Page 72 of Quiet Longing

I’d stopped attending classes, retreating into my shell. Mom had grown so worried about me that she’d insisted I start seeing a psychotherapist. I’d agreed to go mainly so I could be evaluated for schizophrenia. I’d received a diagnosis, but it’d been for depression instead. It had almost been a relief. Depression had felt manageable. It’d felt like something I could tackle or at the very least live with. I’d returned to college and started going to classes again. I was taking some mild anti-depressants and having regular therapy sessions.

And that was when I’d met Jesse. We’d shared some classes and quickly become close. I’d spilled my guts to him, told him allabout Rhys and how long it had been since I’d last heard from him. He’d been a shoulder to cry on, a great listener, and I’d valued his advice. He’d convinced me to move on, that holding out hope for Rhys was a fruitless endeavour. He’d showered me with so much attention and care at a time when I’d been vulnerable and in need that I’d started to believe I was in love with him. It was only in hindsight I saw it wasn’t love at all butlove-bombing.

When Nuala had eventually sent word that Rhys had come home to visit his mother and asked if I wanted her to ask him to call me, I’d been mad and infuriated that he hadn’t thought to call me himself to let me know he was okay.

So, I’d done something incredibly selfish and said no, I didn’t want her to speak to him for me. He could have written me an email explaining the reasons for his silence, but he never did. Then after a year or two, I’d lost touch with Nuala. I’d allowed Jesse to take over my life. I’d let him push everyone away until he’d had complete and total control over me. Sometimes, I’d mentally berate myself for being so weak, for letting things happen when I might’ve stopped them. But it didn’t feel that way when it was happening. It had just felt like a relationship until one day I’d realised it wasn’t.

It had been a prison.

I often wondered what had become of Rhys. When Nuala and I got back in touch, she hadn’t mentioned him, and I suspected she and her brothers had simply lost touch with him over the years, too. It happened. People grew up and went in different directions.

Well, wherever he was and whatever his life had become, I hoped he was happy. The old hurt and rejection was gone. It barely registered after all I’d been through with Jesse. And besides, Rhys had his demons to fight. I was certain that whatever his reasons had been for cutting off contact, theyweren’t malicious or heartless. That boy had the biggest heart of anyone I’d ever known.

When Aunt Jo had heard from Mom that I’d left Jesse and was back living with her, Jo had suggested I come to Ireland, that the head accountant at Padraig’s city hotel was retiring and the position was mine if I wanted it. I’d been in similar roles my entire career, but I hadn’t worked in almost three years, and I was rusty. Still, the idea of moving an ocean away from Jesse, with bed and board and a job and relatives I adored all waiting for me, was an offer I couldn’t refuse.

I stayed in the bath until my fingers turned to prunes. When I got out, I dried off and dressed in some black leggings, a long grey cardigan, and a loose camisole. Staring at myself in the mirror once again, I noticed how drab and washed out I looked. It was like I’d become a ghost, too checked out to even care about my appearance anymore.

Well, I’d had a haircut at least. Jesse always insisted I keep my hair long, and I’d obeyed. Now, it only reached my shoulders. The layered cut was vibrant and fresh, and I’d felt a hundred pounds lighter as soon as the stylist had chopped it all off.

Hearing the front doorbell ring, my heart lifted. Nuala and I had been texting back and forth and talking over the phone, but I hadn’t seen her since I’d landed. She worked as a school teacher, just like my mom before she’d retired last year, and had been busy getting settled back in after the Christmas break.

Eager to see her, I hurried downstairs and went in the direction of the voices. I found her in the dining room, and Nuala let out a squeal as soon as she saw me. It made me smile because she was thirty-three but had hardly changed since she was a teenager. She was simply more elegant and beautiful, if that were possible.

“Charli, I’m so happy you’re finally here!” she exclaimed.

“Me, too. It’s so good to see you.” I hugged her tight and let her warm, loving embrace seep into my bones. I had a lot of guilt and regrets about the way my life had panned out, and allowing Jesse to alienate me from my family was a big one. I reprimanded myself all the time for not being stronger and fighting for my freedom.

I did fight for it in the end, and I won, but the win wasn’t so sweet when it came over a decade too late.

I’d missed out on so much.

Letting go of Nuala, I realised Tristan was hovering behind her, his gaze soft as he took me in.

“Tristan, oh my God, look at you,” I breathed.

Nuala’s twin had certainly grown up. He’d always been tall, but now, he’d broadened, too, barely a trace of the boy left behind. His hair, a shade darker than Nuala’s, was stylishly cut. He wore slacks and a fitted shirt and tie like he’d come straight from the office. I knew he worked for his father and that he and Derek had been tasked with launching a brand new Balfe Hotel down in Cork. According to Nuala, they’d been flat out working on the project, driving back and forth to oversee the construction.

“Hi, Charli,” he said, hugging me almost as tightly as Nuala had. “We’re all so happy you’re here. Nuala and I were just talking about that summer you stayed with us. What a fun time we all had.”

“It was a good summer. Feels like forever ago,” I said, my heart once more giving a pang for the girl I’d been. If only I could time travel and start over. I never would’ve given Jesse a second glance.

“Where’s Derek?” I asked.

“Oh, he’ll be here soon. You know he’s got kids now, right? Teenagers, no less. Gigi is thirteen, and Pablo will turn fifteen in a couple weeks.”

Nuala had told me about her niece and nephew. I’d known by the way she’d spoken of them that she absolutely adored Derek’s kids. It was too bad his marriage hadn’t worked out. I’d been surprised to hear he’d married a woman he’d met after he’d finished college and went travelling for a year. She was from Spain and had moved to Ireland to be with him. Unfortunately, he’d gotten divorced, too, a couple years ago, and he was currently sharing custody with his ex-wife.

I’d been a little sad that it had never worked out with Milly though I did like to imagine she’d become a doctor just like she’d wanted to back when she was a teenager. I made a note to ask Nuala if they were still friends just as more people arrived. Derek entered with a boy and girl, both with dark hair and eyes. I could see the part of them they’d inherited from their Spanish mother and the parts that had come from my cousin.

Again, I received a warm hug, with Derek looking me over. “Charli, you look well,” he said while I studied the changes in him. Derek’s face had aged, the distinguished lines somehow enhancing his handsomeness. Man, why did my cousins all have to look so great, while I looked, well …

“You don’t have to lie. I know I look like crap.”

“I never lie. You’re gorgeous, Charli. Just a bit tired, I’m guessing?”

He could say that again. Before I could respond, he ushered his kids forward, and I smiled as I greeted them. Something like longing squeezed my chest. I’d always wanted children of my own. I’d thought Jesse did, too, but every year, he’d make an excuse for why it wasn’t the right time. Then a day had come when I’d realised I didn’t want his children nor any lasting connection to him. I hadn’t been able to fathom bringing a child into our home, the fear of him directing his rage at them, too. It didn’t bear thinking about. And at least, without kids, thedivorce had been a clean break. There were no children to get caught in the crossfire.

Jo filtered in, saying hello to her grandkids and rounding them up to help her set the table. I took a seat next to Nuala, letting the warm, congenial conversation drift over me. I was at peace, or at least I felt like I could be with time. Everything was going fine until Tristan sat on the free seat next to me.

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