Page 65 of Utah

“Because I can’t talk to you when you get defensive like this.”

“I’m not defen… you know what.” I threw my hands up in surrender. “You’re right. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I walked out of her house without looking back.

Well, that didn’t go as planned.

36

As I sat at my mom’s kitchen table, I thought about my interaction with Utah earlier. I didn’t know what would happen when he arrived, but parts of our conversation went better than expected. When I retold the details of the night Will kissed me, he was calmer than I’d expected him to be. But maybe that was because he’d already taken out all his aggression on the guy.

Then, when I brought up my concern over him taking so many pills, the conversation took a turn. He got defensive, which only proved I’d hit the proverbial nail on the head when I broached the topic.

Opioids were highly addictive, but he didn’t strike me as someone who would be susceptible to addiction. Maybe he truly needed the pills for the pain but couldn’t recognize they were altering his personality, with his increased irritability being the main trait.

In the past, if we’d gotten into an argument, we wouldn’t talk for days, sometimes a week. But it wasn’t just the two of us anymore. We were bringing a baby into this dynamic, and we had to find a way to resolve whatever issue popped up. I realized classifying the possible abuse of pain pills as simply anissue was naïve, but I didn’t have much experience with this sort of thing. I barely took an Aleve when I had a headache.

“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?” my mom asked, tapping my hand to get my attention when I didn’t answer the first time she asked. “Are you still bleeding?”

Even though the topic was an unsettling one, I was grateful for the distraction.

“There was a little bit earlier this morning but nothing now.”

“That’s good news.”

“It is.”

“So then what’s bothering you?”

My mom didn’t know anything about Utah getting arrested, and I wasn’t going to be the one to break that news to her. She’d only worry, and until I figured out what was going on with him, I didn’t want to taint her view of him.

“I quit my job yesterday.”

“You did? Why?” I didn’t answer at first, and she assumed part of the reason. “Because you were bleeding and didn’t want to risk being on your feet for long periods of time?”

I should’ve nodded and moved on to another topic, but I didn’t.

“And because Will kissed me.”

“When did that happen?”

“The other day.”

“Can I assume you didn’t want him to?” The inflection in her tone indicated she wasn’t sure how I’d answer.

“You’d assume correctly.” I tapped the side of my glass, gathering my thoughts. “He told me he liked me, but before I could say anything, he kissed me. I realized as soon as it happened that I didn’t want to work with him anymore. It’d be too awkward. Besides, it’s only going to get harder for me as I get bigger. My feet hurt now, and I’m not even showing.”

“I have some money I can give you if you need it.”

“No. I’m okay. I have some savings I can use.”

“What does Utah think about all this? I’m sure he wasn’t thrilled when he found out about the kiss.”

I never got a chance to tell her that Utah and I had decided to move in together. That was probably for the best because things have changed now. Would we ever take that plunge? Only time would tell.

“He wasn’t, but what’s done is done,” I said, more to myself than her. I felt bad about omitting a lot of the truth, but I’d have to swallow my guilt until—or if—there was a better time to fill her in on what happened. But now wasn’t that time.

“I’m sure you’ll find another job, one behind a desk, maybe.”

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