Page 5 of My Wife

You’d think I’d tiptoe around the topic. If I had to spend the rest of my lifenotaddressing the elephant in the room, I never would’ve started over with Tommy. Between the both of us, we decided to keep the past where it belongs: behind us. We were only seventeen, after all. Tommy wouldn’t hold my getting with Clay before I actually ended things with him against me as long as adult Cyn gave her word it wouldn’t happen again.

He has nothing to worry about on that front. Just like I know that Tommy will never, ever fumble his second chance with me.

And in case I needed reassurance?

His easy-going expression takes on a hard edge. “Never.” His voice drops an octave lower than its usual tone. “You know I would never do that.”

I do. “So what’s the good news?”

That settled, Tommy’s impish smile returns. “You know how I was talking about maybe doing something for Halloween?”

I nod. It’s another thing he and Clay had in common, their love for the holiday. Over the years, Tommy’s younger siblings—in their late teens and early twenties now—all grew out of it, but there was something about the magic of monsters and horror films and candy that Clay enjoyed until his death, and that Tommy gets excited over every year.

I wish I could match his enthusiasm. But considering what happened a couple of days before..

I try. It’s tough, but I try, and I keep an open mind as Tommy tells me what he’s been planning for ages now.

“Okay. So I had this great idea, right? It was hard, getting the week-long slot I wanted for us all, but I got a call from the new owners right before I came home. Halo Island is open to rent from next Friday all the way through Halloween.

Halo Island. That name is a punch to my gut. No, no, no. He’s not suggested what I think he’s suggesting… is he?

Oblivious to the way my heart just about stopped pumping, Tommy continues. “From the 25th until November 1st, we get to be one of the first ones to see the new and improved camping set-up on the island.” He’s almost bursting with excitement now. “It’s clamping or some shit, but it still sounds like it’ll be fun. A secluded wooded island on Halloween where we’re alone? Awesome, yeah? What do you think?”

What do I think?

I think I’m going to puke.

Do I go pale? I’m pretty sure I just went pale because, suddenly, Tommy’s hands land on my shoulders.

“Hey. Cyn. You okay?”

I don’t know. A nervous tic of mine, I duck out from under his hold and immediately start twisting the narrow gold band on my left hand as I ask myself the same question.Halo Island… am I okay?

Tommy sees me fiddle with the ring, but he doesn’t say a word about that.

We both know I still wear Clay’s ring. I give Tommy everything I can, but that was the line in the sand I had to draw when we got back together. I couldn’t bring myself to take it off, and if that was a dealbreaker for Tommy, it was better that we got that out in the open before we both ended up heartbroken this time around.

He said he could deal. So far, he’s held true to his word. But when I’m twisting my ring, it’s a dead giveaway that I’m not in a good space mentally—and he knows it.

I’ve been so good lately. I actually did what Dr. Lucas suggested before I left New Jersey: I moved on. I never meant to, didn’t really plan on it, but after five years glued to Clayton Rivers’ hip, I knew I needed to figure out who Cynthia Preston was without him. I dropped my married name because it was too painful to be Clay’s when he wasgone.The house sold within a few months of me putting it on the market, and since Tommy was in constant contact with me, putting the bug in my ear about moving back to Gullhaven, I finally did.

Of course, he needed to help me settle back in. He helped me find an apartment of my own when I point-blank refused to move into his 1950s-style ranch house with him. He reintroduced me to the friend group I had years ago, and before long, it was like I never left.

And after three years of Tommy being my bonafide emotional support human, allowing me to lean on him while I navigated a life without Clay, he finally suggested we giveusa second try.

I say three years. Tommy tossed the idea at me the first time about a year after I relocated to the west coast, and I did everything to ignore him. For fuck’s sake, part of me kept thinking that Clay’s death was just a sick joke. That he’d pop up one day, trying to figure out why I wasn’t waiting for him in Little Falls.

But years passed, and though that strange, unsettling feeling that someone was always watching me never went away, my desperation to be reunited with my dead husband ebbed enough that I could look at Tommy and think… maybe.

Maybe I deserve to be happy. Maybe I deserve to be loved. Clay said that, if anything ever happened to him, I should rely on Tommy. Though I really doubt that Clay had any idea that somethingwouldhappen to him, I took his words to heart. I let Tommy back in.

And now, look at us. Last year Ididmove into his house. Now we’re like an old married couple, exchanging a kiss in the kitchen while I prep dinner for when he gets off of work.

The only difference is that, while I have a wedding band on the fourth finger on my left hand, it’s not Tommy’s. We’re not married, though that’s not for a lack of trying on his part, and when I struggle, it’s Clay’s ring I cling to.

Boy, am I struggling at the moment.

Halo Island.

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