both a second chance, and you deserve to take it.”

I straddle his thigh, pressing my knee between his legs so that he has no choice but to look at me.

“You have spent your whole life living in guilt, living for others. It’s your turn, Nathan. Take something for yourself.”

I want to saytake this, us, for yourself, but it’s not the time. His shaky inhale has me holding onto him tighter.

“They’d still be here if it wasn’t for me,” he whispers.

I shake my head. “That’s not true.”

“Cal would have been raised by hisparents, and not some older brother. He spent his childhood in the hospital and came out of it without his mom and dad.”

“You can’t think like that anymore.”

“I deserve this.” He breathes in deep, his voice shuddering as his pained gaze finds mine. “I deserve to spend my time in a job I hate so that my brother can have this last thread to the parents I ripped away from him.”

A sob causes his words to tremble, and more missing pieces clickinto place. I shift my position ever so slightly and gaze around the place that has become my sanctuary.

This isn’t his home. It’s his parents’. And he has been…

“That’s why you took the job.”

He nods, his head heavy.

“To keep the house?”

“Not for much longer.” He laughs humorlessly. “Even with the pay bump, the taxes are going to be too much. I should just use my inheritance. I don’t deserve it. And Idon’tdeserve you.”

The change in direction gives me whiplash so hard, I swear my heart stops.

“What?” It comes out as a wheeze.

He swallows, cupping my waist and squeezing so hard, Ihopethe shape of his hand stays behind when he lets go.

“You deserve a life unencumbered by the weight of my guilt and decisions.” He shakes his head, lips parting and closing three times before he says, “You should be with someone like Connor. Someone your own age. Someone who can still give you a life that fulfills you.”

“What?” I exclaim, sitting up in his lap. “Nathan, what are youtalkingabout? Where is this coming from?”

His eyes flood with fresh tears, and for the first time, I feel him slipping through my fingers.

“We’re living insecret,Claire. I can’t give you the life you deserve to have. You should be out with your friends, working through your internship, starting your career. I am shackled here, paying off my lifetime of debts. I can’t give you everything that you deserve. You could’ve beenhurttonight because of me. I certainly don’t deserve all that you’ve given me.”

“Stop,” I exclaim, clasping his hands that have been running up and down my waist to ground himself, and squeezing them between us. “Nathan, youdodeserve this.Us. Don’t you see how far we’ve both come?”

He starts to shake his head, and I reverse the move he’s used onme since the beginning to get me out of my own. I clasp his jaw between my thumb and forefinger and force his gaze to see the candor in mine.

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