Page 19 of The Fall

I almost agree; my body and soul still completely in, but my head makes me pause for a second.

“What do you want?” I ask softly against his lips.

“I want you, Cam. All of you. I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you.”

I kiss him softly, wishing my head would stop interrupting our bliss. “But after tonight...I mean...what do you want?”

He traces a fingertip down my spine. “I want to see you again. And again. And again.”

My stupid brain won’t let it go. “Will you...I mean, are you...seeing anyone else?”

“No.”

I swallow hard. “I want this, too. But I need to know that there won’t be anyone else.”

A couple seconds of thick, uncomfortable silence pass before he speaks. “You mean you want us to be in a relationship?”

My heart and my head are in a battle, my heart telling my head to shut the fuck up. But I’ve done a lot of thinking and growing in the past year, and I’m not letting my heart make all my decisions anymore.

I sit back so I can look him in the eye. “I guess what I mean is...I don’t want to have sex outside of a relationship anymore. I want it to mean something. I need it to be something...different than it was before.”

A flicker of annoyance passes over his face. “Right, but...isn’t sexual compatibility a deciding factor for whether you want to be in a relationship?”

A switch flips inside me like he just dumped a bucket of cold water over my head. I slide off his lap and stand up, running my hands over my hair to put it back in place.

The magic of the moment is gone. The old Cam would have done exactly what he wanted. How many times have I slept with a man just because he expected it? With no conversation about whether I was ready?

I sigh softly and cross my arms, feeling self-conscious. “I think you should go.”

He stands up, tilting my chin up so our gazes meet. “I didn’t mean that like you took it, Cam. I thought we were on the same page.”

I bite my tongue because I am not apologizing forgiving him the wrong impression. That’s bullshit and I’m over it.

“I don’t know if I’m ready,” I say. “To date. I don’t even think I know how to date if I’m being honest. I just—I need to be alone.”

“You mean like right now? Or in general?” He sounds alarmed.

“Right now, for sure. In general, maybe.” I smile weakly up at him.

He drops his hand, his shoulders sinking with disappointment. “I don’t know what happened. We were having such a good time. Did I move too fast?”

“No, just—I want you to go.”

“Cam—”

Emotions well inside me hard and fast. I feel the terror of Jake showing up at my workplace. Calling me even after I’d changed my number. I had no control over anything he did, and my feelings meant nothing.

“I said I want you to go!” The words burst out of me, my voice wavering with emotion.

Rowan pinches his brows together, looking confused and concerned. “Okay, I’m going. I’m sorry I upset you.”

He walks out the door and as soon as he closes it, I lock it behind him. Then I let myself cry. All those damn self-help books I read landed me here. I know I need to stand up for myself and what I want, but clearly I don’t know how to do it very well.

I told Tess I’d text her after the date to tell her how it went, but I can’t even come to terms with what just happened myself, so there’s no way I’m ready to break it all down with her.

So, instead, I turn off the lights and curl up on the couch with a blanket, closing my eyes and trying to think about anything but my disastrous first date in more than a year.

CHAPTER EIGHT

---