Page 116 of Quiet Longing

“So, I had this massage last weekend at the spa in the Malahide hotel, and it was kind of a revelation,” she said at last, and I blinked.Okay. That wasn’t what I’d expected.

“Oh?”

Her eyes darted to mine and then away, hands fiddling in her lap. “I broke down a little,” she confessed quietly like she was telling me an embarrassing secret, and my chest constricted. “Ended up crying in front of the masseuse.” She waved a hand in the air. “It was a whole thing. But Kelly was so sweet and understanding. She gave me time to process my emotions before we continued with the massage. It really released a lot of tensionand trauma I didn’t know I was carrying. I hadn’t realised how long it was since someone touched me with kind hands.”

Beneath the desk, my own hand clenched into a fist at what she’d said. The instinct to hunt down her ex-husband returned with a vengeance. I couldn’t speak. If I did, I’d only end up sounding angry and possibly frightening her.

“When I left, I felt lighter like a cloud that had been hovering around my soul had been lifted. I know that sounds silly, but that’s just how it felt.”

“It’s not silly,” I grunted, still struggling to contain all that I was feeling at that moment. Charli’s eyes widened slightly at my gruff tone, and I forced myself to soften my voice. “Sorry, please go on.”

She pressed her lips together, swallowing thickly before she continued, “Well, I’ve been working through a lot of stuff, and speaking with my therapist in video calls helps, but I’m starting to feel like working through the emotions the massage brought out is important for my healing process, too.” She looked at me then, and though I was happy to be the one she chose to talk things out with, I wasn’t entirely sure where the conversation was headed.

Her eyes flicked to mine again. “While I was talking to Jonathan back in the restaurant, I mentioned how I was recently divorced, and he told me about a situation he had with one of his exes a few years ago. I don’t know, something just clicked for me.”

She paused, seeming shy as she smoothed her hands over her lap.

“What clicked for you?” I asked softly.

She shifted in her seat. “Well, he said that when his engagement to the woman he’d been with for five years ended, and he wasn’t in a good place to start anything new, he enteredan arrangement with another ex of his who he was on good terms with. A, uh, friends with benefits sort of thing.”

“Okay,” I said, trying not glower at the idea of Charli and Jonathan having a heart to heart about their love lives.

“So,” she continued, inhaling deeply as though drawing courage from someplace deep inside her, her eyes still intent on mine. “I thought maybe you and I could, well … I thought since we’re exes who are on good terms, we could try something similar.”

For a second, my brain stop-started. Then, when I realised what she was asking of me, I found myself battling between two intense reactions. One part of me wanted to drag her across the desk and do obscene things to her without a care that anyone could walk right into my office. The other part was disappointed she didn’t want something more than friends with benefits. I quickly quashed the feeling, reminding myself she was in a transitional phase of her life. If Charli was asking strictly for sex, then that was clearly all she was ready for.

“Charli,” I breathed, almost in warning, and she blinked like my tone had startled her. This was agony. I wanted to give her everything she needed, but I refused to take advantage, not when she was working through trauma.

“I just thought that since I’m still very attracted to you, and I feel like maybe you might still be a little bit attracted to me. Well, it would be a mutually beneficial thing.”

At this, I let out a low, derisive laugh. If only she knew. There was no “might” about it, and “a little bit attracted” didn’t cut it. Not even close. I desired her in a way that felt like it might scare her if I showed the true intensity of my feelings. Charli wasn’t ready for that, and I refused to set her back when she was already making such forward progress in her life.

I could, however, be of help. I could put my own needs aside andgiveto her without evertaking.

When I still didn’t speak, too busy trying to wrangle the beast that wanted to break free and ravish her, Charli bit her lip again. “Rhys, please say something. I’m kind of flailing over here.”

Just like that, I rose from my chair. Less than a second later, I knelt before her and pulled her chair towards me so we faced each other. She gasped, her hazel eyes widening at the move.

“So, let me get this straight,” I began, my voice a low rasp as I lifted my head to meet her gaze. “You want me to help you work through the trauma you have with being touched?”

Silently, she nodded, her breaths quickening.

“Use me, then,” I uttered roughly, hands gripping the edge of her seat. Her mouth fell open at my words.

“R-rhys,” she stammered, her chest rising and falling shakily. “I won’t use you.”

I tilted my head, my eyes gliding down her nose to her lips and chin then to her chest before rising back up. “Not even if I want you to?”

Red tinged her cheeks and neck. She ignored my question when she said, “We’d need to discuss the rules. If we’re going to be friends with benefits—"

“Fuck friends with benefits,” I growled. “We’re not doing that.”Because it would be a lie.She might be able to see me as only a friend, but I had feelings for her that far surpassed friendship. She didn’t need to know about that, though. “Use me in whatever way you need. Whatever might help you process what you need to process, I’m in. And when you’ve gone through it all and need to move on, you can drop me, and I’ll let you go. For however long or however much you need, I’m yours to use how you see fit.”

It was almost painful to say, but if this was all I ever had with her, I’d take it, even if my heart got crushed in the process. I’d leta herd of cattle stomp all over it for the chance of a single night with her. Hell, I’d do it in exchange for a solitary hour.

“That doesn’t sound very fair,” she breathed as I began to lean forward, my eyes on the pearlescent buttons of her pale pink shirt.

“I’ll decide what’s fair. Want to start now?”

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