Page 43 of The Try Line

"I booked a room. I'm going to stay there until my flight leaves."

"But–"

"I never expected any of this to happen, Mik. I wasn't trying to complicate your life. I think seeing you again chipped away at my sanity a little, and I made the wrong choices. Like I always do. But you, you're the guy that does the right thing, and you need to keep doing that. Go be with your wife, be proud of your son, and livethis comfortable little life you've built for yourself, because it's something special, Mik. You made the right choice."

"What are you talking about?" I ask incredulously. Hasn't he been giving me shit about my buttoned-up, boring suburban life since he got here?

The pain in his blue eyes is too similar to the way Janel looked up at me before I left the room tonight. There's a vulnerability there I haven't seen since we were nineteen and I kissed him for the first time.

"The moment I saw you with her, saw the way you were holding her and comforting her, I knew you'd do the right thing. After I thought about it, it made sense. It's not like I could give you the same things she could. I didn't want to complicate things, but I also didn't want to watch it happen. That's why I left, and that's why I'm leaving now."

“Wait.” I try to force my brain to process what he’s saying, but I don’t understand. "Watch what happen?"

"Watch you do the right thing. Watch you choose her. Your family."

"Jason," I say, pulling his arm back when he moves to walk by me. "I never chose. I didn’t get the chance. You did that for me when you left."

He stares at me like I've lost my mind, but he's the one that's out of his. His eyes are wild and bloodshot, his jaw and fists clenching intermittently. He's holding something back, the strain so visceral that I could imagine him blocking a massive boulder from crushing everything in its path. I can relate, because I've been doing the same thing. I've been holding back the truth that will crush my family, the life I’ve been living, everything. The weight of it has been crushing me in the process.

I'm not the good person he thinks I am. Not only was I a willing participant in our infidelity, but the mere idea thathe could be holding back the same feelings has me ready to let both boulders roll right over me.

"I never chose, Jason."

His wild eyes widen, and his face pales like he's seen a ghost.

"I would have chosen you."

CHAPTER 19

JASON

"I would have chosen you."

I nearly crash the rental five times on the way to my hotel. I booked a room at the closest hotel to the airport, which is a swanky place with a spa. Not that I plan on utilizing any of it. I just need a place to hide and lick my wounds until I can run away. While I'm checking in, I request a bottle of whiskey be sent to my room. It shows up before the attendant is done emptying my luggage from the trolley. I tip both the employees handsomely and put a do not disturb sign on the door.

After my second refill, I abandon the glass entirely and drink straight from the bottle.

"I would have chosen you."

That should make me feel better, right? It's all I've ever wanted, except that it's wrong. There's no way… he would have changed his mind. Right?

I assumed he'd already chosen her the moment she barged into our apartment and dropped the bomb that imploded my life. Could Ihave been mistaken? He said he would have chosen me. It feels wrong, like an itchy, ill-fitted suit.

The moment the words left his mouth, I was too stunned to speak. Visions of an entire lifetime that I might have missed out on flashed through my mind, along with warring visions of the likelihood that it would have fallen apart, anyway.

So maybe he didn't make the right decision or wouldn't have. But I still did.

Right?

Right?

Fuck! I don't know!I don't know anymore.

I fall to my knees, sloshing whiskey on the floor. I take another swig, but it tastes rancid in my dry mouth. I have a strange urge to call room service and ask if they have any whipped cream flavored vodka.

Leaving the bottle on the coffee table, I shuffle into the bathroom. There's a jacuzzi tub, and a large rainfall shower. A brisk shower sobers me up a little, and I collapse onto the large, soft bed.

I can’t sleep, haunted by all of the what-ifs that I never let myself imagine until now. When I close my eyes, an entirely different life plays before my eyes.

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