Page 78 of Single All the Way

So I found it tricky to begrudge her any of her happiness now—her late-in-life true love, her cross-country move to be with her wife, and a honeymoon. I would come across as spoiled and petty to rail at her for any of it.

But railing was exactly what I felt like doing.

“I’m pulling into the driveway,” I said, deciding hanging up was the best way to avoid voicing the toxic comments in my head. “I need to go find a way to break it to the kids.”

“Let me know if I can help in any way.”

The way to help would be to show up as planned, but that obviously wasn’t going to happen.

“I’ll talk to you after your trip,” I said and ended the call, unable to summon any genuine good wishes or even a pleasant goodbye.

I parked the car in the garage as usual, but I needed time to cool down before I went in that house. I was sure Berty had the kids handled, and maybe Ben was home from work too.

I got out and slammed the door hard. It felt good but didn’t put a dent in the storm inside of me.

By the time I’d walked past the house, beyond the barn, and toward the east property line, my tears nearly blinded me.

“Dammit!” I yelled to the night.

I paced back and forth through the remnants of the previous snow, my anger growing with every step, drowning out the rest of the emotions with its intensity.

Who was going to have to tell my kids and break their hearts? Me.

Who would have to comfort them, get them to sleep, wake up with them in the middle of the night when they were still upset? I would.

Who would have to be mom, dad, grandma, and grandpa to Xavier and Skyler? Yep. “Motherfucking me.”

“Hey.” Ben’s voice came from several feet behind me.

I whipped around, on the edge, semihysterical, and now startled out of my skin. “Shit!” I put my hand to my chest, my heart galloping.

“Sorry, Ems. What’s going on? What are you doing out here?”

“What areyoudoing?” I snapped back. I wanted to be alone.

“I heard you yell as I was walking home. What happened?”

“I let my guard down. That’s what happened.” I resumed pacing. “Stupid, stupid, stupid!”

“Hey,” he said in a calm, reasonable voice. He took my hand, but I whipped it away. “Emerson, tell me what’s going on. Maybe I can help.”

“You can’t help. I don’t want help. That’s where I went wrong in the first place.”

He let me pace and rant in my head for a minute.

“Could you please tell me what happened? Something with one of the kids?” he asked.

I let out a scoff. “The kids didn’t do anything wrong, but they’re the ones who are going to be devastated. Kizzy canceled.”

“What?”

“Kizzy and Shannon aren’t coming for Christmas. They got a better offer.”

“Why the hell aren’t they coming for Christmas? Sky and Xav have been counting down the days.”

“I know that!” I yelled, then realized I was being awful and tried to rein myself in. A sob escaped me. “I know that,” I said more reasonably.

“Come here,” he said in his calm, caring voice.

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