Page 87 of Single All the Way

Hayden popped up off the sofa, came to my side, and put her arm around me. “You can let it out.”

I covered my face and gave myself a pep talk.Put your big-girl panties on and just say it. All of it.

I sat up straighter. Hayden held my hand. Chloe refilled my glass. This was what girlfriends did, and I loved them for it.

“This strong, overwhelming feeling hit me, like…home. And then I saw Ben through the kitchen window, and I realized that…that…I fell in love with him.” Tears gushed down my cheeks.

They were quiet for a few seconds. Then Hayden said, “Does he know?”

I shook my head.

“Has he given any signs that he feels the same way?” Chloe asked.

I lowered my lids and nodded. “He says he loves me.”

Hayden hugged me tightly to her side. “So it would be perfect if you weren’t scared.”

I nodded again, and a sob escaped. “I feel sort of dumb because some people would be so happy but…”

“Fear sucks,” Chloe said matter-of-factly. “So, so much.”

Hayden hugged me while I cried. After a couple of minutes, my tears slowed. I wiped my eyes and sat up straighter. “I know I seem crazy.”

“We all have our own special crazy,” Hayden said.

“The question is, what are you going to do?” Chloe asked. “Are you going to let your fear prevent you from having a wonderful life with Ben and his kids?”

My mind flashed to Ben’s home, with the fat Christmas tree and the cozy fireplace and the crazy rooster and the four-legged chaos…and the love.

I swallowed hard and squeezed my eyes shut. “I want Ben and all his crazy.” Slowly I inhaled a deep breath and looked between my friends. “But I’m afraid I hurt him. I don’t know if he wantsmycrazy.”

“He wants your crazy and your sexy and your funny and your everything,” Hayden said. “I’d bet a whole lot of money.”

“But if you’ve hurt him, you might have to grovel a little,” Chloe pointed out.

I thought about him yelling curses into the dark the other night. “Yeah. I’m going to need a plan. And it has to be really good, because I have to call Darius now.”

ChapterTwenty-Five

Ben

Christmas Eve had arrived, and I wasn’t proud to admit, by the time I closed the clinic at three, I was ready to tell the world to fa-la-la-la fuck off.

How many times over the past month had I envisioned how special this Christmas would be with Emerson and her kids under our roof? How harmonious and loud and full of laughter, with used wrapping paper covering the living room floor and hugs of gratitude overtaking the day?

She and her kids would be under our roof, but everyone’s spirits had dimmed. The kids had no true idea what had happened between Emerson and me, but they could sense something was off. They saw how we interacted—stiffly and politely—every time we came into contact. Throw on top of it the still-present disappointment that Kizzy and her wife were missing the big day, and everything was just…off. Un-fucking-merry.

I trudged toward the house after my staff had left. The sky was heavy, the clouds low and dark with more impending snow, but not even a white Christmas was going to fix my mood.

The horses and llamas were tucked away in the barn. Evelyn had insisted the chickens needed some fresh air, so we’d left their house open, allowing the birds to roam in their pen while it was light out, but only Cayenne and Ginger were braving the cold air. The others had the right idea as far as I was concerned.

What I wouldn’t give to burrow deep in my bed and sleep the afternoon away. I didn’t want to dampen the kids’ excitement, but I just couldn’t act like everything was fine.

I wasn’t fine. I wasn’t in the same zip code as fine.

The more time that passed without Emerson wrangling her fears, the clearer it became: This had been my last chance with her, and my last chance was fizzling out in failure.

I went into the house, shed my coat, and inhaled the smell of recently popped popcorn. The washing machine was running in the laundry room, which told me Berty was doing a load of the kids’ clothes even though I’d insisted I would take care of the chore.

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