Page 104 of Knotted Laces

So, I did what I could—I dropped her car to get cleaned, grabbed Cookie from her house so he’d be looked after, and I defrosted some cinnamon rolls.

“Meow?”

Okay, so maybe I picked up Cookie so I would have someone to pass the time with, would have an excuse to go back and see her.

To get on my knees and grovel like I should have in her kitchen a week ago.

“It’s okay, buddy,” I tell him, stroking my fingers through his fur, reassuring both him and myself because we’ve both been sitting in my living room for hours waiting for Lex to tell me she’s on her way home.

Not sleeping.

In limbo.

Waiting for my chance to drive back over to her house and fix this.

You’re not good enough. Will never be good enough. You can’t even give her kids.

“Fuck off,” I whisper, grinding my teeth together.

“Meow?”

I cuddle Cookie close. “Not you, bud. Me. My brain. My idiotic thoughts.” I sigh. “Maybe I won’t ever feel good enough,” I tell the voice in my head. “Maybe I won’t ever feel good enough on the ice or off it. Maybe I can’t give her everything she wants, but?—”

“Maybe she doesn’t need everything you think she wants.”

Stilling at the voice, I lurch up from the couch and see Athena hobbling into the room, Lex hovering at her side, ready to help, and?—

I stop thinking so fucking hard.

I move to her in a rush. “I’m so fucking sorry, cupcake. I-I?—”

“Was in your head again?” she asks softly.

You’re not good enough.

The voice is there, loud and blaring, but for the first time since I walked into her kitchen a week ago, I’m able to bat it away, able to focus on the woman I love.

“I’m sorry,” I say, gently—oh so fuckinggently—cupping her jaw. “I hurt you and I was out of my mind, but that’s no excuse. I know you wouldn’t?—”

Her eyes slide closed, and she exhales. Then winces.

Dammit.

She’s hurting.

“Come on,” I say, carefully looping my arm around her shoulders, drawing her to the couch and helping her sit down.

Distantly, I hear the front door click closed, know that Lex is leaving.

Same as I know my family will have a full report in minutes…and he’ll want an explanation at some point—and a promise that I won’t fuck up again.

You’re not good enough.

It’s only a whisper now, and I slam it down, focus on what’s more important.

“Meow.” Cookie hops onto the couch, sniff’s at Athena’s side then settles inoh so carefully.

Such a good cat.

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