Page 86 of Single All the Way

I swallowed a gulp of wine as I considered that. “Not just the sex. Everything. The partnership, the conversation, the coparenting…” Saying that out loud made me realize just how much I’d had my head in the sand the whole time to not see what was happening between us. “Even when Blake was alive, I didn’t have that. I mean, we could discuss really big things on the phone sometimes, but the three thousand parenting things that come up in a day? It was all me because he was always gone.”

“So it was like you were a single mom even when you were happily married,” Hayden said.

“Right. I had mom friends on the base, and we traded babysitting and talked about potty training and nightmares and all the things, but they were just friends in the same position.”

“So moving in with Kizzy must’ve been a godsend,” Chloe said.

“Yep.” I ate a bite of pizza, then said, “Until she defected.”

“So you lost Blake, and then you lost Kizzy, just in a different way,” Chloe said intuitively.

“And your mom, right?” Hayden asked.

I nodded. “My grandma too.”

“Hell’s bells, that’s a lot. My mom died a few years back too,” Hayden said somberly. “It sucks so bad.”

Chloe, who sat next to Hayden on the sofa, pulled her in for a side hug.

“I’m sorry, Hayden,” I said. “I didn’t know her well, but I remember her always being so nice.”

She nodded. “It’s been a while, but you never get over it.”

I shook my head, feeling that in my heart. “I have issues with letting people too close,” I admitted. “Like, a deep fear in my bones.”

“Heck yes,” Hayden said. “Who could blame you? Zane lost a good friend in the Navy, and it messed him up so much we almost didn’t make it.”

“Really?” I asked, a little shocked because they seemed so happy every time I saw them together.

She nodded as her eyes teared up. “Dammit.” She gulped her wine, wiped her eyes, and laughed. “Sorry. It was a hard time, but we’re good now.”

“Thank goodness. And I’m going to take a wild guess that you and Ben arenotgood,” Chloe said to me.

I blew out a shaky breath. “No. Kizzy called to cancel her visit. She and her wife were supposed to arrive last Friday.”

“Nooo. If your kids are like Sutton, they couldn’t wait to see their grandma.”

I nodded. “I was looking forward to it too. And I’ve used her impending visit to soothe Skyler when she’s been inconsolable about all the changes in our life. My mother-in-law’s bailing on us totally triggered me,” I said. “It brought back all the heartache of being left alone. Again.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” Chloe said.

“After Blake died, I promised myself I’d never have a serious relationship again.” I swirled my glass, watching the wine circle inside. “You can’t stop people from dying, but I could keep my heart safe.”

Both girls watched me, waiting, as if they knew what I was going to say.

“I’m supposed to be deciding whether to put an offer in on a house tonight,” I said instead, one hundred percent diverting.

“What?” Chloe said.

“You forgot to mention that little detail,” Hayden scolded.

Chloe narrowed her eyes, looking pensive. “It’s all connected somehow, isn’t it?”

I squeezed my eyes shut, finding it even harder than I’d expected to talk about my feelings for Ben.

“You can tell us anything,” Hayden said. “It doesn’t go anywhere.”

I swallowed, nodded, opened my eyes. Took in a deep, fortifying breath. “The house is perfect on paper, but something kept me from jumping on it. I went to Ben’s afterward to get my kids, and as I drove up—” I sucked in air, tearing up again.

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