Page 80 of Single All the Way

“It’s up to me to make it okay for them.” As the words poured out of me, I felt the truth of them in my bones. No more relying on others for that. No more relying on others for anything.

“You’re not going to let me help?”

“No. We never should’ve moved in here. I appreciate your generosity, but I’m going to find an alternative solution. Maybe we’ll rent after all, or we’ll work out a long stay at the inn?—”

“That’s the dumbest thing you’ve said yet.”

“It’s what I should’ve done all along.”

“So you’re going to ruin my kids’ Christmas because Kizzy hurt you?”

Dammit.Dammit, dammit, dammit. Of course I couldn’t hurt Evelyn and Ruby. I didn’t want to hurt Ben either. “We’ll be here for Christmas just like we planned. But in the meantime, I’m going to see about a room at the Marks. My kids were promised a pool and fun times. If we can get a room, Ruby and Evelyn can come swim with us.”

“You’re running away.”

I let out a laugh that had no humor in it. “I’m keeping myself safe, Ben. Protecting my kids. I can’t take one more loss. Not ever. So call it whatever you need to, but I can’t stay.” I breathed, the panic starting to subside with my decision. “And now I need to go break my kids’ hearts with Kizzy’s news.”

I stalked off before he could say more, feeling wrung out and heartbroken. I needed another couple of hours to level out, process everything, and work up my soothing-mom face, but I didn’t have the luxury. I was a single mom. I’d tend to my own wounds later.

When I was almost to the house, I heard Ben yell, “Fuck!” at the top of his voice. I guessed he was letting out his own frustration.

I wished I wasn’t the cause of it, but I had to do what was best for my kids and myself. I’d lost sight of that since moving in here.

Thank you, Kizzy, for the unpleasant reminder.

ChapterTwenty-Two

Ben

“You miss her too, don’t you, Nugget?”

Emerson’s black-and-white dog met me enthusiastically as I came out of Betty’s stall Friday night, just as she had when I exited Esmerelda’s and Smoky’s and Bay’s and Freckles’s, pulling a shallow smile from me each time.

Emerson and her kids had been gone for forty-eight hours. My anger had mostly dissipated, but my heart was heavy, and my mood was in the shitter. I didn’t foresee it improving anytime soon.

She’d booked a suite at the Marks Hotel and had herself and Skyler and Xavier packed up within the hour after getting Kizzy’s news. Her kids had shed tears over their grandmother’s postponement, but Emerson had presented their hotel adventure in just the right way.

When she’d seen the melancholy expressions on my girls’ faces, Emerson had brought them in for a tight hug, loving words, and an invitation for a sleepover at the hotel the next night. That had raised Ruby’s and Evelyn’s spirits considerably, but they’d still begged me to let Ruby sleep in Evelyn’s room, in the bed that was still pushed up next to Evelyn’s, for that first night. I’d agreed, hoping they could comfort each other, because I wasn’t at my best.

Last night had been the sleepover. Dropping them off at the Marks, leaving them in Emerson’s care for a night felt like a divorced dad trading off with his ex. It’d been awkward, spring-loaded with a shit ton of emotions just under the surface, and polite exchanges like,How’s the pool? Really nice. The kids love it.

Then I’d come home alone, drunk half a bottle of whiskey, and passed out watching Animal Planet.

Nugget circled me, her manic mood revolving largely around me. Emerson had asked me to keep her while they were at the hotel, and naturally I’d said yes. But the dog missed her family and seemed to have adopted me as her stand-in person. I was more than okay with that. I needed a stand-in person too, but maybe I was better off relying on dogs.

Yesterday morning, when I’d left the house to do the morning chores, the three dogs had gone out to do their duty as usual, but while my two played and chased around the yard, Nugget had trotted next to me and peered up with sad canine eyes at the barn door. I’d cautiously let her accompany me, unsure how she’d react to the barn cats, horses, and llamas.

The cats hadn’t come out, and Nugget showed a healthy respect for the large animals, content to wait outside each stall for me. That reunion after each one was becoming the highlight of my days. I squatted down and scratched her ears and sweet-talked her.

“Who’s my best barn helper, huh? Yes, who’s a good girl?” She licked my face, beside herself from the attention. “She’ll come back for you soon.” I let out a hollow laugh and muttered to myself, “I might be fucking jealous of that.”

After a few more ear scratches and nuzzles, I stood. “Let’s go feed the barn cats.”

This was only the dog’s fourth time “helping” me in the barn, but she already knew to sprint ahead to the container where I kept the cats’ food.

“You’re a natural, Nugs.”

As I scooped out the right amount of dry cat kibbles, the barn door closed. I turned to see Berty bundled up and bearing toward me with purpose.

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