Page 51 of Ryder

“So.” I’d never been so confused.

“Why would you tell me that now?”

“What do you mean? It’s how I feel.”

“But why now?” she repeated, whispering her question as if she didn’t fully understand her reaction either. Her fingers continued to dig into my hips, which was more annoying than anything. Leaning back on my haunches and pulling her with me, still careful not to slip from her body, I grabbed her hands in mine and pinned them to the bed.

“Tell me right now what’s wrong?” She stared at me, continued to cry, but didn’t say a damn word. “So help me God, woman,” I threatened. “If you don’t tell me why you’re so upset, I’m gonna. . . .” My words trailed off because I had no ideawhatthe hell I was gonna do. I was stunned by her reaction, and as that feeling waned, I became angry.

Definitely not how I saw the scene playing out in my head.

“You’re only telling me you love me because you don’t think you’re comin’ back,” she finally confessed. “You know something bad is gonna happen and that’s . . . that’s why you said it.” More tears. More short and choppy breaths. More anguish shrouding her because I knew in my heart she loved me too.

But she was terrified that I wouldn’t make it back to her.

Braylen

My imagination ran wild with thoughts of Ryder lying on the ground. Dead. Shot. Stabbed. And nothing he could say would wipe the images from my brain. I didn’t want him to leave. I had a bad feeling, had it ever since we left California, but I tried to be strong. Brave.

But him telling me he loved me, and for the first time, was like a knife to my heart when it should have made me feel elated.

“Get off me.”

“No.”

“Ryder, please,” I begged. “I can’t breathe.”

“I’m not doing anything to you. The only thing I’m holding down is your hands.” His body was still connected with mine, and whenever I felt him twitch inside me, he stole my breath. I knew it didn’t make any sense, but I needed him to let me up. I needed distance to come to terms with what was gonna happen in a few short hours.

Ryder was gonna leave me, and there was a strong possibility he wouldn’t return.

“Please,” I repeated, closing my eyes briefly as my tears continued to fall. “Please.”

I heard him grunt before he fell from my body, his weight disappearing altogether as he moved off the bed and stood a few feet away. The heat from his stare bored into me, and I knew there was no way he was gonna leave until I divulged everything.

A month ago he would’ve walked away, but not now. Not after everything we’d been through. Whathe’dbeen through. He needed me just as much as I needed him, and that was why hearing those three precious words cut me so deeply.

As the seconds passed with my growing vulnerability, I covered myself with the bedsheet, an action which apparently infuriated Ryder.

“Don’t hide from me.” Whipping off the fabric, he grabbed my ankles and pulled me toward the edge of the bed.

“What are you doing?” I shouted, struggling to move back up the mattress before my ass hit the ground.

“Come on,” he urged, reaching out to grab me again. I avoided his touch.

“Just go.” The words surprised me, because I didn’t want him to leave. Not then. Not ever.

“You want me to go?” His voice rose a level, his face scrunching in anger. “I tell you I love you, you freak the fuck out, and now you’re telling me you want me to go?” I didn’t answer. “Well?” he roared. “Is that what’s happenin’ right now?”

“I don’t know.” I was scared, petrified even, but I couldn’t put any of my emotions into words that would make him understand my reaction.

Running his hands down his face to try and calm himself, he finally looked at me again. There was sadness behind his eyes I hadn’t seen earlier. “I do love you, Braylen. I should’ve told you before but I was too scared. You make me feel things I’ve never experienced before and that terrifies me, but I know I can’t live without you.” He took a step. “I’ll come back. I promise.”

“Don’t,” I said, holding up my hand to stop him from advancing. “Don’t make promises you might not be able to keep.”

“I’ll do everything in my power to come back to you. There, is that better?” His question was sarcastic but also serious.

“What happens to me if you don’t?” I cringed after the words left my mouth. I couldn’t imagine not having Ryder in my life, and the mere thought I’d never see him after that day ripped me apart inside. How did the other women deal with this? I could barely handle it one time, let alone time and time again.

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