Page 90 of Crown of Ellova: Vol 1

I pause, my back pressed to a marble pillar for support. Leon stands before me, moonlight making him glow as his hands wander on my waist.

“It increases sexual pleasure and is meant to mimic Zemras’ experience when they have sex,” I whisper. I may have had my hand around his cock earlier, but a sudden shyness overtakes me and I become very interested in our shoes.

“Sex with a Zemra is different, then?’”

“Well, of course! It’s a soulbond.” The world around me is getting fuzzy, my body swaying on its own, drunk off wine andLeon’s nearness. “Zemras can feel each other’s emotions, especially their pleasure. Their arousal is heightened with shared orgasms, shared magic.”

Leon takes my chin in his hand and brings my gaze up to him. His eyes darken, his grip on my waist tightening.

“What if that is something I want to share with you? Being Zemras? What if that is why we have been drawn to each other from the start?” He is staring at me with such intensity I laugh bitterly; it’s too much.

“Leon.” I say his name to give me a moment to figure out how to respond. “Zemra bonds are a form of magic,faemagic. You are mortal. It’s not possible for us to be Zemras.” Having a Zemraiswhat I want, what I’ve longed for, but it’s not worth the pain of dwelling on it.

“We don’t know that. We could try.” His words are as tight as his jaw.

The look in his eyes, full of hunger, sadness, and desperation, sobers me. Suddenly I’m too hot, pain returning to my head.

“Leon, there are laws. It requires Lazalai’s approval. You don’t have a court to approve us speaking with the temple guides. Besides, we would need to be mates for decades before a temple guide would even consider speaking to us, and you know we do not have that time.”

“Nueena and Tavien did it. They snuck in, and they figured it out. Why can’t we? Why are you not willing to even attempt it?” His shoulders sink. “Are you waiting for someone else?” he asks, bitter betrayal crossing his handsome face.

I gasp, “No, no.” I’m frantic to make him understand. “Zemras share magic, Leon. Magic is deadly to mortals. A soulbond to me while I’m still wearing this crown would kill you. It would not be the slow descent into madness you are putting yourself through now. With this much magic? You’d be dead. Instantly. I don’t even understand why we’re having this discussion! We are nottogether, Leon. We don’t get a happy ending! You are here to assist with the elixir as long as you can and then you are leaving. Leaving Ellova,leaving this realm, leavingme.” My voice cracks on the last two words but I can see something crack in him too.

The world around me blurs again. This time it’s not from the wine or the headache threatening to consume me, but the tears running down my face. He offers everything I’ve wanted and it’s agony to turn him away.

“I understand,” Leon says stiffly, his hands retreating from my hips.

My stomach drops. “Leon, I—”Please don’t leave me. It’s on the tip of my tongue to beg, to scream, but that wouldn’t be fair to him. He stares at me, waiting for me to finish what I was saying, but I can’t ask him to say. It's not fair to him; it never was. He’s free to walk away from me, from this place. I suck my quivering lip between my teeth to hide what a mess I am until his back is turned.

I can’t have him but I can save my dignity.

Each fading footstep pierces my heart as I slide down to the floor, heart breaking all over again. Agony rips into me at the sight of him walking away, but Leon returns just as quickly as he left, crushing me with relief. He holds a goblet of water and kneels in front of me.

“Drink this,” Leon says quietly, “and let’s get some sleep, Strawberries.”

I gape at him. “What?”

He presses the goblet into my shaking hands. “Drink. It’s been a long day and I would like to go to bed, preferably with you.”

I have no words, so when he pushes the water upward, I drink deeply, his stern features softening with each sip.

Leon helps me rise on unsteady feet and offers me his elbow, which I gladly take. As we walk back, fellow artisans stop to congratulate me on the crown or appreciate their new rings. A reminder to them that their loyalty belongs with Nueena.

When we arrive at our rooms, we undress silently, his back to me. I almost tell him to stop being so prudish since he had his fingers inside me this morning, but maybe a reminder of what we did is not what he needs right now, so I crawl silently into bed. Myback to him. He follows a minute after. I ache for him to pull me close, but I have no wish to be rejected as I deserve to be.

He slides behind me, our hips pressed together, his lips moving slowly on the curve of my neck. “I recognize what you are to me, Izadella. Fate has destined our souls to be forged together. No Guardian’s opinion matters, and no temple is necessary to prove what I feel for you, what I can sense deep within me. I don’t need to hear it back tonight. If we part ways tomorrow, know that my soul is forever bonded to you, even if we never receive a soulbond.”

A part of me demands to say it back, to spend the last few decades of his life trying to put into words these indescribable feelings I have for him, the knee-buckling need within me to never part from him, to howl the ways in which I desire him. That urge to forge my soul to his, it is its own kind of madness, one magic plays no part in.

I open my mouth to speak, but fear grips my throat. To admit it, even to myself, to declare my unyielding desires would be a dance with death.

CHAPTER 38

Leon is quiet the next morning. His smiles are soft and his touches are frequent, but a wrongness lingers between us. It hangs in the air, tormenting me, but nothing can be said that I haven’t already voiced. How we feel about each other does not change our situation. I’m ready to accept it, prepared to grieve and scream and cry and try to find a way to live a half life without him.

Leon seems determined to fight fate ’til the end.

I can’t decide if I want to kiss him for it or fall to my knees to beg him to abandon me. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to continue resisting when he makes his desires so clear.

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