Page 97 of In Love with the Devil

Like a Dream

Astoria

Having to accept that I am in love with Asher is like throwing my mind into a hot frying pan. It's not just that it shows I was always his whore as he'd put it, but my feelings for him are raw and stronger than ever.

For the next three days, I become a zombie, lying on my sofa and calling in sick to work.

On Tuesday night, the phone rings.

"Astoria."

"Hmm?"

"It's me. Sebastian."

I sigh but don't say anything.

"Are you ok?"

Three jumps onto the sofa next to me, drags his fur against my folded legs, then meows, letting me know he's hungry. I run my nails through his fur.

"Astoria, if you don't answer me I'm going to show up at your door."

"I'm fine." I hang up.

The next day I go to work. Things with Sebastian progress too fast because for the next few days, I'm not present. Anything he wants, I simply do. This way, I can't think of my feelings for Julian. Even Cristian notices something is off. "You're doing that thing you used to do when you first got here," he says to me during lunch one day.

"What?"

"Talking about numbers a lot. It's cute though. It's like you're in your own world." He chuckles. I return the smile but I know he's uncomfortable. Mindy protests about it too.

I've turned off my emotions and most of the time, I'm in another world but I can't find my way back to reality. One night, despite knowing it will make me sick, I force myself to remember exactly how it felt to be impaled and raped, then whipped and to almost die from it; to not feel the sun on my skin for months and lose a child that he forced me to carry. Success. My hate for Julian erupts, almost breaking me, and I cry myself to sleep.

To my horror, my disgusting, pathetic, idiotic love for him returns the very next morning. In wanting to avoid it, I agree to more dates with Sebastian, more weekends at his parents, more sex. It feels good to be loved by someone, to fuck, to be held, and to be surrounded by a family I could only dream of. But none of it feels real, it's all an escape from my truth, that I'm in love with my rapist. Some might say that I’m stringing Sebastian along but I’m just trying to move on, trying to allow the good guy to love me and forget the bad guy, trying to stop being paranoid about Julian showing up.

In the brief moments I become aware and manage to assess the state of my life, I feel extremely uncomfortable that Sebastian has burned a lot of my boundaries too quickly. It’s like I’m in a car without breaks, on the side of a mountain, approaching a curve. I tell myself I'll end it when he leaves for Thailand, and get another job. But Sebastian doesn't miss a beat. All he does is spoil me. Then I tell myself that it's okay as long as he doesn’t break the three rules we've established.

One, oursituationshipis a secret. We act professional on the weekdays, but on the weekends we always go to his parents’ house. Two, Sebastian cannot come anywhere near my home. If Julian is watching me…Three, he can't ask me about my past.

I don’t dare say a word of what’s happening to Mindy because I fear that Julian is connected to my devices and listening or watching. I can’t ask her to come here because she’s pregnant and trying to get everything done at work before she pops.

A Week Later

It’s Friday afternoon when Sebastian walks into my office. “We need to leave earlier than usual, Mami.”

“Sebastian–” I protest.

“I promise this will be the last time I ever ask you to leave your job early, but you need to be done in–” He checks his phone. “Five minutes.”

“Jesus!”

“Yes. You can call him tonight when we’re fucking. Come on, just this once. I'm leaving for Thailand in three days.”

As we walk out of the hotel, I have to almost run to keep up with him. We drive to the heliport and fly.

“Where are we going that you’re in such a hurry?”

“It’s a surprise.”

---