Page 69 of Utah

“What did he want?”

“He came to apologize for misinterpreting our situation and for kissing me, but he also wanted to make sure I was okay. He thinks you’re dangerous and is worried you’ll hurt me too.”

This time it was Utah who struggled to breathe. His chest expanded and deflated numerous times as he stared at me. But I couldn’t determine if his lack of a verbal response was comforting or alarming.

I resided in the silence, praying he’d say something and soon. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he opened his mouth.

“I can sit here and tell you all day that I’d never hurt you, Ria, and I’d hope my words would be enough. But after what I did, how out of control I became, I don’t blame you for being afraid.”

“I’m not afraid.” My response wasn’t completely truthful.

“You should be, because I am. But I’m taking steps to make sure I never become that person again.” The defensive wall around my heart started to disintegrate, but only a fraction. He took my hand in his. “You deserve everything good in this world, including a partner you can trust completely. And I want to be that man for you. I will be that man for you.”

“I believe you will be.” I enunciated each word, hoping the strength of my response convinced us both.

He leaned in and kissed me, his lips lingering longer than a simple peck. When he pulled back, he met my gaze, and the way he looked at me promised me everything else he couldn’t put into words.

“How many people get multiple chances at life? I’m not gonna risk losing the best thing to ever happen to me because of pride or ignorance, thinking I know best and can handle things myself all the time. I think you were right about the pills. On top of the guilt for being the one who survived and not Crash, on top of the fear everything could be snatched from me because that’s what I’m used to, on top of the regret that I kept pushing you away, those damn pills shoved me over. They were only meant to numb me.”

“Why would you want to be numb?”

“Because life is too much sometimes. And these past weeks proved as much. But I don’t want to be numb anymore, Ria. I want to feel it all.” His piercing gaze bore into me. “My love for you.” He put his hand on my belly. “My love for this kid.” His eyes became glassy, and for a moment, I thought he was going to shed a tear, but none ever fell. “I’ll take responsibility for what I did to Will, whatever that means.”

“He asked me if I wanted him to pursue charges. He thinks it’ll keep me safe.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him to do whatever he needs to for himself. Not for me.”

“Good. I don’t want you any more involved than you already are. I’ll handle whatever happens.”

“I know.”

“I will make this up to you, baby.”

It wasn’t often that Utah used any kind of pet name for me, and I had to admit I loved it.

“I know,” I repeated, looking forward to our future.

39

Even though I didn’t want to, I left Ria’s house yesterday after our last talk because she needed space. I’d put her through a lot recently, and if the roles were reversed, I’d want the time to think about the situation. I only hoped the decision she landed on was to take me at my word and give us another try.

Pulling into the parking lot of Ria’s doctor’s office, I killed the engine and pulled out my phone.

Me: I’m here early

Me: Take your time

Four minutes later, Ria responded.

Ria: Just dropped off my mom

Ria: Be there soon

She told me her bleeding stopped, but she wanted to visit her doctor to make sure everything was still okay. I insisted on being here, and thankfully she didn’t argue.

I couldn’t imagine what it was like to grow a human being. The constant worry that everything was happening as it should to ensure a healthy baby at the end. If men had to be pregnant, I guarantee the human race would’ve ended a long time ago. Ihad no idea how women did it. And I loved Ria even more for giving me this gift—a gift I’d never be able to repay her for.

---